Well, here it goes: My last story. Of course, I've said that before, so perhaps the better phrasing would be: My last story for a few months until I get bored and decide to come back. But nevertheless, this is all you're getting for a while, so soak it up baby.
While writing this, I realized that make fun of a lot of people. I could've written something to make sure no one takes offense, but then I thought, Hey, if someone's actually going to take something seriously from an online rpg, then chances are that they have bigger problems than getting their feelings hurt. So I wrote the following instead:
DISCLAIMER:
This is a story written by David Youngblood about all his characters that he's ever played in an rpg, focusing centrally on CAC. Much, maybe even most, of this story contains Out Of Character storylines mixed in with semi-In Character ones. The result: Damn good humor. But most of those OOC-IC mixed comments are possible to take offense to. So, I just wanted to say before the story begins, that if while reading this, you find something that's borderline rude directed towards, you should take offense to it. Yup, any rude comments in this story should be taken personally. Chances are that I'm going to diss most of you in some way, and you should run home and cry afterwards. or, if you are home, just bang your head against the wall a few times. Some of you, I won't make fun of. That's not because I like you, it's just because I didn't think you were important enough. You should take offense to that too.
Also, if excessive cussing in any way offends you, you might not want to read much @#%$ further. Cause chances are, there's gonna be a lot of @#%$ cursewords in this @#%$ story.(I watch too much Dennis Miller)
Having said all that, let the madness begin.
[THE STORY]
CAC falls down and dies.
THE END
CAC: "What the @#%$?!! What kind of shitty last story is that supposed to be?"
David: "Well, I kept trying to think of a good way to kill, but nothing tops choking on bubble gum in your sleep. That was a classic."
CAC: "I hate to break this to you, especially since you are me and all, but it really wasn't that funny."
David: "Like hell! It was hilarious!"
CAC: "No, it wasn't. Kulu found it hilarious, and he kept telling you how hilarious it was. That boosted your ego too far, and now you have this twisted notion that it was funnier than it really was."
David: "Now that's just uncalled for."
CAC: "So is robbing me of a well-done death. Now start thinking, and come up with something better than "falls down and dies".
David: "We could have lots of guest stars. Everyone loves guest stars."
CAC: "Like who?"
David: "Like me!"
CAC: "But you're already here."
David: "No, other me's. We can get all my previous rpg characters in here!"
CAC: "AND THEN KILL THEM ALL!"
David: "What? Why?"
CAC: "If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me."
David: "Fine. It's a deal."
CAC: "So where do we start?"
David: "Well, my first rpg was RPG Planet."
CAC: "Who all did you play there?"
David: "Black Knight, Spider-Man 2099, Impulse, and Zauriel."
CAC: "Okay, get them in here."
The forgotten roleplaying characters enter.
CAC: "Take this."
CAC pulls out two guns, tossing one to David, and keeping the other for himself.
*bang*
Spider-Man 2099 is dead.
David: "No no no. We can't just kill them. It has to be funny."
CAC: "You're right. We'll need to cuss while we kill them."
David: "What will that accomplish?"
CAC: "Everything's funnier when you cuss."
David: "Really?"
CAC: "Of course. Allow me to demonstrate. Knock knock."
David: "Who's there?"
CAC: "Bill Clinton."
David: "Bill Clinton who?"
CAC: "Bill Clinton, the ex-President."
David: "Um...that wasn't funny."
CAC: "Exactly. There was no cussing. Now, we'll try it again with cursewords."
David: "Okay, but i don't think it'll be funnier."
CAC: "Yesterday I got a catalog for reduced prices on government repossessed hairpieces."
David: "Um...that wasn't even the same joke. But I will admit it was ever so slightly funnier."
CAC: "Now you know the importance of cursewords."
Pope: "I don't think your language is appropriate young man."
CAC throws the Pope in the the general direction of San Francisco, and gets back to what he was doing.
CAC and David go on to kill the rest of the characters from RPG Planet....while cussing.
IF YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY, WHICH YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T, THEN TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR: WHEN ABANDONED RPG CHARACTERS ATTACK!!!
[next time]
CAC: "Now who?"
David: "I guess Black Panther is next."
Black Panther pops in. David raises his gun, but doesn't fire.
David: "I just can't do it. Black panther's too cool."
CAC: "Well, I can."
*bang*
But Black Panther isn't dead.
David: "Y'see, BP has a vibranium lining in his suit that protects him from bullets."
CAC: "Oh...@#%$...."
Black Panther is angry.
Black Panther: "I'm angry."
Black Panther is about to try to kill his attackers for vengeance.
Black Panther: "I'm about to try to kill my attackers for vengeance."
Black panther leaps at CAC, but the dashing hero simply turns intagible. Going back to his hardest density he starts swinging wildly at BP, going for weak spots.
David just stands back.
David: "He's Black panther. He kicks more ass than the whole Resistance put together. He doesn't have any weak spots."
CAC: "Every male has at least one weak spot."
CAC punches BP in the balls, only to break his hand in three places.
David: "Told ya so."
CAC: "Only one thing can save us now. Put on the Dave Matthews Band."
David does as he's told, and soon the battle begins to turn.
CAC: "We were walking, yeah, just the other day. It was so hot outside, why, you could fry an egg. I remember you were talking--"
David: "Cut to the chorus, or we're dead."
CAC: "Whether right or wrong, you know it makes me want to stay, stay, STAY FOR A WHILE"
CAC begins to glow as he gets stronger and stronger.
CAC: "Make me wanna make me wanna--"
David: "Stay"
CAC: "Don't it, make you wanna--"
David: "Stay"
CAC: "Make me wanna make me wanna--"
David: "Stay"
CAC: "Don't it, make you wanna-"
David: "Stay"
CAC: "Whether right or wrong, you know it makes us wanna stay--"
David: "stay--"
CAC and David: "STAY FOR A WHILE!"
CAC ceases to glow, and with a simple gesture of his hand, Black Panther's head is ripped off.
CAC: "But I never even touched him! That must mean I have my tk powers again! I wonder if the other stuff is back as well. Quick, get another character in here!"
David: "Um...Falcon."
Falcon appears, and CAC wipes his mind.
CAC: "IT WORKS! THIS MEANS I'M UNBEATABLE!"
Jaik: "Not quite."
CAC: "JAIK?!! What are you doing here? This is a topic for David's characters only!"
Jaik: "That's true, but David included me in one of his posts in the "Attack of the Killer French People" thread, so I count. And with my ridiculously too strong powers, I will defeat you."
[Intermission]
This is an OOC segment of the story that we like to call:
CRAIG KILBORN'S FROM MARVEL RPG BASH!!!!
Craig: "This is a special show dedicated to the From Marvel RPG. It will include brief interviews, one game, and several awards. My first guess is High Lord, who played Apocaylpse, the game's first villian. Welcome High Lord. Are you ready to play 5 Questions?"
HL: "Indeed!"
Craig: "Great! Questions 1: Geography. What is the furthermost northern villiage in Nepal?"
HL "Indeed!"
Craig: " Amazing! No one's ever got that right before. Inndede, Nepal, is correct. Question 2: In the movie Smoke My Mind, what is the last thing that Chris Tucker's character says befoe dying?"
HL: "It's all good!"
Craig: "Correct again! You must be a real movie buff Mr. High Lord. Question 3: Pick a number. Is it 7?"
HL: "Indeed!"
Craig: You got it! Question 4: What is the correct response if Mickey Rooney is depressed because he threw a party which no one else comes to?"
HL: "This place is off the hizook!"
Craig: "Yes! One more, for a perfect score of 5 out of 5! If you get this right, you could join brilliant minds such as Bill Murray! What was the most consequential expedition to area destined to become Indian Territory and later Oklahoma in the 1800s?"
HL: "That would be the Long Expedition. Because he mistook the Canadian River to be the Arkansas River, he ended up in modern day Oklahoma. Proof that no one comes to Oklahoma on purpose. His excursion yielded important data about the area's flora, fauna, and size. Because of his reports, the same place was later chosen to remove the eastern Indians to. Even today, we cans till learn much from his journey.
.........PS: Indeed!"
Craig: "Um...yeah. Anyway, let's go to our next guest. Everyone welcome Sabre. Sabre, tell us all the answer to the burning question that everyone wants to know: Have you ever slept with Spiffydude?"
Sabre: "No, but I did give a hand job once."
Craig: "Juicy. Next up is Kulu. Kulu, have you ever gotten in on with a fellow member?"
Kulu: "I got it on with Tokay last night. And Slaine the night before. And Liqwid as well, which turned out to be more difficult than I'd thought."
Craig: "That's...uh...nice. Next is Beast. Beast, we all know you used to force smurfs into performing sexual favors on you. What are you in to now?"
Beast: "I've been getting some machinical love from CHIP lately."
Craig: "Allrighty then. What about you Ashe?"
Ashe: "I'm a proud necrophiliac, and continue to hump George's body on a regular basis."
Craig: "Um, didn't George's body disappear?"
Ashe: "oh. Then who was that?"
Craig: On that disturbing note, let's move on to the OOC awards:
Most likely to play a game of curling in the nude: Lia
Most likely to not have a long one in real life: Andy(Doom)
Most likely to have a goofy haircut: Craig
Most likely to be typing out of a mental institution: Chris
Most likely to be named Alex: Alex
Most likely to be named Butch: John
Most likely to be disappointed by his award: the other Andy
Most likely to be a machine in real life: Ronald
Most likely to have a mental breakdown: Taylor
Most likely to have another mental breakdown: David
Most likely to get a sex change: Mal
And that's our show for the night. Goodnight everyone!"
[End Intermission]
[story again]
CAC and David do their best to fight Jaikbluze, but he's too powerful. Despite getting back his old powers, on top of his current ones, CAC can't stand up against the unreasonable too strong powers of Jaik.
Jaik: "I'm too strong for you! I'll beat you all! hahahahahahaha!!"
CAC: "Looks like you've taken everthing into account Jaikbluze. Only that you've forgotten just one little thing."
Jaik: "Oh? And what's that?"
CAC: "I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR, BITCH!!!!!!"
CAC drops his pants for Jaikbluze to see. Just the sheer site of what lies beneath is too much for Jaik to take, and his head immediately explodes. The foe vanquished, CAC pulls his pants back up.
CAC: "Hey David, think we'll get on the funniest quotes list at all?"
David: "Of course not."
CAC: "What? Why not?"
David: "First of all, we have to say something funny to get put on there. Second, this is more of an OOC topic."
CAC: "No it isn't. I'm here, aren't I?"
David: "Yes, you are, but so am I. That means we're not eligible."
CAC: "If I kill you, will that make us eligible?"
David: "No, that'll just leave you without a writer. Sorry, but unless the rules get bent, it ain't gonna happen."
CAC: "Damn. Think we'll at least get put on the site in this story?"
David: "No, they only put good stories on the site."
CAC: "Maybe someone will nominate this story."
David: "Who? All the people we just made fun of? Do you really think there's a slightest chance in hell? Cause I don't."
CAC: "Then we get revenge. Y'know the loophole that let Jaik get in here? We could use it to get all the characters from this rpg to come, and then KILL THEM ALL!!!"
David: "We can't do that. They're not our characters. We'd be lynched!"
CAC: "Fine then. Let's get back to killing of your old characters then."
2 more Black Knights both get killed of heat exhaustion. Deadshot gets shot dead. Nightwing gets wrapped in wet rawhide, and is crushed to death as it dries.
Yellowjacket shrinks too far and is eaten by, well, a yellowjacket. Multiple Man divides into two, and one of him gets a sex change. Then the two different clones divide a shitload of time, making a lot of male Jamie Madroxes and female Jamie Madroxes. Then he has sex with himself a whole bunch of times. I don't know how he ended up dying, but you must admit, that'd be some funny @#%$.
Falcon and the custom character, CrystalWing, fight each other to the death. In the end, they both kill each other. A very anticlimatic result, but it's saving me time.
David: "Coming down the home stretch. Time to get the last poor bastard in here."
Graphite Man appears.
CAC: "He's ugly."
David: "Yes, I know. I went through so much effort coming up with his kickass power, I forgot to include "good looks" in his bio."
CAC: "What's he do?"
David: "He can pop off the ends of his fingers and shoot sharpened pencils out of them."
CAC: "That's what you call a kickass power? Is he at least smart?"
David: "Not really. He went into business with his 'original idea,' but he bombed big time."
CAC: "What was his idea?"
David: "Flintstones Smokable Vitamins for Children."
CAC: "Ouch."
David: "Actually, the kids loved them, but the EPA got pissed."
CAC: "Maybe he'd have better luck in France."
Graphite Man: "Can you guys please stop talking about me in front of my face as if I wasn't here?"
CAC: "Right. I suppose you want to know why you are here."
Graphite Man: "I was rather curious."
CAC: "You are going to be presented with the once in a lifetime opportunity, to die."
David: "Unless you're CAC, in which case you'd get resurrected every time I get bored."
CAC: "True, but that's really not the point."
Graphite Man: "Damn, and I never got to see the remastered E.T. movie."
CAC: "I saw it. You're not missing out on much. You know how they said there was all this new stuff? There wasn't. Only one scene was changed at all."
Graphite Man: "Which one?"
CAC: "You know the part where ET goes "ET phone home"? Well, it the new version it goes: "ET phone home...and saves up to a buck or two by using 1-800-COLLECT."
Graphite Man: "Wow. Spielberg sold out. Untrustworthy bastard."
CAC: "Yeah, but that's not the point. You're here to die, not to make conversation."
Graphite Man: "Oh, you think you can just jump me and kill me, eh? Well, I've got news for you: When I got transported from my home dimension, I sent a distress signal to my teammate, The Procrastinator. He's really powerful, even though he sometimes puts things off too long, and he'll be here any moment to rescue me."
Nothing happens.
Graphite Man: "Damn. Ok, go ahead and kill me."
*bang*
Graphite Man is dead, and the saga is concluded.
CAC: "Wait, you forgot someone."
David: "Who?"
CAC: "The pope. You played him earlier in the story."
The pope appears.
David: "Oh, now this is just wrong..."
CAC: "What is? Are you having second thoughts about quitting? Are you simply not happy with the homourlessness of the tale? Did you forget to pay your taxes? Or is it just the fact that you're holding a gun to the pope's head?"
David: "Huh? Oh no, I've got no problem with the pope thing."
*bang*
The Pope is dead. Long live the Pope!
David: "What I was referring to was that we really haven't had a villian yet. Every good story needs a villian."
IF YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY, WHICH YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T, THEN TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR: WHEN THIS STORY FINALLY GETS A VILLIAN!!!
[Next time]
Deep in the depths of CAC's swamp, a small, chewed, piece of Juicy Fruit gum begins to glow. The magical gum had layed dormant since CAC choked to death on it long ago. But now it's back, and there's no telling what kind of @#%$ up @#%$ is about to happen.
*@#%$ up @#%$ happens*
See? Do ya see what I mean? And that's only the beginning.
[Back at wherever the hell David and CAC are]
John Wayne: "Hey guys, I'm back again! Though I've died several times meaninglessly, I'm back for the long haul."
*bang*
John Wayne is dead.
CAC: "Good thing he came to us, I'd forgotten all about him."
But all of a sudden, through some type of newfound psychic awareness, or some kinda @#%$ like that, CAC becomes aware of a large monster looming behind him. He turns around to see...
A GIANT BUBBLEGUM MONSTER!!!!
Y'see, that piece of Juicy Fruit that killed CAC so long ago is back, warped into a bigass monster with serious asskicking abilities.
CAC: "Uh, oh....."
David: "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN! JUST BECAUSE THAT SAME PIECE OF GUM ENDED YOUR LIFE ONCE, AND JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T REALLY STAND A CHANCE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE! Well, actually, you don't stand much of a chance...good luck."
David runs and hides behind a really big rock.
CAC remains calm, and simply puts on the Dave Matthews Band again.
CAC: "WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?"
David: "Don't drop the big one."
CAC: "YOU A MONKEY ON A STRING"
David: "Don't cut my lifeline."
CAC: "PUT A DOGGIE ON A CHAIN"
David: "Don't bite the mailman."
CAC: "WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?"
CAC starts to get all Matrix/Gladiator @#%$ on that monster's ass. He draws his trusty indestructible toaster, formally a shield, and starts to swing at it, sensing for weakspots with his Karnak power. Add the abilities to manipulate density and telekinesis, and that's one Juicy Fruit monster in deep @#%$.
CAC: "Every dog has its day, every day has its way, I think you forgot something..."
CAC and David: "MOM IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?"
The monster vanquished, David comes out of his hiding spot. All is right in the world for one brief shining moment.
Very brief.
Procrastinator: "Hi, I'm The Procrastinator. I'm responding to a distress signal from Graphite Man."
CAC: "Wow, I really didn't see that one coming...
Your friend is right over there. If you ignore the bullet in his head, he's really looking great."
At the sight of the dead Graphite Man, Procrastinator gets very pissed. Procrastinator has the ability to manipulate all inorganic molecules. Not a good guy to have angry with you.
But right as the guy was about to attack, a brightly shining deity descends from the sky.
CAC: "WRIGLEY'S!!!!!!!"
Wrigley's: "Tis I, the God of Juicy Fruit who once resurrected you CAC."
CAC: "But didn't you die?"
Wrigley's: "One as powerful as I can never truly die, just descend to a lower, more pathetic realm of existence for a while. In other words, I went to Canada."
CAC: "Poor guy."
Wrigley's: "Yes, it was rough. But when I came back, I was kinda pissed at you. Y'know, for the whole leaving me to die thing. That's why I resurrected the piece of Juicy Fruit, warping it into the evil monster you faced. But after you defeated it, I saw the error of my ways, and I've returned to save you from The Procrastinator."
CAC: "That's nice of you, to sacrifice your life to take him out."
Wrigley's: "Actually, it won't be necessary to sacrifice my life. I'm a lot more powerful than him, it shouldn't be that diffi--"
CAC: "Do it."
Wrigley's: "Fine."
Wringley's calls CAC a dirty name underneath his breath, then sacrifices his life to take out The Procrastinator.
David: "Well, that worked out well."
CAC: "I don't know, I was just starting to like that Procrastinator guy."
David: "Don't feel too sorry for him. He and Graphite Man will still be around at Spiffy's rpg. By the way, I guess this means you've survived. All the menaces have been defeated. You won't be dying after all."
CAC almost cries with tears of joy, but instead cries because he just sat down on a cactus, and it really hurt.
So, after CAC goes to a doctor and gets the cactus needles removed from his ass, David gives him a ride to the bus station. And as the 3:00 Bus to Limbo pulls up, they say their goodbyes.
David: "Goodbye CAC, I'm really gonna miss rping as you."
CAC: "I can't say the same, considering you stole 5 bucks from me."
And so, CAC gets on the one-way bus headed to Limbo, looking around to see faces such as StormJedi, Alpha Ape, and StrykerRobotica. He goes to sit down, preparing for that final journey into oblivion and disrememberance.
But then...
CAC falls down and dies.
THE END