Eek! They're everywhere! In the walls, the pipes... there is no escape. No, we are not talking about roaches... worse, GUIDOS! (or as I like to call them, Grotesque Uncivilized Impotent Dildo Operators).

Ok, so maybe that is blowing it slightly out of proportion, but there is little you can do in New Jersey without running into them and they are making life a hell. If you are either mentally retarded or have been in a coma the past several years, then you may not know what a guido is, so I will attempt to tell you a bit about them, and their female counterparts, the guidetts.

First off, guidos: They are the males of this Homo sapian sub-specie (classified as being more primitive then the ameba.) They tend to cut their hair to look like someone's front lawn. They wear more jewelry than Mr. T. (You know, that illiterate nigger from the A Team who can't even spell his last name.) They wear those baggy Cavarichies. (or however you the hell you spell it; I do not want to stare at some guidos fly trying to figure it out.) They listen to the world's most nauseating music (such as club and rap) and do not know how to turn down their car stereos. I know of actual cases where guidos have accomplished blowing out their car windows from this stupidity. They tend to think everyone likes them, however it is quite the opposite; the only people who don't hate them are guidos and guido-wanna-be's. They have no respect for their girlfriends and tend to cheat on them left and right and dump them without any provocation.

Next, guidetts: These are the females of this sub-species. They wear their hair up higher than the laws of physics should allow, a curse to anyone who should wind up sitting behind them in a crowded movie theatre. They are preoccupied with money, fast cars, and big muscles. They know nothing, except possibly their first name and their boyfriend's first name (in a few rare cases, they might be gifted and also know their last names): in other words, they are complete air-heads. Many of them have been heard to say that men are scum, however this is because the only men they date are scum (the lowest of scum at that). If they should ever dare to date a non-guido and risk ruining their social image, they would quickly learn otherwise.

If you are having guido problems in your neighborhood, then you should contact your friendly local gun shop. I am sure the proprietor can set you up with a nice 9 mm handgun; a few combat / handgun courses and you are ready to have some fun while also eliminating the problem in your area and helping the stop the spread of guidoism world-wide.