"Smells Like Holy Spirit: Jesus Christs' Second Adventure" (an act of madness by Joseph C. Hinson)  
         It had been a long time coming and everyone in Heaven knew it--St. Peter, Moses, Mary and Joseph and, of course, the Father.  They all knew that Jesus, the best known of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, was becoming increasingly disenchanted with the daily goings-on in Heaven.  It wasn’t that He no longer believed.  Rather, he was simply upset with the constant bickering between the different denominations, most recently with the Southern Baptists and Roman Catholics.  He found it hard to believe they could not get along even in the Afterlife.
         One day, Jesus told His Father what He wanted to do.  “I want it to be like it was in the old days, you know, the Disciples and me going from town to town.  That’s where I’ve always felt most alive.”
         God nodded thoughtfully while rubbing his chin absently.
        “Perhaps you are correct,” He said after what seemed to Jesus to last an eternity.  “Peter and John the Baptist can carry more of the work load while you are away.  Do what you feel you must.”
         “Thank you, Father,” Jesus said, rising to His feet.  “Thank you.”
         “One thing though.”
         “Anything, Father.But You already know that.”
         “Write home to your mother while you’re away.  You know how she worries.”

         And so it was, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and ninety seven, Jesus Christ returned to the land He so much had missed.  There was little fanfare, and for that He was thankful for He wished to blend in with the people most of all, if only for a little while.
         However, two fishermen, who had obviously partaken of the bottle a little too much, witnessed His descension and repented on sight.
         “Jesus Christ!” one of the two exclaimed.
         “Yes.”
         “You’ll have to forgive Bubba,” the other one said.  “He gets a little carried away sometimes.  Why, you shoulda seen him at the Hank Williams, Jr. concert few years back.”
         “I did,” Jesus reminded them.
         “Oh."  This seemed to stump the fisherman for a moment before he recovered.  "Say, Jesus, have ‘ya done any fishin’ lately?”
         “No, I can’t say that I have.”
         “Well, grab a pole and come on.”
         Jesus held out His hand and a fishing pole materialized.
         “Holy cow,” Bubba remarked.
         “It’s nothing,” Jesus said.  “I could show you how to do it.  But I’d have to kill you.”
         Bubba’s eyes grew large.  The other fisherman laughed nervously.
         “Relax,” Jesus said.  “I’m joking,” laughing a little too much over what He had said.
         And so it was, Jesus and the two brothers fishing.  They swapped fishing stories and, by the end of the day, had caught so many fish, they had to throw most of them back just so they could paddle back to the shore.  Both fishermen were amazed when the fish swam away, despite having been in the hot sun for most of the time.
         “Let them be caught another day,” Jesus said to no one in particular.
         “Where to, Jesus?” Bubba asked.  “We’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”  He was obviously delighted at the prospect of having Jesus ride in his beat-up pick up.  Wait ‘til they told their buddies at the mill about this!
         “I don’t know where I want to go,” He said with a trace of sadness.  “Eventually, I would like to go out to California.  I understand they need a lot of help out there.”
 
         A few days later found the Messiah walking along a lonesome country road.  The sun was hot and made His hair stick to the back of His neck.  He had been walking so long that His sandals were rubbing His feet raw.  It was almost enough to make Him take His own name in vain.
         At about that time a car appeared over a hill in the distance and pulled to a stop beside Jesus.  “Cool outfit, dude,” the driver, a blonde, said.  “Who do you think you are?  Some sort of biblical character or something?”
         “Well, yeah, I do.”  As He said this, the girls knew He was speaking the truth.  “Hey, aren’t you going to offer a hot, tired and bothered Jesus a lift?”
         “Sure.  Hop in the back,” the driver said.  “It’s not every day we see the Messiah hitching around here.  There hasn’t been much Christianity down here in the Bible Belt lately.  First, it was the PTL thing a few years ago and now those damn Southern Baptists...  Oh, forgive me, Lord.  I didn’t mean to cuss.”
         “That’s all right,” Jesus said.  “I understand how you feel.  Believe me, I understand exactly how you feel about that.  That's one of the debates we've been getting into lately up in Heaven.”
         The passenger spoke for the first time.  “Did you really tell them to boycott Disney, Jesus?”
         “They didn’t ask for our advice on that one.  I was hoping that was obvious.”
         There was a moment of silence.
         “Where are you going, Jesus?”
         “I’m just hanging loose, you know, just taking as it comes.  What did you say your names were again?”  He knew what there names were, of course.
         “I’m Kerri,” the driver said.  “And this is my friend, Amanda.”
         “It’s nice to meet you.  You can call me Jesus.”
         Kerri looked down at the speedometer and saw that she was doing almost 80.  Somehow, with Him in the car, she knew they were safe.
         Amanda, meanwhile, was flipping through the radio dial trying to find a good song.  She stopped when she got to a gospel station.
         “Isn’t there anything else on?  I’ve heard those songs a billion times already,” he said.  “What kind of music do you girls listen to?”
         “We listen to anything,” Amanda said.
         “Anything ‘cept country,” Kerri chimed in, chuckling.
         “I don’t even listen to country,” Jesus said.  “Or much Rush Limbaugh, for that matter.”
         Amanda found a classic rock station playing Eric Clapton’s "Bad Love” and left it there.  Jesus wondered if there was a better guitarist anywhere.  He seriously doubted it.
         They rode in silence until they came to the outskirts of Charlotte.  The wind felt good blowing in His face; indeed, it was a heavenly feeling.  Jesus sighed with relief when He saw that there was not a crowd waiting for Him.  He had had some bad experiences like that in the past and He did not want to go through that again.
         “We’re going to the mall and then grab a bite to eat before going clubbing.  But first we have to run by my apartment.  Do you wanna tag along?”
         “Sure.  I have nothing but time.”

         The girls were amazed at how easy going Jesus was.  All the teachings in Sunday School made Him out to be this boring man out to change the world or something.  But here He was sitting across the table from them eating a salad!
         No one seemed to be paying much attention to Jesus and the girls.  Charlotte was a big enough city for all types and they assumed He was just another young man searching for his own identify by dressing differently.  At the club, however, people noticed Him!
         “No cover for you, dude,” the bouncer said.  “Just don’t make a scene, man.  We’re a legit operation here.”
         “Jesus Christ, can’t I have a night out once and a while!?” Jesus asked as He held the door open for the girls to enter.
         All eyes were on Jesus as He walked on.  Everyone stopped dancing, the lights came on and the song that had been blasting (Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus”) came to a quick halt.  A few members of the local Baptist Student Association began weeping openly and two Catholic girls began saying their Hail Mary’s.
         “There will be none of the that here tonight,” Jesus said in a voice that was both stern and comforting.  “Tonight, I’m here for the dancing.”  There was a collective sigh of relief throughout the club as the lights went down and the music came up once more.
         Jesus mingled for the better part of the night, sometimes dancing, sometimes standing along the wall, but always asking people about themselves, getting to know them better.  A few people were forthcoming with fashion tips, though most everyone agreed that the general look was good enough left alone.  One of the Catholic girls pulled His hair back into a ponytail and He agreed that it looked, and felt, much better.  Another person suggested that He begin wearing an earring.  He said He would consider it.
         Later that night, Jesus was standing outside with Kerri and Amanda.  “All in all, I must say that it’s been a good few days back.  I want to thank the two of you for the ride this afternoon and then tonight.  It was fun.  Definitely what I needed.”
         They hugged and said their farewells, then Jesus turned and walked to the Charlotte sky line.  As He walked away, the girls felt sorry for Him in some way.  He was alone, they thought, in a world that hardly knew him anymore, a world that thought it didn’t need Him.

         Jesus spent a few nights going from homeless shelter to homeless shelter.  He felt such empathy for these men, women and children whose lives had taken such drastic turns.  A few of the street people were unbelievers who had long since given up hope that anyone could help them now.  Most of them, however, were former Christians who had lost faith at some point during their lives.  Jesus held an informal service and prayed with them.  Soon, a few of the multitude began getting jobs and eventually were able to move into low-income housing.
         As for Jesus, he went back to his first love--carpentry.  He moved into a small house in the country and ran a small, one-man operation from there.  The logo on the side of his beat-up Ford pick-up said it best: “No one does it better.”
         He made quick friends who would occasionally come to his house  to watch Braves baseball.  Yet, He felt there was something missing.  He had been teaching Sunday School at a small, non-denominational church, but He still felt He needed to reach more people.  One day, He was messing around with an acoustic guitar when His friend, Gene, happened up.  “Jesus, that’s good!” the man said.  “You should go professional.”
         The seed was sown.  All of His free time was spent writing and playing songs.  He enlisted the help of some church members to record a demo.  Sharon Jenkins, the grandmotherly 62 year old pianist played on more than half of the tracks.  Her grandson, Billy, played drums and his high school friend played bass.  Some of the choir sand backing vocals while Jesus sang lead and played all the guitar parts.
         He sent out copies to all the major record companies and prayed that something would work out.  Sure enough, not three weeks later, a rep from Sony called.  Then, it was someone from Geffen, then Island.  A bidding war ensued, and Jesus chose to sign with Island, the record company U2 had been on since they were signed.  A meeting with Bono and The Edge convinced Him it was the best move.  He moved to Los Angeles to begin recording.
         The word that Jesus was recording an album spread quickly.  The industry was abuzz with rumors.  What kind of music would He make?  And could he compete with chart-toppers like LeAnne Rimes, Matchbox 20 and The Wallflowers?
         Jesus was amazed at how some of rock’s legends and young guns offered to help with recording the album.  Brian Eno and Flood co-produced many of the tracks, including “Waiting For The Son,” a song Jesus co-wrote and performed with Bono and The Edge.  Darius Rucker sang and played acoustic guitar on one track.  Puff Daddy mixed a couple of tracks, including a version of The Police classic, "Invisible Sun," which ultimately did not make it onto the CD..  George Harrison, Jeff Lynne and Tom Petty played on another.  But the biggest surprise of all was the final track, “All For You,” where Harrison reunited with Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr for the first time since the “Anthology” series.  Other guests included Don Henley, Johnny Cash and Jewel.
         Finally, after months of hype, the self-titled album was released to rave reviews.  Virtually every radio station in the country put “Travelin’ Messiah” in heavy rotation and it quickly knocked Elton John’s “Candle In The Wind 97” out of Billboard’s number one slot.  A Rolling Stone cover came next and included an in-depth article by Chris Heath.
 “Why now, Jesus?” the question came.  “You’ve been away for many years.  Your nay-sayers are saying you can’t make a comeback after being away for so long.”
         “I think people still need to hear what I have to say.  You know, when I was with the Disciples, we were very popular there for a time.  The Beatles came close in their day and they had more hit songs, but my message has lasted through the centuries.  And then, I was with the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost and we caused quite a stir.  I believe my audience will still be there.”
         Then, Jesus and his new band, the Jesus Christ Posse performed “You Can Talk To Me” and a new song, “Mysterious Ways,” together live on “The Tonight Show.”  He even hosted “Saturday Night Live” and was part of a hilarious skit with Phil Hartman, who made a cameo.  On the strength of those appearances, the album hit number one, knocking the Spice Girls out of that much-coveted spot.  The Posse soon began touring the country, selling out arenas from the Bible Belt to California.
         It was impossible to pick up a magazine or turn on the television without seeing something about Him.  The tabloids began carrying stories claiming The Savior was nothing more than a hoax or an alien from outer space.  Other rumors that also proved false had Christ dating.  “The word is He’s seeing Barbara Streisand.”  “I saw Him having dinner with Jodie Foster.”
         He also did the talk-show circuit.  The most memorable of these was when He appeared on “Politically Incorrect” with Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Deepak Chopra.  There was a heated exchange when Robertson seemed to indicate that God was choose him to take the place of Jesus in Heaven.  Jesus simply rolled His eyes as Bill Maher cut to a commercial.  When it came back on, Robertson was not on stage, having stormed off the set during the break.
         There was also His cameo during an episode of "Touched By An Angel," which became the most watched televison even in history.
         His detractors said His popularity was only a passing fad, much like electronica or acid-washed jeans, but with the release of His second album, Cool Testament, Jesus proved them all wrong.  It sold two million copies in its first week of release and speculation began about it being the one to oust Thriller out of the best-selling album of all time.
         The Jesus Christ Posse then embarked on a massive world tour, outselling recent treks by the U2 and the Stones by plenty.  People lined up for hours in hopes of getting tickets or a glimpse of the man they had only read about in dusty old books.  The t-shirts always sold out quickly with slogans such as “Jesus: Rock of Ages” or “King of Rock.”  And they sang along on every track, especially the encore of “Jesus Is My Rock And He Rolls My Blues Away,” which always brought the house down.
         Jesus, meanwhile, sent of all His earnings to various charities around the world.  Ministries were set up in such diverse areas as South Central L.A. and drought-stricken Ethiopia.  All of His spare time was spent helping the less fortunate and the results soon began to show through.  Gang-related crime dropped all over the country.  The murder rate dropped significantly in Washington, DC and New York City.  Racial barriers became less significant.  Even Democrats and Republicans, most of them anyway, began to show signs of meaningful communication.
         And then it happened.  He was appearing on “Larry King Live” when a caller said that Jesus would make a good president.
         “What do you say, Jesus?  Would you consider running?” King asked.
         “I appreciate your vote of faith, but as you know, I am not a U.S. citizen.  It’s an interesting thought, but an impossible one I’m afraid.”
         Within days, a “Jesus For President” drive started in all fifty states.  Congress quickly passed an amendment that would allow Jesus to run, should He choose.  Finally, after a week of intense media speculation, Jesus held a press conference and announced He was taking himself out consideration for the presidency.
         “Why?” came the cries from the on-lookers.
         “There are many things to consider.  First, you must think about the separation of church and state, something I believe in with all my heart.  Secondly, there is the good of the country involved.  I do not believe I am best suited for the position, what with all the time I must spend answering prayers and performing.  I believe that Christianity is infinitely more important in the long run than who wins this election.  I appreciate that so many people have expressed an interest in me running for president.  However, this is one prayer I cannot make come true under any circumstance.
         “I would like to make myself clear on another thing.  My Father and I are not that interested in your politics at all.  We’ve tried to tell this to William Bennett and Dan Quayle, but they seem to only hear what they want to hear.  It saddens us geatly when our good name is used to propogate the carrers of politcians who don’t truly have the Word of God on their hearts.  And this happens more than I would care to mention.
         “In conclusion, let me add that I hope you vote in this, and all elections, with the good of your country and world in mind, and worship us with faith, hope and, most of all, love in your heart.  Thank you.  We bless you all.”

         Jesus slipped out of sight for a few days to do some soul-searching deep within the Appalachian Mountains.  He had never planned anything like this to happen.  All He really wanted had been to spend some time away from Heaven to do some thinking on what had become of His Father’s dream.  The music was fine to a certain degree.  Until the media hype surrounding Him reached new levels of absurdity, but the election was another matter.  Jesus For President?  He didn’t think so.
         Suddenly, He became aware of another presence.  As deep as He had traveled into the woods, He doubted it could be another person.  An animal?  No, the presence was too powerful...  And then He knew what it is.
         “I never expected to see you here,” He said, as He turned toward the presence behind him.  Sure enough, it was The Devil.  But he looked different, Jesus thought.  He looked, well, less devilish and more human.  Gone were the pitchfork and pointy head.  Instead, The Devil wore blue jeans and a leather jacket.  His black hair was cut close with just an inch or so falling over his collar.  He wore dark black-tinted sunglasses, presumably to hide the fire burning within his eyes.
         “Where are your fleet of jets and cars and all of the servants at your beck-and-call?”
         “Ah, come on, J.C.  After all of this time, are you still going holding a grudge on me?”
         “I don’t know if you could call it a grudge.  Then again, it does help our causes for us not to get along, doesn’t it?”
         “I suppose you’re right.  But then you should be.  You’re Christ, right?”
         “You want something.  Am I right?  I’ll listen to what you have to say.  It’s only fair I guess”
         “We need to talk, J.C.”
         “About what?”
         Lucifer could tell that Jesus was a little apprehensive, but considering their history, it was understandable.  “Can we go somewhere to get a bite to eat?  I’m famished.  A long night last night, you know.  I’m not as young as I used to be.”
         They walked a narrow path and ultimately came to an open spot.  There was a stretch Mercedes waiting there and a driver, a tall blonde.  She opened the door for Jesus and closed it after The Devil had slid in beside him.
         “What is this all about?” Jesus asked as the car began to creep down the winding mountain road.
         “Relax a little, man.  Christ, you look so tense!  Can I offer you a drink?  Scotch and water?  Vodka perhaps?”
         “There you go again tempting me already.”  Jesus said with a hint of a smile forming at the side of His mouth.
         “You honestly don’t know me, do you?” Lucifer asked, mixing himself a screwdriver.  “Well, we’ll talk more later.  Where do you feel like eating?  Rome?  Paris?  London?  Ursula can get us anywhere in no time.  Literally.  We could always go back in time somewhere.”
         “I’ll let you decide,” Jesus said.  He wasn’t sure why, but the uneasiness He had initially felt had begun to fade away.  He knew He could never be fully at ease with His long-time nemesis, however; with Satan, you never knew what to expect.  He often worked in strange and mysterious ways.
         Within a few minutes, they were seated in a corner of one of Rome’s finest restaurants so they would not be interrupted if anyone saw and recognized them.
         “So, Satan, tell me what’s on your mind,” Jesus said after they had finished with their meals.
         “I think you already know.  It’s the same thing that made you leave Heaven.  I don’t know really.  I mean, how to put it into words.  Maybe I’ve lost faith in what I was doing.”  He stopped speaking, thinking Jesus wanted to say something.  Jesus only nodded slowly, as if taking in what The Devil was saying.
         “It all seems so useless to me now,” he continued.  “Does anything we really do matter?  All this competition we have going on, trying to win souls, to convert people to out side, none of that really matters.  They’re going to make up their own minds in their own ways, in their own time.  Am I right about this?  We can try all we want, but we both know we’re not going to change their minds.  I mean, if Marylin Manson can’t do more than he has for me and Billy Graham can’t do more than he has for you...”
         “Hey, don’t bring Billy Graham into this.  He’s a good man.”
         “Exactly,” Satan said.  “That’s the point I’m trying to make.”
         “I don’t really know what I think about that anymore,” Jesus confessed.  “I’d like to think that it’s not a lost cause.  But deep down, I’d have to say that I probably agree with you.”
         “And now we have all of these dead rock stars trying to turn the place into some Oliver Stone movie or something.  Last week, Morrison went as far to say that he would take over for me someday.  And we used to be pretty good friends when he first got there.  I gave him his voice back.
         “And Hoover, Hoover’s got his own little intelligence agency going down there with his FBI and CIA buddies Guy Bannister and David Ferrie.  He’s blackmailing me.  Can you believe that?  It’s like some kind of conspiracy against me or something.  Christ, they’re giving me hell, man!”
         He stopped talking as an attractive young waitress refilled their glasses.  Jesus saw how he was looking at the girl, smiling and winking, all the while looking at her through those red eyes that He knew could see through any fabric.
         Yet, there was a sincerity in Satan that Jesus had never recognized before.  And He knew what The Devil was talking about, remembering His own problems with recent takeover attempts in Heaven by the Catholics, then the Southern Baptists.  But he was unsure whether or not he could trust The Devil or not.  For all He knew, it could be one of Lucifer’s dirty tricks.
         “Aren’t you going to say anything, Jesus?”
         “What do you want me to say?  Do you want me to embrace you with open arms or something?  A lot has happened between us over the years, Satan.  Too much, maybe.”
         “But can’t you see?  What we’re doing is useless.  We’re not making a difference.  Look around you, Spaceman!  People don’t care anymore.  They walk around in their own little words, not caring about anything or anyone except themselves and sometimes not even that.  All the violence, the drugs and the alcohol, the governmental scandals, it’s turning people into uncaring robots.  By the time they leave this world, they don’t care where they’re going.  Just that they’re leaving this world is fine by them.”
         Jesus wanted to tell him He was wrong.  He wanted to say that good always conquered evil.  But deep down, He knew that Satan was right.  He knew that the battle should not be over people’s souls, but in helping them overcome the man hurdles they face all the time.  Not only on an individual basis, but an earthly basis as well.
         “I never thought I’d agree with you,” Jesus finally said.  “But I think you might be right.  All this time, the problem hasn’t been Heaven or Hell.  And it wasn’t with you or me.  It was in the way we react to humans and the way they act towards each other.  The whole concept needs work.  It’s time we admit that we don’t have all the answers.”
         They sat in silence for a long time each considering the weight of what had been said.  The future of manhood, the universe, was in the balance.  The slate would be wiped clean.

         A press conference was called.  The media wondered if Jesus was going to throw his hat back into the political arena.  Why else would He call a press conference?
         Finally, He entered the room.  But He was not alone.  Beside Him was a man no one recognized.  He wore jeans, a leather jacket and sunglasses.  Somehow, each reporter knew that they were about to witness something historic.  Jesus and the mystery man.  Jesus took the microphone and called for everyone’s attention...