Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
But there's no such thing as Jesus. That's just a myth.
by JCH
November 30, 2000

Oh, my favorite time of the year. Right after the rest of the year, that is. To put it in simple words, I hate Christmas and the time of the season almost as much as I hate root canals. It's over commercialized to the point that the real meaning has been lost. What is the real meaning? Well, I have no idea. By the time I was old enough to know better, it was about who could come back to school with the most toys.

As I was waiting on my wife to pick me up after work the other day, I started thinking about the season again. It was the day before Thanksgiving and the store was busy as hell. I work at a grocery store, so this day would have been one of our busiest of the year. And I started thinking about Christmas.

As many of you know, this will be my son's first Christmas. He'll be 11 months old on December 5. Little did we know at this time last year, that this Christmas would also be the first for our daughter, Jenna Alexis, who is due on December 13.

One of the things we have talked about is whether to tell our kids about Santa Claus. Now before I go on, the truth about Santa is revealed later in this rant. So you may want to tread lightly.

I guess the better way to put it is: What do we tell our kids about Santa? Obviously, the jolly fellow has a big following in the mass media. It's not like we could keep the man a secret from Michael and Jenna if we tried.

So one more time for the record: What do we tell our kids about Santa? If you have any ideas, e-mail me at the addy for the death threats concerning my story, Smells Like Holy Spirit: Jesus Christ's Second Adventure.

Here's one thing that keeps coming back to me: if we tell our kids that there's a fat man who lives at the North Pole who takes his flying reindeer out every Christmas delivering gifts to the kids who have been good, how can we tell them with a straight face that there was a carpenter who lived 2000 years ago and died for their sins?

Both men are at the heart of what Christmas is really about. But at some point, every kid discovers that there really is no such thing as Santa Claus. See. Your parents really bought you all those great toys when you were younger, then gave credit to some fat man who is not real.

You may see where this is going. Santa is not real. But our parents propagate the lie each year. It's a tradition that has passed down from parent to parent for generations. A conspiracy of lies, in other words. Like the Warren Commission. (A better name for the group of people that put out the fiction that purports to be the truth about the John Kennedy assassination would be Warren Omission.)

So at some point, Little Johnny learns that Santa is a fig newton of somebody's imagination? Well, he may think, they lied to me about one man of the Christmas season, why the fuck should I believe them about this Jesus guy? Really. No room at the inn. The virgin birth. The three wise men who brought those crappy gifts that no parent of a newborn needs. And then we're supposed to believe that this man was crucified for our sins? Yeah, right. That dog don't hunt. What does some guy being nailed to wood have to do with my sins anyway?

At least, this is what I was thinking while waiting on my wife to pick me up from work. Do I really want to lie to my kids? Do I want them to doubt that I would never lie to them about anything else? My dad always told me that once I had told a lie, he then had to doubt I could tell the truth. Well, guess what, Dad! It goes both ways.

Is Jesus real? We know Santa isn't.

How could spanking me hurt you more than it did me? I'm the one getting the belt to the butt! What? Is it hurting your wrist swinging that thing at me?

Oh, and I never went blind either. Not yet anyway.

I think we'll leave that statement where it is, for the time being.

Well, at least I have at least another year to ponder these things. I'll enjoy being a Scrooge one last time, because by the time my kids are old enough to enjoy this time of the year, I'll put on my best smile and will be Mr. Christmas to them. And I'll love it. But what will we tell them about Santa? I don't know yet.

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