There are people out there who know everything, people who have the intellect and the wisdom and the wherewithall to know what to do in every instance, not just for themselves, but for everyone. Maybe you're one of these people. I, myself, am not.. I live day to day, minute to minute. Hell, I don't know what to do sometimes from one breath to the next, or if I should even take the next breath. I'd just be shit out of luck if I started trying to live someone else's life too.

I got an e-mail on March 30th of this year, the day before my 30th birthday. It was from a girl who said she had found me on some online classified ad, even though she couldn't remember which one. In the past, I had used the Yahoo Personals to meet people and it worked for a little while. I met a couple of cool friends from it, all of whom I've drifted away from.

So when she said she had found my ad on line, I thought it was possible, even though I had not updated it for a while, since I moved to Memphis at least. She said I interested her. That should have been the first sign that something was up. Who could I interest? So I sat on the e-mail for a few days, then replied that I was married and asked where she had found my ad, mentioning that I needed to take it off. In my mind, something already didn't make sense. I guess I doubted there would really be an ad left on line after all this time, much less one that had my "real" e-mail account on it. So the mention of where it was so I could take it off was me trying to pin her down to be a little more specific.

She wrote back that she couldn't remember where she had found it. That and the fact that she used a browser-based e-mail account should have been signs two and three that something was not kosher. So now I'm pretty positive that she's not real, that she is, as a friend might say, a fig newton of someone's imagination. Or rather that whoever it was was pulling a great big trick on me.

I had to question the fact that I was even questioning whether this person was on the up and up. Was I thinking too much? Was I being paranoid? Or did I loathe myself to the point that I thought no one would find me interesting in the least?

But who would do this? And why?

A couple of people came to mind. One of them was my wife. She had the only real motive to go through such a charade for me, that is, whether I would cheat on her or not if given the chance. Of course, I knew that she had to know how much it would piss me off when I found out she was behind it. That weighed on my mind as I tried to figure this little mystery out.

Then I got another e-mail from this girl. She said it was cool that I had remarried my ex-wife, etc. etc. Then she asked me, since I was a writer, to explain how much I loved my wife, claiming that she was a writer too and was trying to find that "perfect line" to use in the novel she was trying to write. (Hmm. The perfect line? Or the perfect lie?)

She said she was from Alabama and was living in my area, going to Winthrop University. She described herself as a real looker, which should have been another red flag that this girl was not on the up and up. If she had looked like she described herself, she wouldn't' be on line trading e-mails with some married creep; she'd be fucking some basketball player.

Of course, what is really going through my mind, other than trying to reason out who she was (friend or foe?) was this: "Hey, someone finds me reasonably attractive and intelligent," even though she didn't really come out and say either. Don't be fooled, people. Your significant other, whether you're married or not, straight or not or whatever your life together may be like, would love to know that there is someone out there who wishes he or she were not involved with you. Unless your significant other is Kathie Lee Gifford. Then they just think you're a fucking idiot.

But I should have known she was baiting me, not just suspected it. After all, she described herself as a blonde bisexual bombshell train conductor with exhibitionist tendencies. This should have been a sign.

(OK. That last part is just not true. I got carried away for a minute. Everything else is true.)

So then she starts talking about meeting. At this point, I become convinced that she is my wife, that it is my wife perpetrating a great big whammy on me. So I write her back and tell her I'd love to meet her and mention the times that would be good for me, all times when she -- my wife, that is -- would be gone.

I send that e-mail.

And then compose another listing all the reasons I think she's not who she says she is, adding that I'd still like to "fuck her like an animal" and "make her see the face of God," anything to offend the woman I am married to. I then add that there is something at her desk and she should go and read it

And I send that e-mail, too. Then I write a short note to my wife telling her when I realized that she was the one behind the e-mails, put it on her desk and leave in a huff so I won't be there when she finds the note. By this time, I'm steaming mad. How mad was I? Listening to Rush Limbaugh for hours at a time would not have made me this mad.

OK. OK. Listening to Rush Limbaugh for five minutes.....

So I get home and the wife greets me just like she would always greet me. "Oh, she's good," I'm thinking, my teeth gritted. So I go into this routine, "Don't trying denying it. Don't even go there. I can't believe you would try to deny this! I know what you've done.'

At some point, I realize she's either a very good actress (i.e. liar) or that -- gulp -- it had not been her who was sending the e-mails. Which meant that I just told some stranger I'd like to do it to them like they do it on the Discovery Channel.

Uh-Oh.

So I write this girl back, offering an explanation and an apology. But as I'm writing the e-mail, it occurs to me that just because it turned out not to be Sherry baiting me, it could be someone else baiting me. Who it could be and why they would go to such trouble, I could not guess. Someone would have to be very, very mean-spirited to do this. And for what?

In my mind, I thought that if she wrote back and accepted the apology, this would mean that she was just someone baiting me. If she didn't write back, then I had offended her and that was the end of that. Which was fine. Refer back to the part where I said I was married.

She wrote back and accepted the apology.

So we began trading e-mails again. Most of them were her asking questions and me answering them. The questions were mainly about my life, my wife and my son. The questions I asked of her were rarely answered and if so, not in any detail. But she was a good writer. In an age where I routinely get e-mails with no caps and very bad grammar, this was a refreshing change.

And still I tried to pin down who it could be. The fact that she did use caps meant it couldn't be ^foX from my chat room. That she could form complete thoughts, not to mention complete sentences, also ruled out my wife's family. (My wife is a very good writer as well. Thus, the reason I suspected the e-mails were coming from her in the first place.)

So then came the e-mail where she said again that we should meet. But here's how it would go down: We were to meet at the Lancaster County Library. I was to tell her what kind of car I had since she was not going to come in until she saw it in the parking lot. Furthermore, I was to take my son in with me. That way, she said, she could pick me out, even though she said she knew a little of what I looked like from the pictures of myself on my site.

This was just plain odd. But there's more. This e-mail came in on Friday afternoon. She set the meeting up for the next day at 4 p.m. She also said she would not be able to meet me at all after this. Basically, it was now or never. Now I wanted to know who this was, but there was no way this meeting was going to happen. A request for her to supply me a picture of herself was ignored. An e-mail where I asked her pointed questions about herself was also ignored.

Now I ain't the smartest man on God's green earth. But I'm not a complete fucking idiot either. This was a little too far out of left field. What does she think I think we're going to do? Get to know one another at the magazine rack then go somewhere, have sex, and never see one another again? This shit only happens in my bad attempts at writing. But I decide to play this out to the end, to find out who the person is behind the e-mails.

The next morning, I was greeted with the news that my wife got an e-mail from this person. The mask came off, so to speak. It was a friend of a friend of Sherry's from school. Let me restate that. The person that was e-mailing me, who called herself Christine Williams, was the friend of someone Sherry knew from school. I would presume that Christine Williams is not the real name of the peon, which is why I feel free to post it here. However, I do know the real name of the person Sherry knows from school. And while common sense may dictate that I not tell you who she is, she went to school with Sherry way back in the first grade -- sixteen or seventeen years ago now -- and her name is Charity Whitaker.

Christine wrote, "It wasn't our intention to put a wedge in your marriage. We were hoping that you were right about there being at least one honest and sincere guy out there
that would stand up for love, which in this case, would've been for his son." My fourteen week old son thanks you for caring so much about him, that you'd try to break up his parents marriage.

"We got your email addresses from your school file. We were not sure which one to send this to, so we sent it to both of your accounts. You can do to this account what ever you wish. If you wish to delete it and pretend that it is not happening, you can do that too. But I would suggest that you face reality, and I tell you that with my deepest sincerity and sympathy. He would have cheated on you, Shery. Now what ever is done about it is completely up to you. He can't be trusted. A marriage may be possible without love, that dies in a marriage sometimes anyway. But you can not have a marriage without trust. Look
for happiness. You deserve it. What you did wrong was a long time ago and he obviously forgave you. Do not keep punishing yourself because of your past. You will never be happy with him."

It's good to know that there are at least some people out there with the knowledge of what is best for everyone involved. I had thought this kind of insane and pure evil behavior was prevalent only on daytime television. Apparently I was wrong. But in the world I reside, precious few of us are God-like in our ability to know what to do.

Christine and Charity claimed to have done this for Sherry's own good. "I know this will hurt you," she wrote, "but my friend was cheated on not too long ago and she wished that she could've done something similar to this to spare herself from finding out the hard way."

Hey, maybe it's just me, but maybe these "women," and I use that term loosely, can't keep a man because they're self-absorbed, holier than thou bitches with a waist line the size of Manhattan. Or better yet, Marlon Brando. Obviously, no man could ever be good enough for these Leonna Helmseys because men are equipped with the wrong genitalia. These two dogs would obviously be much better off licking each other instead of looking in vain for that "one honest and sincere guy out there that would stand up for love." Maybe no one has stood up for their love because one can't love a person with this kind of personality.

I'll stand up for love. And if I ever see Christine and Charity coming my way, I'll stand up to leave. I'm sure the stench coming my way run me off anyway. Maybe they spend too much of their god forsaken time watching "Jenny Jones" and "Rikki Lake" instead of living in the real world. They're certainly too bitter and too self involved too realize that in the real world, you don't pull shit like this.

"I apologize for this event, but if I were in your shoes, I would be thankful." Bullshit, bitch. You're a liar, and a bad one at that.

She claims they were doing this for Sherry's own good when in reality, they must be jealous that she had found someone she could be happy with. Or maybe these girls just want to sleep with Sherry and thought that if they proved what an awful, horrible person I was, that could happen.

The aim was to deceive, which is why when I called Christine out, she wrote back and said there was no agenda, that she were not trying to bait anyone. If she had any sense, if her goal was only to help Sherry, it would have ended right there. I had told her about my wife and my son, but she kept the e-mails coming. Kept trying to trap me. If this had been a drug deal in the making and Christine had been a cop, no judge in America would let the charges stand even if I bought a ton of crack. It was nothing short of entrapment. Her agenda was to set me up at any cost and then to tell Sherry. These two whores obviously cannot fathom a relationship where there is understanding and acceptance. So they set out to tear it apart. They must have loved it when I wrote back accusing the writer of being my wife in disguise. It was an added bonus, I would think. Not only were they tearing me apart in her eyes, but they were tearing Sherry apart in my eyes. At least for a little while. This must have been an extra incentive to keep the charade going.

I have to wonder if she knew I was asking these questions to pin her down on who she was or if she thought I was such a horny creep that all I could think about was sex. Obviously she did, since I certainly was not the "one honest and sincere guy out where who would stand up for love." I'm sure the witch is proud of herself. I'm sure she's patting herself on the back. But she shouldn't. It was an evil and malicious thing to do. I'm not sure how anyone like this could look at their own reflection in the mirror. Their hearts are dark though and I'm sure nothing could get through.

They belong on a daytime soap, playing hell with the lives of people they don't even know. They claim to be searching for an honest and sincere man when they are nothing but two bit liars. Hookers are ahead of them on the evolutionary chain. Believe me, babes, no lying, insincere bastard with his dick in half the population of Pine Valley deserves the hell that you are.

Oh..... uhm.....

The reader of this rant will have to forgive me. I normally don't do this. I am usually able to keep a lid on my anger. I guess if I were to find a reason for this rant, it would be this: don't fuck with other people's lives. Fuck with your own. It's funner that way.

Oh, and certainly don't fuck with a guy who has a web site and isn't too embarrassed to let the web surfer see what a moron he can be if it gets back at two fucking lesbian bitches who doesn't deserve to eat the mildew out of my kitchen sink.
 

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