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"Days Of Future Passed"
By Laney
![[IMAGE]](cool4.jpg)
(The time is 1999. Editorial control has seized the books.
Characterization, consistency, and entertainment is lost.
Shadowcat tries to cope. For she is running the streets of New
York City trafficking illegal substance. Hey, it was the editors
idea!)
Shadowcat: Now
if only I can sell these goods to my needy customers before the
cops show up...
(The cops show
up)
Officer #1:
Katherine Pryde. You are under arrest!
Shadowcat: GAH!
See what happens when a mutant goes for a walk today! We are
hated and feared, persecuted by society! We are hunted and killed
just for being born!
The Next Officer
After #1: Um... You were hunted because you were about to sell
those illegal goods.
Shadowcat: Oh
that.
(The remaining
X-men--Storm, Wolverine, Rogue, Gambit, Colossus, Nightcrawler,
and Marrow--arrive in time to save Shadowcat from the
mutant-hating NYPD)
Marrow: I'll
save you, my lovely little Kitten! Wow, It's so funny being a
hero, especially with friends like these...
Nightcrawler: By
the White Wolf, my little comrade sister! I shall save you
first!!
Rogue: Ah'd save
ya, sugah, but if ah touch you, ah'd absorb your powers, and your
physhe.
Gambit: That's
what the gloves are for.
Rogue: Ya mean
the short tight clothes are gone? Finally, the T&A shots end.
I can stop feelin' like a thoughtless bimbo!
Colossus: Don'
push your luck, petit.
Shadowcat: Uh...
are you guys forgetting something? Hello? I need to be rescued!
Jeez, do you guys do anything other than talk?
Storm: Surely
after Magneto War, you know the answer to that!
Shadowcat: Fine
then. I'll phase through the cops myself. Let's go back to the
mansion.
Officer #1 that
came before #2: Are you attempting to resist arrest?
Storm: Silence,
human. You breathe ignorance. Instead of us simply leaving, I
shall conjure a fog so that we can act as if we are sneaking
away. Goddess, bring me the special visuals I need to summon more
four-year-olds to the books.
Shadowcat: Wait
a sec, Storm! What happened to my stash?
Wolverine (very
frantically): Bub bub bub! Best he is at what she does, bub! Bub!
Bub bub!! Shut up or I'll gut ya like a dish!!
(A few days
later in the X-Mansion, the X-men, joined by their mentor, make
plans)
Xavier: Now that
Logan is back from Rehab, we can begin plotting an end to this
nightmare. If I try hard enough, I can mindlink with the 80's
Shadowcat, and switch her mind with her older counterpart.
Nightcrawler: I
didn't know your powers could travel through time.
Xavier: After
the editors created that horrible Onslaught incident with Wile E.
Coyote, I've assumed that I can do just about anything. Now,
Shadowcat, join me...
Shadowcat:
>giggle< Okay, professor. Just like old times...
(The time is
1980. The X-men comics are good. Shadowcat, now known as Sprite,
suddenly collapses in the Danger Room and is taken to the
infirmary)
Colossus: Are
you okay?
Sprite: Yes, I'm
here. Listen X-men. We don't have much time. We have to stop an
assassination.
Wolverine:
Kitty, what are you talking about?
Sprite: Kitty?
It's been years since I was called that. First of all, I'm not
the Sprite you know. I'm from the future. We must act now. Today,
the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants will try to kill Senator Kelly.
If they succeed, they will eventually find success in Saturday
morning television--opening cartoons for mutants
everywhere--including us!
Once we get a television
series, our comics will be given to children, and the editors
will make sure it stays that way, by writing simple stories,
devoid of characterization and consistency. Our books will be the
worse books on the shelves. We cannot let this happen.
Wolverine: If
what you say is true, then we will have the #1 comic, and I'll
probably have a series of my own. We'll also have extreme amounts
of miniseries, subtitles, action figures and other merchandise,
and a #1 morning series. Why would you want us to stop that?
Sprite: I
remember Storm telling me the hardest part of the mission would
be trying to convince you guys to act. That's why I brought
this... (inserts a Backstreet Boys 45 in the X-men's record
player, and plays it) In my future, this band dominates pop
radio.
Storm: GODDESS
guide us, WE CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!!
Angel: Sprite,
you can tell us more on the way.
Sprite: Who are
you? How do you know my name?
Angel: Don't be
silly, it's me Warren?
Sprite: Did I
meet you before issue #281? Because I probably wouldn't remember.
Nightcrawler:
Mein Gott! This is bad...
(At the same
time, in 1999, the future X-men make a strike of their own, by
breaking into the Marvel building)
Colossus: I
still don' get it, mon ami. If Katie is in 1980 changin' time,
what use are we here?
Storm: We would
be fools to turn down a capable fight scene. We only get one once
every three months.
Marrow: It's
always good, with friends like these...
Storm: Shhh, the
enemies gather. I'll use fog to cloak our movements.
(Two editors
enter. Do I even have to tell ya who they are?)
Mark Powers:
BAH! Sales are declining again, Bob! The readers don't think we
have the gall to kill the characters.
Bob Harras: I
guess they haven't been reading for the last three years. Oh
well, we'll kill one and go back to the regular predicable
jargon. And judging by the indoor fog, a few of them are upon us.
(1980. The X-men
find their way into a courtroom where Senator Kelly is at debate.
One of the walls start to crumble, and a group of shady
characters make their way in. Every human in the room runs in
fear)
Sprite: We got
here just in time! That's THEM!! That's the BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL
MUTANTS!!!
Colossus: What?
But that's four turtles and a giant rat!!
Michaelangelo:
Like, cowabunga dude! We're like here to assassinate someone.
Splinter: YES!
Kill Senator Kelly at all costs!!
Storm: Stop
them, X-men!
Raphael: I'll
use my sai to chop you to bits!
Wolverine: Now
while I have adamantium to slice your shell with. >snikt<
Donatello: Your
inferior intelligence is nothing compare to my wit, Rusty.
Colossus: But my
fist is. >BANG<
Leonardo: No way
you'll escape my sword, flyboy.
Angel: Yes I
will. I'll fly away.
Leonardo:
............
Storm: And I
will hit you with a lightning bolt. >KRAKAKOOM<
Michaelangelo:
IT'S PIZZA TIME!
Nightcrawler:
Chew on my foot, instead. >THWAP<
Storm: We have
done well, but where is Sprite?
(1999)
Mark Powers:
There's one! Let's kill him!! (gets out an eraser and erases
Wolverine. Sales Decline)
Bob Harras:
Nope. Didn't do it. How about this one? (Erases Rogue. Sales
decline)
Mark Powers:
Xavier? (Erases Xavier. Sales Decline)
Bob Harras:
Marrow? Colossus? (Sales Decline)
Mark Powers:
Storm? Shadowcat? Nightcrawler? (Sales Decline)
Bob Harras:
GAMBIT!
(Mark Powers
erases Gambit. SALES SKYROCKET!)
(1980. Splinter
has Senator Kelly trapped in his office, with only the aid of an
intern-- Nope: not even gonna go there--rather with the aid of
Sprite.)
Sprite: Stop
Rodent. I wouldn't hurt him if I were you.
Splinter: And
why wouldn't you?
Sprite: Isn't it
obvious enough? When you do get the control you want, and the
cartoon you want, you'll be written out after one season. Two
seasons, max. I mean "mentors" aren't the cool thing
anymore. You sure don't see our mentor Xavier here with us, do
you? You'll be old news in no time.
Splinter: NO!
It's true! It's TRUE! I'VE FAILED!!!
(Splinter runs
away, catches a glue trap, and keeps running. By the time the
X-men meet up with Katherine Pryde, she is once again the child
they knew. They can only hope that the battle they fought was not
in vain. Was it?)
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