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Reasons Why Feeding Dogs Is More Satisfying Than Feeding Children
1) Dogs don't ask, "What is this?"
2) Dogs don't turn up their noses at tofu.
3) Dogs don't care what color dinner is.
4) Dogs only require one dish.
5) Dogs LOVE to help with the dinner dishes.
6) Dogs don't want you to serve them, they would rather help themselves.
7) Dogs don't compare your cooking to their friends mothers.
8) Dogs don't mind eating on the floor.
9) Heck, dogs don't mind eating off the floor.
10) Dogs don't care if it's not cooked.
Doggie Winter Wonderland
Dog tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, It's MY property!
Marking up as my winter wonderland.
In the meadow dad will build a snowman
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, Man,
So all the world will know that it is
Mine_mine_mine!
Straight from me to the fence post
Flows my natural incense dog boast:
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."
Dogs Live Here
If you don't want to be greeted with paws and
swinging tails,
Don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't like the feel of a cold nose or wet tongue,
Don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't want to step over many scattered toys,
Don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you think that a home ought to smell of perfume,
Don't come inside because dogs live here.
But if you don't mind all of this,
You will be instantly loved when you come inside because
Dogs live here!
THE FOUR TYPES OF DOG VOMIT!
YELLOW_URKA_GURAKS-- Dog runs around the house and hides under
the furniture while making a prolonged "uuuurka_guuurka"
noise. (this noise is the only thing guaranteed to wake up a true dog
lover who is hungover from a post dog show celebration at 3:30 am) After
mad scrambling to capture the dog and drag him outside the episode ends
with the indelible ten yard line of slimy yellow froth from the living
room rug to the back door.
BLAP DISEASE--Dog exercises hard and, a) eats large mouth
fulls of snow (Winter Blap Disease) or, b) drinks a bucket of water
(Summer Blap disease) Within 2 minutes of returning inside the dog spews
large amounts of clear slimy liquid while making a distinctive "blap"
sound and sharp percussive noise as it hits the linoleum.
GARKS--Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and dramatic
"ggaark, gggark" noises, generally followed by prolonged
"iikss" and then loud satisfied smacking noises. There is
nothing on the rug. Don't investigate, you don't want to know...
RALFS--Apropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dinning
room and waits until the innocent dinner guests are all watching him.
Then with a single deep gut_wrenching "raaalff" disgorges the
entire week's contents of his stomach on the dinning room rug.
Variation: Then he eats it. In all the above events, the dog is entirely
healthy and indeed deeply pleased with himself.
Good Afternoon. I AM a dogaholic!!!
I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting
of "Dogaholics Anonymous". Some of you are here
tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here
thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to
admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to
a DA meeting for help. DA is here to assist you. I have some questions to
ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have
come to the right place.
1.) Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
2.) Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4, when everyone else
drives a real car?
3.) Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the
dogs?
4.) Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows,
specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
5.) If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend
Crufts?
6.) Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most
doctors leave in disgust?
7.) Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly
washed tennis shoes?
8.) Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
9.) Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your dogs in mind?
10.) Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown
over them?
11.) Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH,
CH, and OTCH?
12.) Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines,
and premium lists?
13.) Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog
Shows? Seminars? [but have trouble getting up for "work?"]
14.) If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those
pockets often contain freeze-dried liver, Rollover, or squeaky toys?
15.) When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of
dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
16.) Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember
their name?
17.) Do you find non-dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the
right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile,
turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will
always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be
boring.
Subject:
: What is a dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they
don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to left alone
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats!!!
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