Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose 
that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The 
scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as 
Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" 
last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. 
 
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a 
long time", that she was constantly talking about her 
relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have 
had his child." In a press conference this morning, God 
issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship 
existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in 
time, verily". 
 
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a 
brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation 
to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been 
broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered 
money to his illegitimate child through three foreign 
operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued 
subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as 
go-betweens in the affair. 

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little 
to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed 
to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in 
order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. 

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been 
expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of 
locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last 
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the 
cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away 
from a scandal involving whether the give-away of a parcel 
of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special 
interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. 
 
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a 
huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent 
crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments 
for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" 
plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has 
been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics 
of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for 
the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are 
planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an 
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.