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I am on a journey to weight loss...I have chosen surgery...walk with me for a while and see where my path leads.
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{{June 11, 2000}}I guess I should write something profound or memorable, so you will keep coming back, but right now I don't feel creative. I am writing this journal to have a sounding board for my thoughts, to share my experiences, and a place to overdo it when I feel like I'm going to lose it (which isn't often). I am going to try to let my thoughts flow freely. I don't want to organize or justify or delete...I am overweight. I weigh over 275 pounds. My body mass index is 47+. I want to have weight loss surgery(wls). I have read hundreds of personal stories about wls and, now, I guess it's my turn.{{June 13, 2000}}I found out some bad news. I should give you some background first. In Canada,(Alberta, anyways), insurance issues are few when it comes to wls, so at least I don't have to worry about that! My first step was to see my family doctor (PCP). The one I usually see did not refer me he said, "If you were 375 or 475, I would refer you, but you are only 275 pounds." So, I did what any other woman on a mission would do, I went and saw another doctor, Dr.Payne. I don't care for Dr.Payne's bedside manners, but I knew he would give me the referral, because he had mentioned the surgery before (about 5 years ago when I was 250 pounds). The only thing is, I hope I don't have to see him for follow up (ug). The Dr. Payne's nurse called me a few days later to let me know that the only doctor for this surgery in Alberta was in Cardston, AB . I got on the internet (OSSG-Canada) and got his phone number and called(Dr. Hollingsworth's referral lady is the lady to call 403-653-1136, not the receptionist(?) at his office). I specifically asked the receptionist "DOES HE DO RNY????" She said "YES" I was very pleased and surprised to learn I could see him Aug 3,2000 and have the surgery 4 weeks thereafter. I called again yesterday to find out why they haven't sent out my information package (she is sending it Thursday) ...I find out the the doctor there does not do RNY...I am soo disappointed! I could cry. So, I thought it over all evening yesterday and finally mentioned it to my WM/DF (wonderful man/dear fiance). I told him the facts and we decided I would settle for the VBG. If it does not help me enough, I will get a revision. There is a doctor in Alberta that does RNY (Dr Nohr 403-527-2281), however his waiting list is like 1 year long. I am going to get a referral anyways to him. I will see how long it will take to see Dr. Nohr, and decide if I can wait 'till 2001 to get the surgery I want! Later.... I just called my PCP's nurse and she will ask him if she can refer me to the RNY doctor as well. She will call me within a few days. I read so many recolections of fantastic weight loss with the RNY ...weight loss did not appear to be good with VBG. I am not bashing anyone's personal surgical choice. If anyone has a fantastic story about VBG please email me and let me know. I will probably end up having the VBG, but it is not my first choice. I definitely have to get more positive about this if I want it to help me!!!! I have been eating uncontrollably for about 2 1/2 months, now. Luckily I have only gained about 10 pounds. This is so weird. My eating is usually not so excessive! Another thing...I am being a lump! I haven't got on my treadmill for about 2 months or gone to the gym. I usually work out a few times a week, even if I am not actively trying to lose weight. Not now. So that's my goal for June. To do something 4 days a week. I'm not giving myself the activity or the amount of time I should do it... I just need to get moving! My other goal, for this week for sure is to drink more water. I usually do, but again, I'm not myself lately. In the long run, for the surgery, I need to have healthier lungs, firmer muscles, and a positive outlook. Exercise will accomplish all three. I feel good when I exercise. Am I boring you? I hope not. Anyways, with the VBG, the doctor creates a small pouch, a holding spot for the food you swallow. He puts a band aroung the bottom, which allows a very tiny amount of food to go through at a very slow rate. The idea is you eat less and lose weight. Of course, you have to be active, etc. Dr. Hollingworth does it laproscopically, which means he makes small incisions and specially designed instruments and a camera to perform the surgery. The other method is open, where they make a large incision from breastbone to bellybutton (ouch!). The LAP method makes for a quicker recovery time and I've read, less pain. I hope so, because I am a big baby when it comes to pain. The funny thing is, I am not so worried about the pain of the incisions...I am more concerned about the IV needle, catheter, drainage tube, etc. I had 2 children by cesarean, so I know I can manage the big pain-it's the little pains that scare me. Walked to work after lunch! {{June 14, 2000}}Hi, again. My schedule is a little off today because my stepdaughter graduated from Head Start (playchool for 3 year olds). I had to get her all prettied up and take her to the school, get pictures, that kind of thing. It was going well then she started freaking out and being rotten, so we brought her home. She ended up in her room on a time out and my DF and I cleaned the house. Now, I'm at work, but all the staff and students are on a year end picnic, so it will be pretty quiet here. I am trying to slow down on my eating, both with the ammount and the speed. I will need this to be succesful after surgery. I found out the 3 doctors I was supposed to see on Aug. 3/00 cannot all make it. I will have to see one of them a day earlier, which is fine with me. When I was walking back to work yesterday, I was practicing deep breathing - it's supposed to help strengthen my lungs. I am starting to get into the productive mode - I can feel it. I need to get motivated to take off a little weight before I see Dr. H. I am so tired of the constant battle with my weight. I think when I first decided to look into weight loss surgery again, I kind of gave up my healthy habits subconsciously thinking the RNY will take most of it off anyways. Of course the RNY would take weight off, but not enough, unless I follow the eating and exercise program as well. With the VBG, I will have to try even harder, I think, so I might as well start trying now to get out of this lazy rut and get to work. I have spoken to several women who had VBG and they were ok with it. One lady has gained most of her weight back, although she got pregnant too soon after, so she blames the weight gain on the pregnancy. The other lady has lost quite a bit and has gained back about 20-30 pounds. She says this is because she is always eating on the run (junk) and she does not exercise. I know, once I get out of this rut, I will be fine. Even when I am not really trying to lose weight, I generally eat well and work out at least a few times per week. I'm starting back to the gym tomorrow evening. Ladies night at the gym here is thursday and monday. Plus, by the end of the month, I will be working a few days a week, so I will have more time to exercise. {{June 16, 2000}}I think I finally have this web page thing figured out. I have settled on fortune city for my web page provider because it is the easiest one to work with so far. I work with computers most of the day, but our employer has never offered training on how to build a personal web page (lol). So I'm winging it. Yesterday and today are going well so far. Except I have been having these killer headaches, which my dr. says are from the depression (?) I have been generally eating a little slower and slightly less. I know, I know, I have to work harder on this. My stomach feel like it's been slowly inflating for the last 6 weeks. I will try to post a picture, but I'm not promising anything because, like I said, I'm not a pro. I have even started being more productive at work. I need to get back on track. In my job, I pretty much make my own schedule and I do not have an on-site supervisor, but my coworkers are starting to notice my lack of motivation and productivity. I am usually such an overacheiver, I mean I try to do everything and help everyone. I need to find a happy medium. Ok, I'm rambling and I know it. Feelings? I am feeling excited about my upcoming appointment (Aug.2 and 3/00) 45 days till I leave. Okay a month and a half, but the surgery will be about 4 weeks later. So 10 weeks until my surgery. 70 days...hehe. I do not think I will have the patience to wait for the rny doctor. I am anxious to lose weight. {{June 20, 2000}} Sorry for not posting for a while, I not been saving correctly and I thought I couldn't add anymore to my page (?), but I think I have it figured out now, so I should be able to update regularly. I have actually started getting out of my rut! I cleaned out two bedrooms in my house (we have three), and I took out a truckload of boxes and garbage. I also found a textbook I needed for a course I am doing and started working on it. So far, during the last two days of work, I accomplished more than in the last two weeks! I am getting my mojo back! (lol). I don't think I have stayed in a rut this long before. It is scary really to have absolutely no motivation or stamina. (Maybe it's the antidepressants finally kicking in :). I have been going to the doctor on a regular basis for my persistent cold symptoms, sinus infection, stuff like that. As well, my DF and my children have been sick off and on too. I live about 25 minutes away from a doctor's office, so a trip to the doctor takes a few hours altogether with waiting time. Okay I am boring you. I would like to post a email my friend sent me about my weight loss surgery:[[[Hi Shawna, Everything is fine, It's nice to hear that you are having fun with baseball. How's Joes' leg? Our flooring project is coming along, slowly but surely. Were taking our time so we can do a great job. Did I tell you I've been experiencing depression lately as well? I'm sure it is just a mild form of it, but unpleasant just the same. I really don't know what to make of he surgery. You didn't address the food issue, how come? I thought you would be upset, are you? I know someone who has had the surgery as well, I'm not sure which level. I think I'll talk to her. She is still pretty big. Her stomache hangs alot, you can even see it through her clothes. I know you will probably do the surgery no matter what the risks are, but if I were you I'd check myself into a clinic first. I still can't help but think that you haven't faced your eating habbits yet. I'm sorry! I guess I'm trying to get a reation out of you. I'm not erasing though, I think it needs to be said. Well only you yourself really knows and if you can't face it or at least admit it; then I believe your wasting your time with the surgery. It's like an aloholic who says they want to quite drinking, but even when caught insists he's not drinking. I may be way off base with you, Shawna, but in my heart I should have said this very thing to you years ago. Harshly if
necessary, that is what a true friend would do, even if it means you hate me.]]] Well what do you think? I was really surprised that my friend of 10+ years has finally found it in her heart to let me in on the fact that I have an eating problem! I recieved this email a few weeks ago and I was disappointed that I really did not know all these years that she really though if I would just quit being a glutton, I would lose weight! I am not pissed with her for stating honestly what she feels, but why hasn't she told me sooner? How many times was I discussing my weight loss plan, exercise plan, etc, and she was thinking-just quit being a pig???? Oh well its done and overwith, now. It is amazing how uncomfortable people are with the fact that I want the surgery, I am going to get the surgery, and I will lose weight. I think my being overweight has been a sort of equalizer for the people that know me--what I mean is, I have never had any drug or alcohol problems, I am a good mother, I don't fool around, etc, etc, etc, so my being fat brings me down to their level, standards, morals in a sense. I am not speaking of my friend who sent me the above email really, I am talking about others who are judging me. It's really hard to get an objective opinion because online I talk to women who want the surgery or have had the surgery, so naturally most are positive about the surgery. My spouse is supportive. Others seem to be against it. If anyone wants to comment about this, please email me at [email protected]. {{Later, same day}}Well, I'm almost done for the day - paid work anyways, now to go home and start my real work. I need to get going on my goal to start moving again, although I am not as worried now because, like I said earlier, I am getting out of my rut. Please have a good day and thanks for reading my journal. :) {{June 21, 2000}} Hi. I worked on my course last night for two hours. I am almost ready to do my first quiz-there are seven, then I have a final exam worth 65% of my mark. I really have to know my stuff. The course is called Psychology 387-Learning, it's about behavioral analysis. It is actually a very useful course because it teaches you ways to change people's behavior (kids, hubby, coworkers). It is perfect timing because my children are getting progressively harder to handle. Fiance and I are doing fine. We are making plans for our wedding, which will not be the traditional white wedding dress/tux/church/reception affair. I am Native American Cree and I am going to be married according to our culture. In the last few years, I have been learning about the Cree culture and my Dad takes part in cultural activities like pow wows, round dances, and sweats. My DF and I decided we would like to be married the old way. The pow wow grounds on our town are right outside our backyard fence, so at least we won't be driving to the church, except maybe in a horse drawn carriage. We will be married with a traditional ribbon ceremony and there will be a round dance to follow, which is where anyone can dance, socialize, etc. It is not an occasion for drinking alcohol, which is fine by me and my DF because we seldom drink. Our outfits will be made by me and my closest female relatives and friends. My full length dress or skirt and his ribbon shirt, will be made of white doeskin. The entire process takes a year, I guess, before the actual wedding. We each find elders of our own sex to guide us in our duties up to the marriage and to counsel and advise us when we are having difficulties. The marriage involve many people, about 75 % relatives, I'm assuming. I am not sure how this sounds to everyone. I hope it doesn't sound sexist or anything because it is not. In the old days, if a Cree woman was not happy with her man, she merely placed his belongings outside of her teepee and she was divorced (lol). I am not sure if my fiance knows this (hehe). The weight loss battle goes on. I ate so many prunes the other day, my stomach is still rumbling. I don't know why, but I really enjoy them. I guess it's a sweet healthy snack, that's not going to stay with you... {{Later same day}} I was surfing again and I got excited (no not that way lol) because I looked up my doctor on a Canada site and it says he does the adjustable gastric band. Now I wasn't sure if the procedure was even approved in Canada, but I was hoping...Anyways, I called the office to check this out because I really didn't want the VBG, I need more than that I think. Well, she tells me he was going to do it, but it was too political to get it approved! Yeah I had my hopes up. I printed out a list of all the Canadian doctors, so I could check out waiting lists, and most of them are 1-2 years long. Dr.Nohr, the one that does RNY (gastric bypass), can see me in October and operate in April or May. I think I may end up waiting for him instead of getting the VBG from Dr Hollingsworth (the one I don't really want), especially now that i find out he does it open not lap. How come we can't get doctors like the ones in the states???? I don't know, what do you think? Thanks for reading...Shawna {{June 22, 2000}} Hi. I saw my primary care provider (Dr. Payne) yesterday after work. I discussed with him my options for weight loss surgery. I told him I could get the VBG in early September, or I could get the RNY (gastric bypass) next May. I siad I would like to have the initial consultation with bith doctors before I actually go under the knife. He agreed it was the best idea. He then proceeded to tel me that all of the operations will make me lose weight for a few years and within five years I will be back close to the weight I am now (276 lbs)! Needless to say, I was shocked. He said generally people don't change their eating habits enough, etc and they gain it back in-his experience. He could tell I was surprised and he said to be sure, when I go to the initial consultations, to ask for statistics on success rates, etc, and to trust them because they know what they are doing. He doesn't claim to be a pro on weight loss surgery, but has definite opinions about it. I wanted to ask him how come he wanted to refer me years ago, when in the long run, he considers it a failure. I did ask him what was the point of getting it, and he said to have five years of happiness,etc. How sad. I was depressed after that which only compounded my PMS and my disappointment over having a flat tire on the way to the doctor's office. I left he said I was looking good, which may have been, but I could tell he was saying that because he felt bad. Now I am really confused about all this. 1)I want surgery to help me lose weight,2)I want the surgery soon,3)I want the most effective surgery possible,4) I want it done laprascopically if possible. If I can wait until May, I will get the surgery I want, and I think he does it laprascopically. The only thin is the wait, but maybe time will give me the chance to get a little more healthy and lose a little before the surgery. {{June 23, 2000}} It's Friday, and I haven't been so tired on a Friday lately, especially from actually doing my work! I recieved the information package in the mail about the VBG. There is a video, so I am going home to watch it soon. I am mixed up right now...I'll update soon. {{June 29, 2000}} Hello. I am sorry about not posting for so long. I thought my page wasn't accessible and I kind of gave up temporarily. I have lots to catch up on. After I went home (see previous post) I watched the video. Dr. Hollingsworth explains it quite well. The only tube in me will be the ng tube in my nose to my stomach. The reason for this is: your stomach produces all this fluid and the tube drains it. After 24 hours, they clamp the tube for an hour or two to see how much fluid is being produced they then open the clamp, if too much fluid come out they leave it of only a little fluid comes out, they take out the tube. I am not sure how long the IV stays in, but with me it will be only as long as necessary because I bitch and complain until they remove it. In this case, though, I realize I will need the fluids, so I won't start complaining until the 3rd day. (lol) I also haveto purchase an abdominal binder. A friend of mine had the VBG by abother surgeon and did not have to wear a abdominal binder, so I know my stomach will not just burst open or something like that if it is not there. However, from some of the journals I have read, it is better to wear the binder and after to wear tummy control panties. They are supposed to help your front area shrink. I am not sure of this, but I won't mind wearing tummy control panties. I also, get ready for this, have to quit smoking. When you smoke, the little hair in your lungs stop functioning to remove particles, etc. The functioning of these little hairs is essential to proper recovery after a general anasthetic (sp). One cigarette can keep the cilia immobilized! Tomorrow I have preop tests, and I have to fast and not drink or smoke for 14 hours, so I figured tomorrow is the day to quit. Last night I was writing in my journal (i do not have a computer at home) and I wrote out a realistic weight loss after the surgery. It went something like this (my goal is to be 150 lbs): Surgery Sept1-276lbs, Oct1-251(25 lb loss), Nov1-231(20lb), Dec1-221(10lb), Jan1-213(8lb), Feb1-205(8lb), Mar1-197(8lb), Apr1-189(8lb) I'm thinking here I shoud be able to wear those size 36 jeans, although it has been so long I am not sure which weight will put me at size 36, May1-188(8lb), Jun1-180(8lb)
Jul1-172(8lb), Aug1-166(8lb), Sept1-158 (8lb), Oct1-150(8lb). Do you think 126 pounds in 13 months is unrealistic? Overall it averages out to 10 lbs per month. Some may think my expectations are too high, others may think I can lose faster than that with the surgery. Please comment! The reason my goal weight is 150 lbs is because I like lifting weights. I don't want to be Zena, but I do like the nice firm back and shoulders and butt. Should the creator ever grant me a flat stomach, I would like to work it up to a six pack lol who would have ever thought I would be thinking of ways to get a six pack??? This surgery will be so liberating :) I am looking forward to not smoking. (remember this is coming from an intelligent, educated person raising children lol) I have asthma. I use a puffer to ease my breathing and yes I smoke. Dumb. Remember this is the last time I will be posting as a smoker! Tomorrow I am smart! I am going to ask the people in my clubs at yahoo to come visit my site and give me feedback. Bye for now. Shawna. {{July 4, 2000}} Hello again. I had a very busy weekend. My DF plays baseball, and his team entered a tournament (about 3 1/2 hours away). We took the boys and camped there for 2 nights. Believe it or not it was the first time I have ever camped overnight. I loved it. There was showers there, so I was fine. I am not sure I would have loved it if I couldn't shower (lol). His team did not do well. The funny thing is, when they play their league games, they blast the competition - 21-7 or 28-5, but the tournaments scare them or something. It was suggested that maybe they are too confident (hehe), I think this may be the case. I got a tan, too. I don't try to tan (I usually use tons of sunscreen, but I couldnt find it), my legs were so white...they're not anymore. Surgery: I am getting used to the wait. I went for the tests on Friday. I normally get very nervous about bloodwork, because my veins are hard to find. I was admitted into the hospital once and they poked me 14 time in an attempt to start an IV and they couldnt get one. I also had a very traumatic experience as a child, when I was belted down and blood was taken from my neck - I was terrified (I think they should have explained it to me at the time...I didn't know what was happening). Well I did not get scared when the guy took blood! He had to take 5 vials out of me, and I did tell him to make it quick, because I get sick to my stomach if the needle is in too long...he was quick and I only felt a little bit sick. My heart was also monitored for a few second, and I had a chest xray. The reason I am recalling all this is that I think I will be able to handle the surgery calmly. I recently had my first anxiety attack, and I was worried I would have one before surgery, but I think I will be fine. I read my entire journal today...I was curious about how I come across - do I sound obsessive or strange????? lol. I wonder if I seem different from the real me... I'm a psychology major okay...I overanalyze everything (lol)! Anyways, 28 days 'till I leave for Cardston for my first consult...I know I'll be fine. Have a wonderful week and thanks for reading. Shawna.
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