For the Coffee Drinkers
 
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN... You answer the door 
before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski 
uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed 
walk in your sleep. "" You haven't blinked since the last lunar 
eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to 
knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your 
eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time 
you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture 
of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your 
coffeepot clean. "" You're the employee of the month at the local 
coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third 
pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 
You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific 
calculator to take your pulse. "" You're so jittery that people use 
your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per 
minute... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. 
Cocaine is a downer. "". You don't need a hammer to pound nails. "&" 
You don't sweat, you percolate. & 1/2 by the barrel. You've worn out 
the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the 
free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you 
realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before 
eating them. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've 
built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get 
dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee 
table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns 
the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could 
drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. People 
can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount 
to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf 
faster without a remote. """" You want to be cremated just so you can 
spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as 
a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday 
in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go 
to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. "" to mean 
beer. """" You get drunk just so you can sober up. You speak perfect 
Arabic without ever taking a lesson. Your Thermos is on wheels. Your 
lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a 
picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the 
Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a 
conniption over spilled milk. You don't even wait for the water to 
boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. "" 
is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get 
steamed. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, 
coffee during and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic 
music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't 
even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You 
soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by 
Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. "" 
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.