Valentine's Day Jokes
TOP SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE
Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets
The babes just don't seem to go for your home-made star
trek uniform
You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders
You aren't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "newt"
Earlier today, my girlfriend was brushing on some stuff
onto her eyelashes that I never saw her wear before. I
asked her if she ever used it before, and she said that
she used it only once a year.
I asked her why, and she said, "It's my St. Valentine's
day mascara."
Worst Valentines Day Gifts To Give
a free membership to weight watchers
The "Monica" gift set; including a cigar, beret and stain remover
A ride-on vacuum cleaner - especially when she is expecting her
favorite perfume
A free consultation with Dr. Kevorkian
A Solar powered flashlight
A voucher for a free pap smear
A ten dollar gift certificate to McDonalds
Membership in Fruitcake of the month club
The same lousy present that they gave you last year that you never
opened and didn't know how to get rid of it
A guide to marital happiness from your spouse
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definatley the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!
REDNECK ODE TO HIS VALENTINE
Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new ridin' mower.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a
middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to
the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, Guess who?"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just
dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's
day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to
find a book entitled,"The Meaning of Dreams"
10 Things not to do at dinner on your Valentine's Day date:
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your
arms outstretched, and make aeroplane sounds.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
food.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.
Yawn.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.
In a similar vein,insist that he take a bite of everything
on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
10 Things women are unlikely to say:
Go ahead and leave the seat up, I don?t mind.
Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just
being friends.
I think hairy butts and backs are sexy.
Hey, did you smell that one!
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the
armpits are just too cute.
This diamond ring is way too big.
I don't want to know what you?re feeling.
Nah, Matt Damon is ugly.
Why would I want flowers on Valentine's Day?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.
10 Things woman should know about men
No, you can't have the remote control.
We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows
why this happens.
Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we
are, watching TV, playing computer games, smoking cigars
and picking out the beer.
If you must take us out shopping, never, ever leave us
alone in a lingerie store. All the old ladies make mean
faces at us and this only adds to our discomfort.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz
together.
Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about
"us" and "the relationship."
Burping and farting really do increase our mana.
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
We really don't know where the other sock is.
Short & silly:
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!
What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!
Student of Psychology
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night
and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if
I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry
if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do
you mean $200?!?!"
Last minute Valentine's Day advice
Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you
almost bought.
Don't give the same Valentine card you gave your partner
last year.
Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don't forget to wear clean underwear.
Don't tell your date you forgot your wallet again.
Don't leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates
or pet.
Don't buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's
Day.
Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.
Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant
for someone else!
Don't club baby fur seals.
UNHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
Roses are red and Violets are blue,
I didn't buy you anything
'cause to be honest,
I really don't like you.
You used to give me,
candy and sweets,
you used to dress sexy,
as a special treat.
Now all I get is a complaint
or some gripe.
I liked you much better
before you were my wife.
I once cared about who you were
and about what you thought
but now I know better
and I'll just screw your sister until I get caught.
You say I don't love you, I don't care anymore.
Well guess what? You are right....
now get outta my bed bitch,
you can sleep on the floor.
So here it is, your present this day.
It may not be special, it may not be sweet,
but it's all you're getting..
for your mother I must meet.
She e-mailed me this morn',
with something on her mind.
Then said for a dollar,
her G-spot I could find.
I hope you don't think,
I did this to be mean.
I just wanted to show you
how little you mean.
So happy V-day and all of that crap.
Have a nice life
and get to the doctor before anyone else
get's your case of the clap.
UNPOPULAR VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS
* Thinking of you sweetheart, which, technically, the
court order can't prevent.
* Just wanted to say "I love you" when I wasn't falling
down drunk.
* If only we weren't so closely related!
* Even though I'm a Bosnian Serb, You're my favorite
Croat Muslim!
* I'm too shy to ask in person, but what is that thing on
your face? A mole, a wart? WHAT????
* You're too beautiful to resist, my under-the-ether
dental patient.
* I'm more than half interested in you, my hermaphroditic
darling!
* The Medicated Shampoo Took Care of It.
* I'm Glad the Arkansas State Troopers Brought You to My
Hotel Room, Valentine!
* I'll Give You Money To Have Sex With Me.
* Just thinking of you while I am drunk and no one else
will have sex with me.
HAPPY EX-VALENTINE'S DAY
A man went to the market this last week to buy
Valentine's cards for his daughter and mother. The 50
feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He
muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for
ex-spouses."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do
have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir. They're called bullets."
EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET VALENTINE'S DAY
* The Florist couldn't find your house, did you move?
* I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.
* The Hallmark Store was closed, and I didn't want to send
less than the best.
* I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have
messed up again!
* I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for
dinner. Where were you?
* I didn't know you liked jewelry.
* I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy Day.
* Your mailman must have been shot in a Post Office
Massacre.
* I thought we would do something different this year.
* I thought it would mean I was making a commitment.
* You didn't remind me!
TOP 15 MAFIA VALENTINE'S DAY GREETINGS
15) My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
14) I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
13) Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
12) I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
11) I've waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
10) Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
9) Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
8) Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
7) The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
6) Hey.
5) Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
4) Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
3) Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2) Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won't be a self-made man.
1) When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
SIGNS YOU'VE FORGOTTEN VALENTINE'S DAY
* This topic comes as a surprise to you.
* Your wife has had a deadbolt installed on her nightgown.
* You don't remember your shower radio having a 220-volt
feeder.
* Instead of a kiss, your girlfriend greets you with a hearty kick to the groin.
* You've got a divot in your head from the new golf club your wife gave you.
* You've got a red mark on your face that bears a striking resemblance to the shape of your girlfriend's hand.
* You're so caught up in online porn that time, in general,
has no meaning whatsoever.
* You've got a high-heel sticking out of your rear end.
* Cupid flips you the bird.
* Your intern won't even TALK to you.
Sick Twisted Jokes
A poem for Bill
Roses are red
Monica is pert
It's having sex
If you squirt
Happy Valentine's Day
Screw valentines day, Hearts and roses and kisses galore.
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer.
It it definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass!
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak,
And wear all black for the rest of the week.
Girls act all sweet, but it will soon fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid!
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think love is a crock of shit.
So here's my story. . . what else can I say? Love Bites my
ass. . .
Screw Valentine's Day!
Sick and Twisted Valentine's Poems
Watch out - some of these are really pretty sick!
Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over, love
You're about to get fisted
Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cos here comes my willy
Roses are crap
Violets are shit
Sit on my face
and wiggle a bit
Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
just like your vagina
Roses are red
it's elementary
Let's call up a friend
and try double-entry
Roses are empty
Violets are hollow
Get it in your mouth, babe
And make sure you swallow
Roses make me laugh
Violets make me titter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter
LOVE QUOTES
Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him
by his friends. People fall in love with the most
appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his
pals. - Cynthia Heimel
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident,
a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding
pattern over Philadelphia. - Judith Viorst
If music be the food of love, play on. - Shakespeare
Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be. - Robert
Browning
Love is the enchanted dawn of every heart. - Lamartine
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without having
asked any clear question. - Albert Camus (1913-1960)
It's not the men in my life that count -- it's the life
in my men. - Mae West (1892-1980)
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae
Brown
At the touch of Love every one becomes a poet. - Plato
Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit
that it makes the ride worthwhile. - Sean Connery
Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden - it's
something you have to make. And you must use your
imagination too. - Joyce Cary
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
- Jerome K. Jerome
One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when
you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love
with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in
again. - Judith Viorst
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as
the brain empties. - Jules Renard
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
- Oscar Wilde
It is never too late to fall in love. - Sandy Wilson
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!
What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of
love?
A stupid cupid!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?
Desperate!
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"
Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?
What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!