Loss
submitted anonymously printed in the Feburary 95' issue
April. Spring, with all its torrents of rain and flowers and eagerness for summer. Rebecca leaned on the fence gazing at the children scrambling over the slides, jungle-gym, and swing that was the playground in her tired little town. She was skipping school today, as she had often done in the past nine months. Yet today was different from all those other days spent driving aimlessly or sitting and walking in the woods where she would almost die. Or all the days she watched the little children in the park and the happy parents pushing strollers, or longing to hold the infants in the hospital here she had done volunteer work since her thirteenth birthday.
Today was the day that her baby would have been born. Should have been born.
It was in August that Rebecca learned that she was pregnant. For a moment she did not believe it and then she remembered a torrid day in late July. She thought of the queasiness, the mornings slumped over the toilet that were not caused by wild parties taht lasted until dawn. She took one of those home-pregnancy tests, and it had turned blue right away. She left the house sobbing and ran into the woods that always offered its shadowy self for salvation. There, on an old log over a gurgling stream, she considered her options, discarding each. Carefully, so she wouldn't fall into the water, Rebecca brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself so that she was a living ball tottering on the log. Finally, she decided that the only thing she could do would be to keep her baby. She wanted this baby, even if she wasn't ready for it.
But she was! She was! Rebecca had no true purpose in life, nothing to succeed at. She enjoyed nature and writing and books. She wanted happiness and pursued it. While others were planning for college and careers, Rebecca just wanted what would make her happy, not looking for prestige or recognition, or approval. Her parents never approved and she no longer cared if the blows that were rained down on her wre physical. At least that is what she said so often, even if it was not the truth.
That night she told Aaron. They were home from the movies and eating ice cream and out of no where she took a deep breath, "Aaron I'm going to have a baby."
He dropped his spoon on the floor, and then he smiled.
She had expected him to be angry, to yell, and hit her as she knew her family would. Instead, Aaron smiled. Rebecca was bewildered.
"You're not angry?"
"Rebecca, you're going to have my baby, MY baby. How could I be angry? This is good, we can get married, be a family!" The idea of a family was sacred to Aaron who had never known his parents and spent this childhood being passed from one relative to another. He now lived whith his best friend's family.
She wanted this baby more than anything, but she had thought she would have it alone. Suddenly Rebecca felt that she was in a fairytale, and then realized it was Aaron's. He thought that everything would work itself out and they would live happily ever after and maybe he was right. They would both graduate soon after the baby was born, he had money left from his parents and Rebecca could write or find some kind of work if it was necessary. That night they began to make plans for the future, marriage in the Catholic Church--She would have it no other way, a flat in the city, doctors...
Then Luke, Aaron's best friend and blook brother since fourth grade came over. He thought they were mad. "You idiots, you're happy? How the hell can you be happy? You're ruining your lives, you already did, how can you be so stupid! Diapers, screaming kids, and marriage?" They listened without really hearing until he changed the direction of his speech, "Look if money's the problem, I'll loan it to, hell, I'll give it to you. There's a clinic in town, women go there all the time, its a fast sim--"
"What are you saying, Luke? Man, waht are you saying?" This came from Aaron who sat across the table, staring at his friend with a vicious intensity that scared Rebecca who had silently begun to cry when Luke was speaking.
"I'm saying its a fast simple operation, you go in, and you go out and it's like it never happened."
"Abortion. You want her to kill our baby?" Aaron was angrier than either of them had ever seen him.
He jumped up and pushed Luke against the wall.
"Aaron, calm down."
"You want her to have an abortion and you want me to calm down?"
"I"m just trying to help."
"That's not the kind of help we need! How can you say somethign like that?" Turnign to Rebecca, he said, "It's okay Beccy, we're not going to do that."
Rebecca nodded, forced a smile, and then the three of them sat down and made plans for the future. They discussed the wedding, prenatal care, and her parents. Rebecca, all the while, was doing her best to bridge the animosity between Aaron and Luke. Somehow, though she as sixteen, pregnant, and losing the last, best years of her childhood, Rebecca was happy.
For the rest of the summer, Rebecca went about as though nothing was different, playing sports, swimming, hiking, even though Aaron worried every time she did. She kept telling him the doctor said t as okay, but because he refused to believe it she allowed him to pamper her constantly. He told her to check with the doctor, and thought she promised him she never did.
"Fred! Aaron you're not naming this baby Fred."
"My Grandfather's name was Fred. It's a perfectly respectable name."
"No it's not. Besides, it might be a girl, what will we call her then?"
"Wilma."
She game him a look that said, "You've got to be kidding," and they both laughed.
"Rebecca why don't you find out what it is next time you're at the doctor?" He suggested. She told him it was too early and promised when it was possible, she would.
August passed quickly and they looked forward to the coming year. When school stared they decided to keep the pregnancy a secret and told no one. Their odd behavior made everyone wonder, even if they didn't ask, and a few were certain.
The pains began early in the morning. Rebecca winced but thought nothing of it, attributing the pain tot he chili she ate the night before. But as the day wore on, she realized something was wrong. In the middle of Calculus, Rebecca stodd and doubled over in pain. As she clutched her chair for support, a warm fluid trickled down her leg. She knew without looking what it as and the cry of despain and agony caused every head in the class, except that of the deaf and aging teacher, to tur toward her. Sobbing, she made her way out of the room.
Rebecca sat in the moke-filled bathroom under the few florescent lights that were actually working. "This isn't happening, this isn't happening," she repeated these words over and over to herself, hoping more than anything the words would become true. She closed her eyes and concentrated on trying to make the pain stop. That is how Kris found her. Rebecca sat on the floor, her face whit and tortured, the dress she wore, staned dark with blook. "Oh God Rebecca, what's happening? Stay here I'll get the nurse."
Rebecca opened her eys and said, "No get Aaron, don't tell the nurse, no one ca know. Get Aaron. It's his baby." Then she passed out. Kristen didn't notice.
"Aaron!" A slepy looking dark haired eighteen-year-old turned his head towards the door whre Kristen stood. The teacher, Mr. Holt, glanced toward the door. "Is there soemthign I can help you with?" They both ignored him and left the room.
"Rebecca, she's in the bathroom. I think she's having a miscarriage. I didn't even know she was pregnant."
The look in Aaron's eyes when he saw Rebecca made Kris wish more thean anything that she hadn't gone to him. His laughing eyes were dead.Kneeling on the floor beside her Aaron cried, "How could you leave her alone here? You should have gotten the nurse. Call an ambulance, now!"
"She said she wanted you. I didn't..."
He lifted Rebecca from the floor. "Call the ambulance!"
"You shouldn't move her." Kristen felt hopeless and in the way. Aaron ignored her and cradled Rebecca in his arms. Ironic, Kris thought, in his arms like that she looks so small, almost like an infant. "STay here with her, Aaron. I'll get the ambulance."
"You think I"m going to leave her?"
Aaron carried Rebecca out the door, her coppery hair caxcading over his shoulder. Tenderly, he kissed her forehead, "It's going to be okay. I love you Beccy." He looked at her unconscious in his arms and thought "Please God, don't llet her die, I know it's too late for the baby, but please God, don't let her die too. I couldn't take losing them both."
The ambulance came three minutes later and Aaron was, for the most part, ignored. After they tood Rebecca from him, reprimadning him for moving her, he was pushed aside. The paramedics were dismayed to find that she had no relative besides her parents, who happned to be taking a second honeymoon. "Are you telling me that this girl has no one? Where is the father of the baby?"
"I'm here," Aaron told is feet. He woudln't let them belittle his decision or his baby, or see the look in his eyes and the tears and attribute them to shame.
The man who had asked the question was an undrstand one, asking only the necessary questions. One of those was hard to answer; "Why didnt' anyone know she was pregnant?" How could he tell this perfect stranget that Rebecca wanted it that way? That if her parents knew they would kill her and the baby, or beat her and force her to have an abortion? The man looked at him and nodded sympathetically, never saying anything to the effect of "How could you be so stupid as to get her pregnant in the first place?" He was surprised by the information Aaron volunteered that he was not expected to know.
"Rebecca is B-negative, she's allergic to penicillin, she has asthma but it hasnt' been a problem in years." Then, nervously watching the blue uniformed man and woman hovering over his fiancee, he added, "Her left arm's been broken three times and her shoulder and wrist have both been dislocated."
"Don't worry we'll take care of her."
"That's supposed to be my job." Aaron let out a strangled sob and turned away. They let him ride in the ambulance. Crouched beside Rebecca and stroking her hair, Aaron cried the whole way.
Rebecca was walking in the park pushing a beautiful baby in a shiny stroller. The baby chortled and waved a tiny, perfect, pink fist. Aaron leaved over the stroller and spoke to the baby, his daughter, she seemed to understand him and smiled. Aaron turned around and walked toward some flowrs intending to pick a few for his child and her mother. Rebecca turned to look at him when suddenly Aaron pointed in her direction and yelled. Rebecca turned to see her baby above the stoller. She tried to reach for her but the baby floated away, and suddenly the park was no longer sunny and beautiful. The wind was no longer a gentle breeze but blew with fierceness that swayed the trees. It was almost dark as Rebecca ran after her baby, who was floating away. Rebecca screamed holding her arms out to the now crying infant in the cruel wind. SHe watched in agony as her baby became just a speck.Then all taht was left was an empty, tattered stoller, and a faint wail of a baby in pain. Rebecca continued to scream and she heard Aaron speaking to her. The sky lightened and the hospital came into sparse focus. She could see Aaron above her, calling her name and holding her hand.
"My baby, is my baby okay? Please tell me the baby is okay?" Rebecca begged. Buth then she looked at Aaron's face. There were tears. They held each other and mourned the loss of a baby that wouldn't be born.
They let Rebecca out of the hospital the next day. Some of the staff offered condolences, some gave supporting smiles meant to encourage. Others, she could tell, felt that it was best.
That was five months ago. Now the wind blew her unkempt hair in the park whre she had dreamed the loss of her chil while it actually happened. "I would hve never brought my baby here," she realized. "I would have taken her to the woods, let her sit beneath the trees, play in the stream. I would have raised her there and we would have ben happy, not like now"
Folding her arms, Rebecca turned and walked out tof the park, toward the house wehre Aaron was.
He opened the door before she knocked. "Rebecca."
"Do you know what today is?"
He was silent for an eternit, then muttered, "Yes." Silence again. "Rebecca we need to talk." Then hastily, "I've been thinking, there is not baby on the way, I hate to be so blunt, but it's the truth, there's no reason to be so serious, nothing pushing us, we should definitely hold off ont eh wedding plans."
"What?"
"I think maybe we should stop seeing each other."
"Why?"
"There's no reason to." God! He couldn't bear the look on her face.
"No reason! Damnit, Aaron, we had a baby together!"
"Had. Had. The baby is dead. There's nothing."
"All of the sudden you don't care that you had a daughter."
"I want to forget. You should too, then later I can have a family."
"Is that why? You want a woman who will give perfect living babies and I can't?"
"REbecca, it's not your fault. It just happened, and now we should move on-separately."
"God, you don't care, she died and you dont' care anymore."
"Don't call it 'she'."
"When your baby was alive you wouldn't let anyone talk about her dying and now that she's dead you dno't want anyone talking about her having ever been alive!"
"Maybe it was never alive."
"It?"
"Just shut up, okay." Aaron instantly wished he hand't said that or anything. He was being cruel and a jerk and knew it. In the past few months he started to pull away from her, thinking of excuses not to see her and telling her it would be better when he saw the hurt in her eyes.The same look was in them now, but threefold. He closed his eyes. But Rebecca woudln't understand. He'd lost too much. He was afraid. For the past five months a little ghost had followed him around, never letting him rest. He coudnl't eat. He couldnt' sleep. He coudlnt' take it. Rebecca was so strong. He was weak Aaron was a weight aroun her neck. They had both wanted the baby when it was still coming, but he realized now that, maybe it was best that the baby had dies. She coudl do anything, even if she was the most directionless person int he world. All she needed to do was find what it was that she wanted. Rebecca was the anchor that kept him in reality. There was so much pain in reality! He wanted to lose the anchor and float away like the baby in Rebecca's dream. But Rebecca didn't hear all this. All she heard was the cold "shut up."
She walked away, murmuring "Good bye," just as cold.
"I love you Beccy." But she didnt' hear that either. Rebecca walked the miles to the forest that as ignored by all but herself. IN there she could always find apeace. Her baby was gone, her only chance at happiness, and somehow Aaron had gone with it. He had talked about wanting a family, she wished she had the same plans. Wished. The doctor told her last week that it was likely she would never have a child. She would keep getting pregnant, and having miscarriages. All her babies would die.
The water tumbled over the rocks and the air felt ancient, scented with the rich earth, and leaves and animals who eyed her warily from their hiding places. The gun felt cool against her temple. Its sturdy weight was almost comforting in the gathering shadows. She had always stopped before this point. A tiny somethign had always held her back. Now there was nothing.
As she closed her eyes and took a deep forest scented breath, she squeezed the trigger. Then somethign in her cried out for her to stop. She imagined her daughter, in heaven. If Rebecca did this she would never be with her child because little babies didnt' go to hell. She imagined her little child watching this mortal sin.
It was too late. The trigger was pulled and the hammer clicked back. Nothign happened. Incredulous, Rebecca turned the pistol in her hands, studying it. It was empty, there were no bullets in it. Odd, she'd never seen this gun unloaded. It sat in her parents house, always loaded. She admired the way the moon glinted off the pearl handle, and reflected the irony of her contemplations.
She threw the gun into the stream where it splashed and sunk to the bottom to be covered with mud and rock. Rebecca lay down in the moss and pine, unable to cry. She was past tears, empty. She listened to the birds and water, and curled up, knees under her chin.
Fetal position.
Her
by Carrie Berger printed in the May 97' issue
He loved everything about her. He loved her smile, her soft, simple hair, her crinkly little toes, her quiet, her love. He especially loved her enthusiasm, the way she found pure joy in the most simple of things and her ability to bring that joy to everyone around her. She was sometimes like a child, just discovering a world of beauty with open and innocent eyes.
Nothing sparked her excitement like the natural world. The fireflies gathering at night captivated her. She entered their realm and danced with them, in love with the universe.
The summer they had gone on their first trip together they chose to go to Washington State, to explore the rainforest and the vast ocean. When at first she glanced at the great body of water that was the Pacific, she grabbed his hand and ran toward it, and they jumped into the foamy tide together, laughing. They had the beach and the ocean to themselves on this wonderful day. She floated in teh calm water, alone in the universe, until the sky grew dim and her fingers and toes were wrinkled.
THey spent the next day hiking through the abysmal jungle. When they stumbled upon a crystal clear waterfall, which had been heretofore untouched by humans, she just stood there and stared at it, incredulous.
"It's beautiful," she said gently.
"Yes," he told her in the same quiet, awestruck voice.
Theysam all day in the blue pools formed by the cascade. They were one with the water and it with them and love was theirs alone.
AT home during the night they would lay on the soft, dewy grass and stare up at the stars. A tear would come to her eye, because the beauty was too much. They would look at each other and say "I love you" with their eyes.
He loved every part of her; there was nothing that he would change. Before he had met her, had he been asked to give his idea of the perfect woman, his description would have been typical: blonde hair, blue eyes, a beautiful face, large breasts, and an hourglass figure. But now he would only request a good soul, a heart full of love and joy, a sense of enthusiasm and of the absurd, a capability of reaching every emotion, and a desire to help him reach those emotions, too. Looks weren't very important. Just a smile that could make him melt and little toes that looked so perfect all curled up in the sand.
He admired everythign that she did. He loved the way she could work herself into a fury when an injustice was done. She had a wonderful sense of perserverance and she would never quit until a change was made.
He appreciated the way she cried at profound movies, when everyone else just stared at the screen, wondering. But, she would never cry at sad, "tear jerker" movies, the kind that were devised to require tissues. He also enjoyed how she would laugh with him at the joke in the play or movie that was too subtle or abstract to be caught by most people.
He was fond of watching her with children or older people or animals. He saw her love and compassion for them and he saw how she became part of their world so easily, almost as though she had always belonged.
He treasured the times that he had stodd silent and watched her when she was completely moved by a song. She would just lie on the floor and close her eyes as she listened. It as almost as though she felt the power and beauty that the writer must have felt as they created the song.
He respected, and somewhat envied her ability to become so involved in a very good book that she was almost a part of it, from the time she started it until the time that she turned the last page. She always insisted afterward that he read it too, but he could never feel himself being as completely take with as she had been.
He delighted in reading something that she had written that was so perfect and true that it made him weep. But she would never quite realize herself how fully wonderful it was.
When he had looked at her he saw himself, and she saw the same as she gazed through his eyes. But it was not likea reflection in a mirror, because mirrors are made my people who are vain. It was somethign deep and true, a feling inexpressible by words. They each had found their sould mate. There was no turning back now, ther wwas no ohter life, this was the life that they had been searching for. There was only each other and the one being that their souls inhabited.
He would have been happy to have spent the rest of his existence with her.
He wept at the beauty of a falling star, and he knew that he loved her still.
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