Still nothing is happening up here.

I don't crave immortality. On the one hand, I feel in a sense that I already have it... in either that I can't picture myself dying and I tend to believe in reincarnation. On the other, I don't want to get old... I want to die young, before I start falling apart. On the third hand (I don't really have three hands, so I guess this is on one of my feet), I get bored of things too easily and I think I would get bored of living if I did it forever... I am often bored of living and I haven't done it for nearly that long yet.

Blood is delicious, isn't it?

I wish my high school would crumble... I hated that place. My idea for a perfect graduation was to play Alice Cooper's "School's Out" as we marched and blow up the school at the end of the song.

I don't normally dream. When I am sleeping, all I see is a huge void, but I am God there and I can fill it with whatever I want. I have my own universe to command, but it is completely under my command and nothing random happens, so while it is amusing to play God, it becomes boring after awhile since there is no random element. It is also tiresome, since I can not rest while controling an entire universe. I read in a book (I think Crowley's Eight Lectures on Yoga or Little Essay's Towards Truth) that this is considered to be a higher mind state that Tibetian monks work towards... I have had it as a natural ability ever since I was very young.

The only time I have any dreams other than this are when I am having visions of the future... this used to happen a lot when I was younger, but does not happen too often any more. This clairvoyance can also be considered a higher mind state.

I don't really have any huge craving to dream... I have enough problems dealing with reality without having fictional elements thrown in.

I can put aside logic sometimes, but I usually perfer to remain logical since in the exceptions I can be a danger to myself and others around me. Furthermore, my logical approach to the world minimizes the emotional hurt which I am prone to feel, either directly or indirectly since I have strong empathic abilities.

Life can be an adventure even if approached logicly, just a little less risky. Occassionally, when I feel it is worth the risk, I will temporarily suspend logic, but only after the risk has been calculated and weighed against the potential benefits.

Marc has told me that he is interested in you... I have no way of judging how interested. Whether or not you should take the risk is up to you... if you feel attracted to him, go for it. If things work out, then you will both be better off... if not, then you can learn from the experience and move on, the better for having the experience. The only bad experience is one which you neither enjoy nor learn from and there is no experience that you can not learn from... it is just a question of how willing you are to learn the leasons taught.

When ever you have an emotional situation, it envolves risk and vulnerability. It is necessary to experience risk if you want to find love.

I don't believe in trusting anyone who is not six feet deep, but I would trust Marc more than I would trust most people. As for whether he would be there, knowing Marc, if you let him, he will become so attached that you would have a hard time getting rid of him if you tried (I used to be that way until I had a number of experiences which taught me otherwise).

I believe that in order for you to have a successful relationship, you need to have a third catagory of symbiotic relationships, where you both give and take. I believe that Marc would fit nicely into that catagory.

I was listening to the Animals a few minutes ago, but the tape ended... I think I'm going to go fix that... hold on...

... put on some AC/DC.

I don't believe that anyone is ruined or destroyed... I believe everyone who truly wants to and has faith in themselves can rise to the top.

Everyone I know is either looking for love or under a very false delusion that they have found it. While I have not been able to find it, I at least have the advantage over most in that I know what I am looking for and know when I am looking in the wrong places. I wrote this about love:
 
 

You should not give so much... save yourself for people who can and will appreciate you and return your affections.

The Buddists (sp?) and certain schools of Magick believe everything is sorrow. The only way to achieve happiness is by your own annihilation, becoming nothing. The way in which to do this is to find your own True Will and follow it. To do this, you must gain communication with your Holy Guardian Angle (a.k.a. Higher Self). Eventually, by accomplishing your True Will, you earn your own annihilation and rejoin the nothing from which the universe first came.

I am not in the habit of shooting people, especially not those that haven't wronged me. Even if I had an inclination to, I don't have a gun. A better idea would be that you should resolve your disillusions so you are better prepared to find satisfication.
 
 

Yours truly,
 
 

Brian Matthew Kessler