We all live in an Answering Machine... 
 
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll 
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as 
we're finished. 

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why 
we're not here. So leave a message. 

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent 
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you 
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough 
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a 
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 

Hi. Now you say something. 

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you 
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? 

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his 
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your 
message to myself with one of these magnets. 

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just 
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. 
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, 
just hold it up to the phone. 

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving 
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, 
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their 
office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still 
with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to 
you. 

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic 
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your 
name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach 
you, and I'll think about returning your call. 

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't 
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back ... it's 
you. 

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right 
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call 
you back. 

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our 
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we 
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. 

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel 
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and 
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you 
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a 
message. 

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain 
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by 
us. 

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone 
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya 
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... 
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing 
our teeth, we'll get back to you.