These are the jokes that I like,
there arent many here now because I've just started this page.
It could get kind of long, so give
it a moment to load.
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on
a Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds
to stumble down
into the water and stands next to the Minister.
The Minister
turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister,
are you ready
to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water
and pulls
him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite
a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you
found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for
at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands,
"For the grace
of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are
you sure this
is where he fell in?"
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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload
of wheat on the
road. The farmer that lived nearby came
to investigate. "Hey,
Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles
for a while and
come
and have dinner with us. Then I'll help
you overturn the
wagon."
"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but
I don't think
Dad
would like me to."
"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host.
"I feel a lot
better now, but I know Dad's going to be real
upset."
"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon," replied Willis.
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A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in
the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of
you gentlemen
owns
the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his
body hair
growing
out of the seams turned slowly on his stool.
He looked down at
the
quivering little man and said, "It's my dog.
Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous,
"I believe my dog
just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief.
"What in the hell
kind
of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your
puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
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A man was walking along a California beach and
was in
deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord,
you have promised to
give me the desires of my heart. That's
what I am asking
you for right now. Please give me a confirmation
that you will grant my wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and
the Lord in
a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched
your heart
and determined it to be pure. The last
time I issued a blank
wish request it was to Solomon. He didn't
disappoint me
with his request for wisdom. I think I
can trust that you won't
disappoint me either. Because you have
been faithful to me
in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask
for."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and
said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly
afraid of flying
and I get very seasick on boats. Could
you build a bridge to
Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever
I want?"
The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible!
Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports
ever reach the bottom
of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how
much steel!!!
Your request is very materialistic, a little
disappointing. I could
do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving
for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another
wish, a wish you think
would honor and glorify Me as well."
The man thought about it for a long while and
tried to think of a
really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's
the deal, Lord. I've been married and divorced
four times. My wives always said that I
don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I
could understand women...
I want to know how they feel inside and what
they're thinking when
they give me the silent treatment... I
want to know why they're crying...
I want to know what they really mean when they
say 'nothing'...
I want to know how to make them truly happy...That's
the wish that I
want, Lord."
Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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For those who take life too seriously...
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have five different
fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up
on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad
name.
7. I feel like I`m diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything
you
say will be misquoted then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would
be without
sponges?
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below
average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed
how popular
it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don`t get sucked
into
jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse
gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don`t
expect
it back.
22. My mind is like a steel trap -- rusty and
illegal in 37 states.
23. Quantum mechanics: the dream stuff is made
of.
24. The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
25. Support bacteria -- they`re the only culture
some
people have.
26. When everything`s coming your way, you`re
in the
wrong lane and going the wrong way.
****************************************************
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people
regarding God's
Law. I Have learned a great deal from you, and
I try to share
that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries
to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example,
I simply remind
him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
be an abomination.
End of debate. I do need some advice from you,
however,
regarding some of the specific laws and how to
best follow them.
a.. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice,
I know it
creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9).
The problem is
my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing
to them. How
should I deal with this?
b.. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery,
as it
suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age,
what do you think
would be a fair price for her?
c.. I know that I am allowed no contact with a
woman while she
is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev.
15:19-24). The
problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking,
but most women
take offense.
d.. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from
the nations
that are around us. A friend of mine claims that
this applies to
Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
e.. I have a neighbor who insists on working on
the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to
death. Am I
morally obligated to kill him myself?
f.. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is
an Abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination
than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle
this?
g.. Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach
the altar of God
if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit
that I wear
reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,
or is there
some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively,
so I am
confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding
us that
God's word is eternal and unchanging.
*****************************************************
Excerpts from letters sent to landlords
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot
bathe the children
until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove
as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there
is a smell coming from the
man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which
is running away from the
wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. Will you please send someone to repair
our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
9. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two
children and would
like to have a third, so will you please send
someone to do
something about it.
10. Will you please send a man to look at
my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink.
11. Could you please send someone to fix
the faucet in our bathtub.
My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very
uncomfortable for us.
14. When the workmen were here they put
their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send
men with clean tools
to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
