Brian Matthew Kessler
XXXX Carol Road
Union, New Jersey 07083
(908)/687-XXXX (House)
(908)/687-XXXX(Bedroom)
March 26, 1993
NYPress
295 Lafayette St.
The Puck Bldg.
9th Fl.
Box 12005
NY, NY 10012
Dear 12005,
Sorry about my manner of addressing you. Let me make it quite clear that I have no delusions that you are not a number, you are a free man. Strike that... if you were a man, free or otherwise, I would not be writing this letter... you are not a number, you are a free woman... somehow that doesn't sound aesthetically pleasing, but I will ignore that for the moment. The reason I address you in such a poor manner is obvious... I have no other way of addressing you... something I hope that you shall decide to amend.
I am an introvert by nature, but by necessity I have changed myself into an extrovert to such an extent that I am the most extroverted person in attendance at Hunter College, where I currently attend.
I am considered "hot", "handsome", "adorable", or other such things by many of the women I know... unfortunately, they tend not to meet my very finicky standards. I am somewhere between 5'6 and 5'11, depending on the doctor that measures me... the last one said 5'8. I weigh about 130 - 135. I am white (except during the summer when I go to red and then to tan). I have long brown hair (with a touch of red in it during the summer as it gets bleached by the sun). My eyes are hazel, changing from brown to green.
I love fun (although I find it as a rarity, especially in Jersey). Parties can be nice, so long as conditions remain favorable for being social, and not just a hotchpotch of mindless zombies (although, even this can be entertaining if looked at from the right perspective).
In certain perspectives, some may find reason to call me "Jovi-esque", although those people are probably the same ignoramuses that would mis-label me a burnout or a metal head. While I will admit that a very long while ago he put out a few decent songs every now and then, his name has since become synomonous with "poser", the act of cutting his hair clinching it (at least in my book). Granted, a lot of people grow their hair as posers as well and I am afraid it is a rarity that I meet other people who are not a poser at one level or another. Even the punk scene has become littered with posers... but I am digressing. I can name a few similarities between us that are valid though: A) We are both from Jersey (although this statement is very much the same as saying that we crawled out of a bowl of cow dung), B) We both had long hair at one time (but unlike him, I still have it), C) We both have artistic tendencies (but unlike him, mine are not corrupted by trying to please the public, which I am hard pressed to care less about) and D) We both have worshippers (although while he is worshipped for his musical talents, and perhaps by some his looks, I am worshipped for my looks, my intellectual abilities, my ability to write, and my convince to entire schools [Union High School and Stockton State College] into believing I was either the messiah or the anti-Christ).
I have not had much opportunity to enjoy hot tubs (actually not any) however I enjoy new things and adventure, and it would be my pleasure to have you introduce me the experience.
As for "puppy", my ex described me as one; this made me think of "River Deep, Mountain High" ("When you were a young girl, did you have a puppy,/ that always followed you around?/ Well, I'll be as faithful as that puppy./ Oh, no, I'll never ever let you down." by Deep Purple (one of my favorite groups) and the similarity was not unconvincing. But, I would more readily describe myself as a lion (very true to my Leo nature), and if I don't eat puppies for breakfast, it is only because I'm lazy as most cats are. Of course, cats can also be quite friendly and loyal if given the proper respect, and when motivated, they have an unlimited strength and endurance.
I would send you a photograph, only I have non available (aside from some very outdated pictures taken in elementary school). You have my personal assurances I am not ugly. On top of that, fair's fair, and I have little idea what you look like either.
I look forward to hearing from you (address and phone on top of the first page). Don't get too freaked out if you reach the machine on my bedroom line.
Yours truly,
Brian Matthew Kessler