I Know Him So Well

by L'Phantom

*Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
*Perfect situations must go wrong
*But this has never yet prevented me
*Wanting far too much for far too long
*Looking back I could have played it differently
*Won a few more moments who can tell
*But it took time to understand the man
*Now at least I know I know him well.

Natalie stared into her coffee cup at her distorted reflection. The thick brown liquid had long since turned cold, not to mention watered-down from the torrent of tears Natalie had cried into it for the past hour.

After it happened, she had taken the rest of the night off and come here. Why, she had no idea. Maybe it was because it was all she had left of him. Maybe it was out of a subconscious desire for death. Maybe it was just a good cup of coffee. For whatever reasons, Natalie had found herself in front of the Raven. And now, sitting at the bar with cold coffee and shattered dreams, she still didn't know why.

The words echoed in her mind. "I can't do this anymore, Nat." "I'm sorry, Nat." And the one that hurt the most, "Goodbye, Nat." Natalie had been so shocked that she hadn't even protested when he kissed her on the cheek one last time and walked out of the morgue and out of her life forever. That, she decided firmly, had been her mistake. She should have screamed at him, pleaded with him, begged him, *anything* that would have made him stay. She hadn't even told him she loved him.

*Wasn't it good? (Oh so good)
*Wasn't he fine? (Oh so fine)
*Isn't it madness
*He can't be mine?
*But in the end he needs a little bit more than me -- more security
*He needs his fantasy and freedom
*I know him so well

The clink of a bottle in front of her shook Natalie briefly out of her pity party. She looked up to see the bartender pouring scotch into a shot glass and placing it in front of her.

"But I didn't--" she began.

"From the lady," the bartender explained.

"What lady?" Natalie asked, but as soon as she did, she saw a flash of hair, heard the swish of a skirt next to her and looked over to see Janette taking a seat next to her.

"I thought you could use something stronger than coffee," Janette said by way of introduction.

Natalie smiled reservedly and lifted the shotglass to her lips, draining the contents. The scotch burned her throat and she welcomed the pain, as it temporarily distracted her from the other pain she felt. Natalie looked at Janette, once again resplendent in her immortality, and felt a twinge of... what? Regret? Envy? Anger?

"You know, don't you?" Natalie asked as she emptied her shotglass a second time.

"That Nichola is gone? Yes, I know."

"He's not coming back, is he?"

"I'm afraid not, dear Natalie. Let me take you home and we can talk."

Natalie shrugged and nodded, figured that the worst that would happen would be that Janette would kill her, which, at this point, was not all that unpleasant an idea.

*No-one in your life is with you constantly
*No-one is completely on your side
*And though I move my world to be with him
*Still the gap between us is too wide
*Looking back I could have played it differently
*(Looking back I could have played things some other way)
*Learned about the man before I fell
*(I was just a little careless maybe)
*But I was ever so much younger then
*(Now at least I know him well)
*Now at least I know I know him well

As Natalie was still in control of her faculties, she drove the two of them back to her place. While she drove, Janette merely stared out the window, lost in her thoughts.

Janette saw him in her mind, mortal and reckless. He was like a radiant beam of light piercing the darkness of her soul. A Crusader he was; LaCroix had liked the irony of that, a man defending his god being seduced to the darkness. Janette had instantly been enthralled by him. What was that poem about beauty? She recited it to herself, paraphrasing slightly for the change in gender. 'He walks in beauty / Like the night of cloudless climbs and starry skies / And all that's best of dark and bright / Meet in his aspect and his eyes'

Apart from what little she had gleaned from him, though, she knew nothing of him. She knew all that she needed to know, she was convinced at the time. That, she decided firmly, had been her mistake. She should have found out what kind of vampire he would make before she offered him the choice. That way, if he wouldn't be a "good" vampire, she could have just killed him. The rub there was that she couldn't have "just killed him." She loved him. And she never had the chance to tell him so.

And even though they hadn't always been together from that point on, something always kept drawing them together, even when it became obvious that she was losing him to his quest for mortality. It was that quest that finally made her leave Toronto those months ago. After centuries, she finally found the strength to leave him. Why was his leaving her so much different? She knew why. Because this time there would be no "next time;" no more "accidentally" winding up in the same city; this time, the goodbyes were forever.

*Wasn't it good? (Oh so good)
*Wasn't he fine? (Oh so fine)
*Isn't it madness
*He won't be mine?
*Didn't I know
*How it would go?
*If I knew from the start
*Why am I falling apart?

In the light of her apartment, Natalie could see the faint traces of dried blood tracks down Janette's cheeks. So she'd been crying over Nick, too. Natalie had thought that Nick would have run to Janette and the two of them would have been together. But apparently, he had said his goodbyes to her as well.

"Would you like something to drink?" Natalie began, ever so much the hostess. "I'm afraid all I have is cow. I kept it in case Nick got trapped here by the sun."

Janette tried in vain to stifle the look of disgust at cow's blood. "No, thank you."

Natalie poured herself a glass of orange juice and walked into the living area, taking a seat in her easy chair. She motioned for Janette to sit as well, and the elder-turned-fledgling gracefully sat on the edge of a couch.

"What I am about to say will hurt," Janette began delicately, "but I think you deserve to know the truth. I know you think that Nichola has moved on; started a new life somewhere else. But I have to tell you that that is not true. Nichola will not be starting another life. Ever."

Natalie laughed a short, nervous laugh. "Are you saying you think he's going to kill himself?"

"No. I am saying that he already has. Childer have links to their Masters, and my link to Nichola has dissolved."

"How?" It was the only word in Natalie's vocabulary.

"He flew east to meet the rising sun," Janette's voice managed to choke out, after a considerable pause. "He said that it was 'the only chance at mortality he got.'"

Natalie buried her face in her hands, fighting back a new wave of tears and slowly losing. The realization came to her all at once. "Oh my God, I killed him. I wanted him to fight for mortality any way he could, and, in the end, this was the only sure-fire way for him to do it." The last five words were lost in the onslaught of uncontrolled sobbing.

*Wasn't it good?
*Wasn't he fine?
*Isn't it madness
*He won't be mine?
*But in the end he needs a little bit more than me -- more security
*He needs his fantasy and freedom
*I know him so well

Janette sat on the arm of the easy chair and held Natalie while she cried. "This was not your doing, dear Natalie. Perhaps we are both to blame. Or perhaps this was bound to happen sooner or later anyway. Loved by two women, one he wanted but could not have, and the other he could have but did not want, Nichola was always torn between worlds. It was only a matter of time before it tore him apart completely."

"And now, Natalie, I offer you a choice." Natalie lifted her chin to look at Janette, who wiped the tears from Natalie's eyes much as a mother would for a daughter. "With Nichola gone, I cannot allow you to live as you are now, for I cannot look over you as he did. You may either die to this world completely, or you may be reborn as one of us. It is your choice."

Natalie thought hard. 'If I die, I could forget. If I live, I have to bear this grief for eternity. If I die, I could be plagued by something even more terrifying. If I live, I know what I'm getting into; I have all the notes and everything. If I die, I lose Nick forever. If I live, we may wind up together on the other side when it's all over.' Her next, and at first glance, most irrational, thought firmly decided the matter. 'If I die, I can never be held like this again. If I live, I could be with someone who cares for me.'

Her mind made up, Natalie's eyes widened and her mouth showed the faintest trace of a smile as she leaned up and kissed Janette, hot lips meeting cool like fire and ice.

*It took time to understand him
*I know him so well

Two pairs of vampiric eyes watched as the last of Natalie's notebooks and files caught fire and began to be broken down into smoke and ash. Natalie, cradled in Janette's arms, licked her lips and opened her mouth to speak, determined not to make the same mistake twice.

"I love you."