Madness (Does it matter?)

by Brian Matthew Kessler


The world is a fucked up place to live in. This is obvious and barely worth the paper it is written on. Unfortunately we have no other place to live yet and even if we did, most of us would not have the option of living there anyway. Does it matter?

Probably not. We are only doomed to live here for about a hundred years, give or take a couple decades and if things get really bad we can usually do something drastic like slit our wrists or have someone do it for us. Does it matter?

Of course not. We don't stay dead. Sooner or later we are doomed to come back to the miserable state of living since our minds refuse to stop functioning and therefore choose to house themselves in another pitiful humans where we will have to deal with fucked up emotions. Does it matter?

Only if we let it. So why do we? Why do we allow ourselves to hate? Hate is by choice. Sure we must feel it from time to time, but we choose if we dwell on it or move on. But yet the majority of us still choose to live with hate. Why? Does it matter?

And what of love? Is it any less fucked up? Allowing yourself to get attached to other people who will never appreciate what you feel for them because they prefer to have relationships with people who neglect their true value, who cheat on them, who wouldn't want them if they didn't have looks or money... why would you want to allow yourself to do that? Every woman I could ever bring myself to love have shown me that they do not want my love, perhaps on a rare occasion my advice, my money, my body, but never my love... and every woman I ever met who wanted my love were woman who by their very nature could never have my love. Why do the lovable people reject love while the unlovable people horde it? Does it matter?

And what about lust? Does it not just serve to cloud the whole issue of love? It brings you countless diseases, be they mental, physical, or emotional. Countless games have been played in the name of love, but the wise know these to be nothing more than lust... if it was love there would be no need for these games where eventually everyone loses and gets hurt. Does it matter?

And all these questions that we can not answer, why do we ask them? Do we like to just send our minds racing in circles, never to find answers that will satisfy us? Are we a race of masochists? Do we really want all this mental anguish? Does it matter?

Life sucks. This is a fact of life. I need to get away from life. How? Death is not the answer. But continuing to live isn't either. I hate life, but no more than I hate death. I need to find something in between. Does it matter?

Fuck this world. It sucks. If you want it, you can have it, but don't give it to me. I am getting off on the first ship out of here. Does it matter?

If you could be so blind as not to have noticed, I am feeling rather pessimistic right now. I have a right to be. I am not a pessimist. I am a realist and the reality is that there is nothing worth living for but countless illusions. Why would anyone want to live for an illusion? The answer is that there is nothing worth dying for except a greater number of illusions and to die for an illusion is worse than to live for one. Does it matter?

I want a gun. I want to kill every guy who has ever mistreated a woman I desired, desire, or would desire if I knew them. While I am at it, I can kill the rest too... they are only illusions anyway. Does it matter?

I also want to invent a biological weapon that reacts on chemicals released by the body when someone consciously tries to deceive another person, regardless of their motive. It should be something that is quite fatal. I am sick of hearing lies and girls who play too many mind games. Does it matter?

If you read this, you'll probably decide I need a new white windbreaker that is properly worn backwards with the arms strapped together. Maybe your right. Does it matter?

All the drugs the hospital gives me will just make things worse. Does it matter?

Nothing matters. Eventually it will come to an end and then we would be able to forget about it, if we weren't all too busy not existing. Fuck it. It doesn't matter.