God Strikes South Carolina Dead
Says He Warned Lawmakers Not to Approve the Lottery
by Joseph C. Hinson
January 7, 2002

Shortly after zapping the state of South Carolina off the map, God held an impromptu press conference from His garden on Monday. "It is with a heavy heart that I announce the destruction of South Carolina this afternoon," God said, reading from a prepared statement. "They were warned months ago, however, that these actions could very well happen if they went forth with the proposed lottery. As such, I had no choice but to eliminate them."

Hailed as a victory for the morally upright as well as gambling addicts, this should be a warning to other states that their future may be in peril as well. "My next warning has been sent to the town of Marion, Arkansas. Do not approve the proposition to allow beer and wine sales on Sundays," God said ominously. "That's all I have to say about that." He then gathered his papers and left for the big white church on the hill flanked by his Disciples.

The Savior did express remorse at having to do away with Hilton Head. "I loved the golf there. But I am God; I can't go back on My Word. That would make me look weak and vindictive, like that special 9/11 version of 'Silent Night.'"

Sources close to the Supreme Being say that He was in meetings up until the end. Speaking anonymously, one follower said, "He was up all night waiting for the leaders of South Carolina to come to Him asking for repentance. Since it never came, God struck them down."

Witnesses to the event say it was fast and lethal. "I was just o'er the state line in North Carelinuh," one truck driver said, "when I looked up from my CB radio and saw the Hands of God out stretched like He was reaching for a baby or sumpin. Next thang I knew, lightin' bolts came out from His Hands and incinerated the whole dern state. I'm just glad I didn't have to go down yander again no time soon."

Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell reacted with glee when they heard the news. "This is a good day for God, me and all our people," Falwell said from a local cafeteria where he was eating his second breakfast of the day. "Eventually, I'd like to see him strike down all the pornographers, the abortionists and other Democrats."

Robertson agreed. "Our God is a just God; He's vengeful and He looks good in a tux. This will teach the heathens and the liberals that we will kick their ass afterall."

God could not be reached for comment. His appointment secretary indicated He was in golfing at Pebble Beach.

Transcript of WIS-TV Coverage of the Blizzard of 2000
"Holy fuck! It's snowing!"

Dawn Mercer: Yes, David. I'm standing right outside and it's snowing ... still snowing. It's really something.
David Stanton: Thanks for the update, Dawn. Is the snow cold?
Dawn Mercer: Yes, David. The snow is cold ... and white ... and ice is slippery.
David Stanton: I see some cars driving by in the background...
Dawn Mercer: Yes, David. Some people are driving by. The roads are slippery, so they're driving kind of slow.
David Stanton: They're driving slow?
Dawn Mercer: Yes, David. They're driving slow. People are driving slow because ice is slippery.
David Stanton: Thank you, Dawn. And thank you for all the extra hours you've put in this week ... you and every single WIS employee who is working 36 hours a day to answer phone calls from people who are freaked out by the snow. You are truly dedicated. I am also pretty wonderful. Now ... over to Ken Aucoin, who is about to pee in his pants, he's so excited about the snow.
Ken Aucoin: Thanks, David. In the two and a half minutes since my last report, more snow has fallen.
David Stanton: More snow, Ken?
Ken Aucoin: Yes, David. It continues to snow. But, not to worry, we'll continue to update our viewers on this treacherous natural disaster every three or four minutes or so.
David Stanton: Thank you, Ken. Is it true that snow is cold and wet and white and that people should drive carefully?
Ken Aucoin: That's right, David. As you can see from this live footage of the one car driving down I-26, it's pretty bad out there.
David Stanton: Okay... thanks, Ken. In a moment, we'll go live to Joe Pinner, who has been called out of retirement to annoy passers by at the local Piggly Wiggly... but FIRST... we go live to the Greyhound bus terminal where Mayor Bob Guilliani is serving biscuits to weary travelers who have been stranded at least two blocks from a restaurant...
 

George Seifert Resigns as Panthers Coach
"My Job Is Complete"

CHARLOTTE: Carolina Panthers coach George Seifert announced his resignation today at a news conference held at the NFL teams Charlotte, North Carolina stadium. "I have had a  good run here as coach, but I feel my job is done. I took over a decidedly mediocre team in 1999. We won half our games the first season, then went 7 and 9 last year.

"But this year was our best year yet. We won our first game, but I knew we could do worse than that. I was proven right when we lost the next fifteen games. By taking an average team and turning them into the one of the worst teams of all time in three short years is not an easy accomplishment. I'm proud of what we did here. Now is time to move on."

The move did not surprise many who follow the team. 1110 WBT sports host Gerry Vallancort said, "A lot of people were surprised when he came here. He had the best winning percentage of active coaches. No one really thought he could make this team stink as bad they do. But he did. We were all wrong."

"I have no regrets coming back into coaching," Seifert said. "The support group here is as great as any place.  "This is a great job, and guys should be banging down the doors trying to get this job. The ownership here has the strongest commitment to losing and losing bad that I have ever witnessed."

Team owner Jerry Richardson said Seifert will be missed. "We wish him well. But now it's time for the team to move on. We're looking to be mediocre again as soon as we can. Next year, I think there is a real chance we can win four to five games. After that, it's 8 and 8 for the foreseeable future."

Richardson said he has no timetable to name a replacement and declined to say whether he is considering Steve Spurrier, who said Friday he is leaving the University of Florida to pursue an NFL job.

Vallancort doesn't think Spurrier will bring his visor to Charlotte anytime soon. "Steve Spurrier is a proven winner. He's not a good fit for Charlotte. It could be that he would win nine, maybe ten games one year. The ownership of the Panthers have said time and time again they're not looking to win, they're just looking to not lose."

"There are many factors to consider when putting together a team," Richardson said in a telephone conference call from his below ground office on Monday. "First, you have to think about the people sipping on their wine and nibbling their cheese in the luxury box seats. These people don't want to see a lot of excitement on the field. It gets in the way of their business meetings. Then there are the people carrying on cell phone conversations. The last thing these people need is a lot of cheering and excitement from the crowd. These things will all be considered before we bring a new coach to Carolina."

At Bubba's Baby Backs and Beer, local fans were ecstatic. "To have the chance to be average again is the best gift Santa Claus could have given," Bubba said. "That and a season full of beer and hookers!"

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