Jesse Jackson to Mediate Ongoing Van Halen Peace Talks

Jesse Jackson To Act As Mediator in Ongoing Van Halen Peace Talks
by Joseph Van Hinson
April 24, 2002

Following an impassioned plea by Kurt Loder, the Reverend Jesse Jackson has agreed to a series of sit down meetings between sparring factions of the original Van Halen heavy metal band. "Clearly something must be done," Jackson said on Tuesday afternoon. "Petty squabbles represent moral exhaustion, intellectual bankruptcy. When there are no thoughts left, when there's no hope left, we fight to reflect our lack of vision," he said. "We must have peace in Van Halen in our lifetime," he added.

In the modern world of rock music, many bands have been labeled the next Van Halen. Van Halen was the first Van Halen as shrieking teenagers and young adults in the 70s and 80s flocked to their show for a glimpse of David Lee Roth's spandex pants.

"We must continue to condemn the invasion of our airwaves with teenybopper pollution. It is a clear violation of human rights and moral dignity. Likewise, we must continue to call for the withdrawal of Justin Timberlake from Britney Spear's pants. We must also resolve to rid the world of all copies of the CD Van Halen did with That Guy From Extreme. Only then can the healing begin."

Jesse Jackson says unity can exist between the Van Halen brothers, the guy who plays bass and David Lee Roth.

Sammy Hagar commented on the new developments from his Cabo Wabo club. "Dude, I have moved on. That time in my life is over. I may look exactly like I did in 1985 with the same hair style and same clothes, but I am a different dude from who I was then, dude." He went on to wish original frontman David Lee Roth well. "It was like sleeping with the enemy. For all those years, I listened to how bad it was with Dave. But I only got one side of the story, man. It was like sleeping with a beautiful woman for several months, dude, then finding out she's a crazy whore-ass bitch and all your friends were right." He added that he has no hard feelings, aside from being replaced in the band by That Guy From Extreme.

The meeting, which is set to take place at a "neutral location" known only to the principles, is "all the more urgent," according to Jackson, since the grunge movement has petered out. "Young, white kids need to get their rocks off," Jackson said. "And who better to do it but a quartet of white guys who must be in their 50s?" An added bonus, according to Jackson, is that young, white kids will no longer buy Ice Cube CDs and call each other "dogs."

Insiders suggest that a recent truce between Roth and the three original Van Halen members is a good sign. "It's also a nice start when Eddie doesn't grimace and moan in pain when an interviewer mentions the Roth-era," said a source close to the events who wished to remain anonymous. "A press blackout was agreed to by both factions. Said the source, "Can you imagine how hard it is for Dave not to talk to a member of the press? At this point in his career, he's just amazed when a member of the press will return his phone calls."

Eddie Van Halen in the late 70s.

Six years ago the Van Halen peace process had it's best chance for success. Roth, the Van Halen brothers and the bass player appeared together on MTV behind alternative-guru Beck, whom looked a little confused. Furthermore, two new songs had been recorded with the wild man for a greatest hits compilation that was already heavy on Roth-era riffs.

Rocky Rackteer, a professor of sociology at Berkley University and avid fan of Van Halen, said, "It was in this instant that the best hope of a full-fledged reunion between the boys existed. The world could have been a much more peaceful, happy place with the relaxed tensions in the Van Halen camp. However, new misunderstandings, rumors, innuendo and That Guy From Extreme stood in the way." There would be no reunion. Within a few years, a new CD would be recorded with That Guy From Extreme though no one would buy it and radio wouldn't touch it. That Guy From Extreme eventually left Van Halen under mysterious circumstances.

However, a new development has emerged in recent months. With classic Van Halen CDs from the Roth and Hagar eras finding their way into the bargain bins, both factions are moving closer to a lasting peace. Bruno Gregory, a thirty-three old college student said, "My sister knows a guy who once went to jail with the dude that sold Dave his weed. She said that this dude she knows said that Dave's source told him that Dave has been in a good mood lately. I think we know what's up."

Gregory has fond memories of the original Van Halen. "Dude, I got drunk, smoked a little weed and lost my virginity listening to 'Runnin' With the Devil.' Sweet William was Big Bad Bill that night, if you know what I mean."

Such sentiments were common when the Jackson/Van Halen peace talks were announced. Stacie Sims, a 24 year old assistant manager at the Columbia, SC Kripsy Kreme said, "My brother has a friend who once partied with David Roth. That was a long time ago though. Are those guys even still alive?"

Rackteer speculated that a reunion tour would be good for everybody. "Can you imagine the sense of oneness and the sense of community at an outdoor concert featuring Roth's wild stage antics, Eddie's flaming virtuoso guitar licks, the flashing but stable drumming of Alex and the bass player? It would be bigger than the Styx reunion a few years ago."

Jackson plans to meet with representatives from both factions as soon as this weekend. "We would hope that in due course, we would be able to sit across the table from one another like brothers, me in the middle, the Van Halen brothers and the bass player on one side with Mr. Roth on the other side. Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith have agreed to stand by if needed." Aerosmith also had a well publicized war of words in the early 80s but have gone on to make decent music together in spite of the fact that Liv Tyler is related to the singer.

Speculation abounds that former President Bill Clinton has also offered his services. Said a source close to the events, "Mr. Clinton offered free use of his 1978 El Camino to get beer and dope. He added that he often went trolling in the 'truck-car' with Van Halen's first record in the 8-track."

Neither Beck nor Clinton could not be reached for comment. That Guy From Extreme was rumored to be working as a used car salesman in Boston while fronting a covers band locally on the weekend.

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