Off Color Jokes

Why did God create woman? 
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. 
 
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? 
The swallow 
 
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? 
Phone her. 
 
Why do women fake orgasms? 
Because they think men care. 
 
What is the definition of "making love"? 
Something a woman does while a guy is f-----g her. 
 
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? 
Slow down and use a lubricant. 
 
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? 
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak 
 
How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
None, let the bitch cook in the dark. 
 
Why does the bride always wear white? 
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and 
refrigerator.. 
 
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? 
Nothing. She's been told twice already. 
 
How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 
 
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what 
have you done wrong? 
Made her leash too long 
 
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? 
A battery has a positive side. 
 
What are the three fastest means of communication? 
1) Internet 
2) Telephone 
3) Tell a woman 
 
Why do hunters make the best lovers? 
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they 
eat what they shoot. 
 
How are fat girls and mopeds alike? 
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. 
 
How is a woman like a condom? 
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your cock. 
 
What should you give a woman who has everything? 
A man to show her how to work it. 
 
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? 
She knows she's given her last blow job. 
 
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? 
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with 
everyone at the party except you. 
 
What's the difference between your wife and your job? 
After 10 years the job still sucks. 
 
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a 
waist? 
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. 
 
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? 
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. 
 
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? 
Put a nipple on it.