The GW boys do not belong me, and I make no claim to them. I'm simply writing this fic for my own sick amusement. No money is being made off of this fic. So don't sue, because guess what? I'm broke, whahahahahaha!
I wrote this story after watching Endless Waltz (so there's some spoilers for the end of the series). It always struck me as odd that you never actually see the girl die. Just her dog. So I wrote this with assumption that she didn't die. Enjoy!
Heero walked slowly down the street of the colony, coat thrown carelessly over one shoulder. No one recognized him, which was an untold blessing. The other pilots might use their notoriety as former Gundam pilots as an advantage, but he preferred anonymity. It made it easier to look into the eyes of those who had lost families four years ago to the war if they didn't know who you were.
He didn't want to be here. Too many memories still shadowed this place. As if he were seeing a double exposed photograph, Heero saw places of his past overlay the places of the future. A open air market gave way to the memory of a burning OZ base. Over there new apartments were replaced by shattered concrete, twisted steel, and the broken body of a puppy. Finally in a small grassy park dedicated to those lost in the war, a voice called from the past.
*Are you lost Nii-san?*
The chainlink fence that had once stood here had been replaced. Instead a small fence and an iron wrought gate were the only things barring him from the park. He pushed it open, sending a flock of pigeons into heavy winged flight. Before him stood a statue of a winged angel, a motto for peace carved up its base. "Peace can not be given, it must be earned. Forgive but never forget."
"Are you still lost, Nii-san?"
Only his years of training as a soldier prevented Heero from reacting to that voice, that question. A girl on the verge of becoming a woman walked to stand beside him. Her hair was perhaps a few shades darker than he remembered, and her eyes had shadows within them that had not been there before. But it was still her. Somethings were burned so deeply in his mind that he would never forget. "You didn't answer my question, Nii-san. Are you still lost?"
"I've been lost since before I was born." It was like reading the lines of a script in a well rehearsed play. She watched him with hard, sad eyes. Eyes that Heero couldn't even force himself to meet. It was like the spirits of all the people he had ever killed had been given a voice in this one girl. Instead of facing his past, he stared at the stone statue of the angel, trying to hide from it.
"You know, I didn't expect you to remember me. I really didn't think you would come. And now that I'm here, and you're here, I don't... I don't know what to say." As quickly as it had appeared, the sadness left her eyes. Heero didn't respond, not sure what was required of him to make amends for what he had done. "I know this sounds kind of strange, but something told me that you needed to see me."
"I got the letter in the mail. Once I saw those words, I had to come." Off in the distance a barking dog chased a squirrel up a tree. A sudden wind came up, blowing hair into Heero's face. The world seemed to have become as surreal as the conversation he was having.
"I've always been good at remembering faces. When I saw your face on the TV, saw that you were a Gundam pilot, I knew it was you, Nii-san. It didn't take much to track you down once I had the connection. Though now that I look at you, I wonder if I shouldn't have done this sooner. Even if I wasn't ready. Heck, I'm still not ready." She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, a nervous gesture.
With a deep breath, Heero took his eyes off the statue to look at her. She sighed, sat down on the grass, and began rummaging through the backpack she brought. After a few moments she produced four cloth bound books which she offered to Heero. He stared at them in confusion, before hesitantly taking them. The cloth was rough under his palm.
"Those are now yours. You can do whatever you want with them. I hope you read them. They're my dairies from the day my family died in the explosion seven years ago, to yesterday evening. I found myself within their pages. I hope you can do the same." Then she took a step back, and laughed nervously.
"I spent almost half of my life trying to figure out what I'd say to you if I ever saw you again. Now ... now I don't know what to say."
"You don't... hate me?" Somehow Heero made it more a question than a statement. She looked startled for a moment, as if the idea had never crossed her mind, then she gave into laughter. As if summoned by the sound, a huge golden retriever bounded up tongue lolling out of its mouth.
"I think I did, once. But not anymore. I was there when you found my dog, Meru. I still can't believe I named a boy dog Meru. I was hiding behind a hunk of concrete, trying to disbelieve what had happened. I never forgot how you looked when you found him. I might have been too young and wrapped up in my grief to understand then. But later... later I forgave you. And now that I've met you, I think you hate yourself enough for both of us."
Her tone, her words, her eyes were all too old for her age. She was a child of war. Just like he was. And it hurt him deep down inside to realize it. Then, she smiled, and the years the war had added to her life fell away.
"I forgive you, Nii-san. And maybe it's presumptuous of me to speak for them, but I think everyone else does too. I just want you to forgive yourself."
"I'll try," Heero said. He tucked the books up under his arm and watched as she clipped the leash to the golden retriever's collar. For a few more seconds she remained kneeling in the grass, ignoring the dampness of the grass stains seeping into her jeans. Then she spoke.
"You know, I was the one that came up with that saying at the bottom of the statue. Forgive but never forget. Words to live by, ne?" But she was speaking to thin air. The boy that she had called from across the vastness of space was gone. The dog at her side whined and looked off down a now deserted street.
"I know, boy. But there's nothing more we can do for him. It's all up to him now. Let's go home, Hero."
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Lost, a GW fanfic
Susan Lee Gidley
� 1999, Tsaiko