MADAME LOUISE

Greetings! I am Madams Louise, Psychic. I offer these visions of the future not to frighten or dismay, but to warn and instruct. The future is not written! It can be changed!

My method for seeing the future is simple: several hours a day spent in intense meditation aided by water, milk, and wet. Sometimes dry can be useful.

Prediction #1:

4553:

In the year 4553, cat and humankind will witness the death of our Sun.

The death will be preceeded by massive solar flares emitting powerful solar winds that will engulf and sterilize the Earth (and all life upon it).

The Sun will eventually collapse upon itself, retreating into a super-dense "white dwarf," and it will draw in and obliterate our planet.

There is good news, though. We will not have to worry about this horrible catastrophe (or, as I like to say, CATastrophe) because of "Prediction #2".

Prediction #2:

3420:

In the year 3420, cat and humankind will witness the rise of the Third Anti-Christ. His name will be "Stuart" and he will be quite formidable.

His insane demands will prove impossible to meet, and all life will be extinguished in a flaming holocaust that lasts fifty years.

Lucky for us, though, we will never see such a horrible time as that! Indeed, these events would pass...if not for my next prediction.

Prediction #3:

2987:

In the year 2987, a horrible virus will escape from Africa. Being airborne, the virus quickly spreads across all of the Earth.

Affecting both cat and human alike, this bizarre strain of the Ebola virus wipes out all life on Earth in thirty days. (What a gruesome scene of blood-spurting hemorrhages!)

Prediction #4:

2512:

In the year 2512, a series of volcanic eruptions will cover the Earth and its atmosphere in a blanket of ash.

The upper atmosphere will become inpenetrable to sunlight, and all life that did not perish in the intial sulfuric fallout will die in the freezing cold.

While this is a wretched fate for life on Earth, it will not come to pass. My final prediction tells how.

Prediction #5:

2003:

In the year 2003, the Earth's warming trend will melt sufficient amounts of the polar ice caps to disturb the flow of wind (and weather) on Earth.

A massive storm will form over the North Pole (now melted into a huge lake) that will eventually push freezing arctic air down over the rest of the globe.

The storm will last long enough to usher in a new ice age that will last several millions of years.

Of course, all cats and people will die.