People In South Carolina Can't Drive
by JCH
Sunday/Monday/Tuesday 03/18-20/2001*

People in South Carolina simply cannot drive. I'm the exception, of course. I'm a good driver. Which means nothing since I'm on the road with mouth breathers. Most of the stupid people in this state cannot drive at all. It amazes me every time I am driving at dusk how long it takes a good portion of the other people on the road to exert the energy it takes to reach down and turn their freaking headlights on.

"It sure iz gettin' dark, Pa. Did Jesus cut the lights off?"

"Lights? What's them?"

And what happens when I flash my lights? They slow down, naturally, thinking I'm signaling that a cop is near. The worst time of all for headlight-inferior goobers are days liketoday, when it is dreary and raining heavy of and on and the lighting is various shades of grey. You can literally be a car length from a car and never know it.

Oh, and riding around with your park lights on ain't the answer, Bubba. They don't do the work that, say, your headlights would do.

Highway 72 between Chester and Rock Hill is bad. Half of us are going 70 miles per hour while the other half goes 40 or 45. Most of it is double yellow the whole way. Invariably this means that a long line of traffic will stack up behind an old couple in an Oldsmobile Cutlass Cierra. To hell with respecting elders. I think it's a good idea to stare at them as you pass by. And don't give them the finger; they'll think you're waving.

"Hey, Gramps. Time to get back to the home and wait to die, ain't it?"

So then you have the person right behind this car who will not under any circumstance pass. Which leads some guy, usually in a pick up truck, who will pass two -- sometimes three or more -- cars at one time. On a double yellow line. Near a curve. He's probably listening to Alan Jackson and his damn idiotic song about Ford trucks.

And we won't even talk about truckers. They're evil. All of them. Doing the work of Satan by driving us crazy. Literally.

But what I will never understand are the drivers who pull up in front of Wal Mart or Food Lion and park in the fire lane, hop out of the car and run into the store. How conceited do you have to be to think you are so fucking important that you can risk the lives of everyone in the store just so you can run in and grab a gallon of milk? Who the fuck died and made you God, you self-absorbed son of a bitch?

Coming out of Winn Dixie just a few hours ago here in the great town of Chester, there were no fewer than four cars in the fire lane. Almost made me want to set fire to the place then watch the fire trucks have to park out in the lot. I think if you park in the fire lane to do your shopping and the establishment you're in catches on fire, you should be held at gun point inside the place until either you catch on fire and you die of smoke inhalation. I really do think there is a special place in hell for these bastards and the quicker they get there, the better it will be for all of us.

But that may be just my opinion.

Even though I doubt it.

Another group of stupid people that piss me off are these guys who literally stop to cross railroad tracks. But not only will they slow down to about one mile per hour, they also have to cross the tracks at a fucking angle! Hey, Einstein, cars have been crossing railroad tracks for about a hundred years now. I kinda think they were made with the thought that you should be able to do at least, say, fifteen miles an hour over them.

Some people even turn their cars at what seems to be a 45 degree angle to cross tracks which are already at an angle! These people are on crack. They should be pulled over and shot in the head. It's really nice when they turn their car to cross the tracks at an angle and in doing so, basically cross them going straight!

We won't even mention the people who see the railroad crossing (lights, bells, arms, etc.) going off, slow down, then spot the train and drive through! Jesus Christ, people are morons! If I were a cop, these are the people I would ticket more than any, except for the dumb ass fuckers who park in the fire lane at stores to do their shopping.

Other things that piss me off about South Carolina drivers:

• people who go ten miles below the speed limit until it turns into a four-lane, at which they'll speed up to ten miles above the speed limit when you're trying to pass
• people who'll go ten miles above the speed limit until it turns into a two-lane at which point they'll slow down to ten miles below the speed limit when it's too late to pass
• people who will turn their signal on after they hit their brakes. It's too fucking late now, asshole! Why couldn't you have done this ten seconds ago, dickface? Before I nearly knocked your piece of crap car into the next county!
• people who will not go when they're supposed to at four-way stops. I prefer people who will break in line in front of meek morons who will not under any circumstance go until there is no one else within a five mile radius!
• people who will tailgate you when YOU'RE going 60 or 65 in a 55.
• people who pass you when oncoming traffic is so close that you literally have to slam on brakes as well as people who pass another car when you're the oncoming traffic and have to slam on brakes

to my next rant (when posted)
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* Yes, it actually took me three damn days to finish this rant. About the photograph at the top of the page: It's an old beat up Buick LeSabre and I lifted it from

When I was looking for a picture of Satan -- complete with pointy head and pitchfork -- I came across this site, SATAN, THE ADVERSARY OF MANKIND. I highly recommend it. Up until now, I was under the impression that the adversary of mankind was "reality-based" TV.

I also found A Kinder, Gentler Satan in regards to the Roman Catholics version of Satan.

And another site not to be missed is Trent Lott Is Satan. (And all along I thought my mother-in-law was the ruler of the underworld.)

And speaking of Lucifer.....