The Mamogram Shuffle
For years and years they told me, 
"Be careful of your breasts- 
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, 
And give them monthly tests." 
 
So I heeded all their warnings 
and protected them by law. 
Guarded them very carefully, 
And always wore a bra. 
 
After 40 years of careful care 
The doctor found a lump. 
He ordered up a mammogram 
To look inside that clump. 
 
"Stand up very close," she said, 
As she got my breast in line. 
"And tell me when it hurts," she said 
"Ah yes! There! That's just fine." 
 
She stepped upon a pedal, 
I could not believe my eyes! 
A plastic plate was pressing down, 
My boob was in a vise! 
 
My skin was stretched and stretched 
From way up by my chin. 
My poor breast was being squashed 
To Swedish Pancake thin! 
 
Excruciating pain I felt, 
Within its viselike grip. 
A prisoner in this vicious thing, 
My poor defenseless tit. 
"Take a deep breath," she said to me. 
Who does she think she's kidding? 
My chest is smashed in her machine, 
I can't breath and weary I am getting. 
 
"There, that was good," I heard her say, 
as the room was swaying. 
"Now let's get the other one." 
"Lord have mercy," I was praying. 
 
It squeezed me from the up and down, 
It squeezed me from both sides. 
I'll bet she's never had this done 
To her tender little hide! 
 
If I had no problem when I came in, 
I surely have one now. 
If there had been a cyst in there, 
It would have popped by now. 
 
This machine was made by man, 
Of this I have no doubt! 
I'd like to get his balls in there 
And listen to him shout!!!!!!!!