"The X-Men in:
THE HUNT FOR XAVIER"
(as originally scripted by Mark Powers)
by Rick

(scene: a barn in Tennessee)

Wolverine- Whew. I'm glad that the editors have cut the team roster down to 8 members, AND have done so in order to cut back on all of these crossover epics.

Storm- As am I, Logan. I mean, how many times can we possibly fight a large murder of crows?

(everyone snickers)

Rogue- Yeah! At least WE didn't chicken out!

Kitty- I hear 'ya! I can't believe that Cyke & Jeanie couldn't stop those birds. What a bunch of putzes.

(everyone snickers again)

(ENTER NICK FURY)

Storm- (wiping tear from eye) Oh, Nick. How are you? What brings you to this barn?

Nick Fury- I have been ordered, by SHIELD, to kill Pyro, who is burning cornfields all across this county. But, I thought that you guys may like to try to tckle him first, since you bombed with those crows.

Colossus- That was not us, my friend. Those losers were the original 5 members, and they've disappeared along with Maggott, Cecilia, and......uh.....that buff, blad, black guy with guns and a big "M" tattoo on his face........uh.....GOD! I cant remember his name.

Nick Fury- Like it matters. Anyway....you have 2 hours to kill Pyro, or SHIELD will.

(NICK LEAVES)

Marrow- Well, let's go everyone.

(EVERYONE LEAVES BARN AND STARTS WANDERING AROUND THE FIELDS)

NightCrawler- No sign of him. Just burnt corn stalks, and LOTS of popcorn lying around everywhere.

Rogue- WAIT! Over there!

(PYRO IS CREATING A LARGE X IN THE SKY IN THE SHAPE OF AN 'X')

Gambit- Someone stop him! He's trying to spell Chaos again!

(EVERYONE DOGPILES ON PYRO)

Pyro- Stop it! I'm trying to reach Xavier so that he can stop the giant, evil robot known as Cerebro.

Wolverine- Uh.....you weren't supposed to tell us who was after you yet.

Pyro- Oh well......trust me. Ive read the script and its pretty much the same thing for about 20 pages or so....

Marrow- Well, then. WE must find Xavier so he can help YOU beat Cerebro.

Kitty- We should go back to the mansion and use Cerebro to locate him!

Gambit- Uh....how do we use Cerebro to track Xavier, so he can come and then kill Cerebro?

Storm- Goddess! Gambit used logic! The end is nigh!

NightCrawler- Remy, you dumkaff! Kitty was referring to the generic-Cerebro that I made while we were in the team, Excalibur.

Colossus- Quick everyone.......to the Blackbird.

(TEAM GETS IN A 1973 SKY-BLUE PINTO AND STARTS TO DRIVE)

Wolverine- Oh, crap! This new Blackbird sucks! We'll never get to the mansion in time to find Xavier at THIS rate!

Marrow- Turn off the A/C, and the car will go faster.

(A FEW MINUTES LATER, AT THE MANSION, KITTY IS USING CEREBRO 2 TO FIND XAVIER)

Kitty- Ok.....let's use this thing. I always thought that you had to have telepathic powers to operate this machine, but thanks to the editing skills of Mark Powers, I am able to use it as well.

Rogue- Groovy.

Kitty- Ok.....Im getting a faint indication of where the Prof. is........wait.......NO! It cannot be!!!

Colossus- What?! Did you find TWO indications of the Professor?!

Kitty- No. For a second, I picked up a stray transmission from a local radio station, and they were playing that Brittany Spears song.

Storm- Goddess!

Kitty- Oh wait. Yeah, I also got 2 signals for Charles. We should split up and check them both out.

Storm- Agreed. Wolverine, you take Kitty, NightCrawler and Marrow with you, and head for the first signal in San Fransisco. Gambit, Rogue, Colossus and I shall check out the signal in the Arctic.

Rogue- Yeah......that's balanced!

(THE TEAMS SPLIT UP AND HEAD FOR THEIR DIFFERENT LOCATIONS. STORM'S TEAM ARRIVES IN THE ARCTIC FIRST.)

Storm- Ok, everyone. Here we are. Let's use the handy mini-Cerebros that have been on our wrists the whole time that we've been on the team, yet we never knew they were there.

Rogue- Sure, sugah.

Gambit- Mon Ami! I am getting a signal from over there! In that igloo that's shaped like a breast!

Colossus- Let us check it out my friends. We could get lucky!

Rogue- (jaw gaped) Peter!!! You horny PIG!

Colossus- I meant, lucky as in "we may find Charles".

Rogue- Oh. I thought you were insinuating that you may get to sleep with some slut.

Storm- Um....hey Rogue, speaking of slut.....did you pack your daisy dukes? (snicker)

Gambit- SH! Look! It looks like Charles! I cannot see his face, but it looks like him.

Colossus- Where is his wheelchair? He seems to be standing and holding a mop.

Rogue- It's NOT Charles........its......its.......HIM!

(MEANWHILE IN SAN FRANSISCO)

Wolverine- Ok. Turn on the stealth on the Blackbird so we can search for Chuck.

Marrow- Wolvie......it's a Pinto. There IS no stealth mode!

NightCrawler- Oh well......just push it in the bay. Like anyone will notice.

Kitty- Ok.....Im using my mini-Cerebro unit to search......er, HUNT for Xavier.

Marrow- Any sign of him?

Kitty- No. I'm just getting this blip that keeps saying BIG ROBOT BEHIND YOU. What could THAT mean?

NightCrawler- What did you say, Katzken? I couldnt hear you because of this giant robot behind us.

Giant Robot- I am Cerebro, and I am here to catalogue you!

Marrow- Catalogue us? That sounds stupid.

Giant Robot- Not as stupid as it was for you to have 2 hearts!

(CEREBRO BEGINS TO SHOOT LASERS)

Wolverine- Everyone! Run for Alcatraz! We can fight Cerebro there and not have to worry about civilians.

NightCrawler- "Run" to Alcatraz? Um....isn't that an island-prison? How do we "run" to it?

Marrow- Well.......Mr. Powers said that we can all fly now.

Kitty- Huh? Did he really? Well......ok. Let's fly there.

(EVERYONE FLIES TO ALCATRAZ)

NightCrawler- This is ridiculous! How are we going to stop Cerebro when he knows EVERY way to kill us......thanks to those files that he downloaded from the Professor's computer.

Kitty- (nervous) I hope he didn't download the pics that the Professor had of me on his hard drive! How embarassing.

Marrow- Wait everyone! Look over there! In that cell! Isn't that the Blob?

Wolverine- HEY BLOB! HELP US OUT OVER HERE SO WE CAN FIND XAV.......oh wait. That's not the Blob. It's just Rosie O'Donnell. What are YOU doing here, Rosie?

Rosie- Well, I scrub the floors here on the side.

Kitty- Well, uh, do you have any powers?

Rosie- Not that I know of.

(ENTER MARK POWERS)

Powers- Well.......I seem to remember you from the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, so "yes" you ahve powers.

Rosie- Ok. I guess my power is to tell sucky jokes.

Marrow- Try it! Nothing we can do seems to stop Cerebro!

Rosie- Ok......uh......OH! I have one! Okay......a nun, a Jehovah's Witness and Monica Lewinsky walk into a bar.......

(A LASER FRIES ROSIE)

Wolverine- Thank you, Cerebro!

NightCrawler- Mein Gott! While you guys were standing here wasting 15 panels, I went and found Charles.

Professor- Hello. I am here. Unfortunately, this is the first draft of this story, so we do not go to the arctic, and that little ugly mutant girl doesn't get to turn me on.

Kitty- Um.............ew.

Professor- I meant my powers, Kitty.

Kitty- Oh.

Giant Robot- Surrender to me so I can catalogue you all.

Professor- No, Cerebro. You are a robot, and since you are, you lack the human emotion of feelings. Without them, you will never know what it is like to touch another person. Or how it feels when you truly love someone. Or what happens when you meet up with some woman that you don't even know, and she comes back to the mansion with you, and while you send the team out on a mission, you have your way with her, over and over, like one of those mechanical ponies in the front of a supermarket and..........

(EVERYONE IS STARING AT THE PROFESSOR)

Professor- Um......let me try to say that again without losing my dignity.

NightCrawler- Too late.

Professor- You, Cerebro, cannot kill, because killing is wrong.

Giant Robot- (crying) Oh, Charles. I am sorry for what I have done. Can you eer forgive me?

Professor- I'm afraid not. BUT.......you can still be of use to us. Wolverine......bust him up and then use his parts to build a new car for us. We shall call it the Blackbird.

(MEANWHILE IN THE ARCTIC)

Storm- Charles! It is us.......your XMen!

(THE BALD MAN TURNS AROUND)

Gambit- Um....'dat ain't the Professor.

Colossus- Surely not! This bald man is standing up with a mop, and he smells lemony fresh.

Rogue- That could only mean..........

Storm- The man is..........

Bald Man- I am Mr. Clean. I have spent the last 5 years buffing the floor of this monastary, and now you've gone and smudged it up!

Gambit- Sorry.

Storm- Well......let's go, team. We should hurry to help the other team so we can see if they've found Charles. We'll stop at Taco Bell on the way. I hear they have tiny, stuffed animals of that little dog that says YO QUIERO TACO BELL.

Rogue- Cool! Let's go. Bye Mr. Clean. Sorry about the mess, but we needed a space filler that would take up about 15 panels.

Bald Man- Whatever. Just leave. Please?

(EVERYONE LEAVES)

(HOURS LATER, AT THE MANSION)

Storm- It is good to see you, Charles.

Professor- I know, Storm. I thought that I would never see you again.

Wolverine- We were wondering when we would find you. We really were worried, but Mark Powers wouldn't let us come looking for you. He made Scott and Jean fight crows, and then we all went swimming and got beat up by Sauron, then......

Professor- My God! That is terrible!

Gambit- Yes it was. They were tough to beat.

Professor- No, dolt. I meant those storyline s. THEY were terrible!

Kitty- No kidding. We keep trying to get out of our contracts, but they won't let us.

NightCrawler- Yeah, they said that we had to take part in the Hunt for Xavier first.

Professor- I am glad that you did, because since you searched for me, you found me.

(EVERYONE GETS AN EVIL GRIN ON THEIR FACE AND TURNS TO LOOK AT THE PROFESSOR)

Professor- What? Did I pee on myself again?

Marrow- No. See.....now that we searched and found you, the HUNT can begin.

NightCrawler- Yeah. HUNT refers to something that you track down in order to capture, maim or kill.

(EVERYONE PICKS UP AND COCKS A SHOTGUN)

Professor- Uh-oh! Wheels, don't fail me now!!!!!