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This Is My Eating Disorder Story and A Poem Called If Rivers Could Run Backwards
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Welcome to my webpage everyone and thanks for visiting.
This is my story and my battle with my eating disorder. I hope whoever read this finds courage, hope, and strength in this story. We can make it through an eating disorder and win. You are valuable and lovable. Please remember you are always important and always loved even if it doesn't always feel that way. I am always here for you to listen, help, offer advice or just be a sounding board. I care about each and everyone of you.
I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you a little about me. Hi, I'm Kathryn my friends call my Kate. I've had an eating disorder for eight years. I have been trying to recover for a while I have been in recovery for about seven months. I am a senior in college at a University in Illinois. Currently I'm majoring in elementary education and special education. I am also a support group leader over the net. I also was married on May twenty second 1999. After I graduate I will go back to school where I hope to earn my masters degree in counseling. Then someday I would like to earn my doctorate in counseling. The reason I chose this major for post graduate work is because I want to be an eating disorders counselor. So, I can help people overcome their eating disorders and also prevent people from falling into an eating disorder. I think awareness is one of the most important things in the prevention of eating disorders. I think awareness can be brought about by educating children, teenagers and adult.
I wanted to share my eating disorder experience with you because it definitely hurts but that hurt can be healed slowly. Reaching out is the first step in healing. I have had my eating disorders for eight years. My bulimia/anorexia began at the beginning of my freshman year of high school. I have been through eating disorder outpatient and inpatient programs through out this journey. When my eating disorder first started I was fourteen and a half and in many different sports. I was in gymnastics, figure skating, swimming, soccer, cheer-leading, and dance. I wanted to be the best at what I did. I wanted to be perfect and please my coaches. My coaches and I put lots of pressure on me. I figured that if I dropped weight I would be able to compete better, be more popular and be happier. I figured losing weight was a "cure all" to the problems that I was dealing with. I was so wrong it only created more problems emotionally and physically for me. So, I went on a diet to try to lose weight, thinking that if I lost weight I would be more competitive in gymnastics and other sports. Erica Stokes once said, "the thinner you are the easier it is to do a trick in gymnastics." For gymnasts we know that's all to true. I also wanted to tone up and become more graceful for dance, swim faster in swimming to win more races, and run faster for soccer. When I would eat I felt like I had to get rid of the calories. I never thought this would turn into an eating disorder. My friends found out about my eating disorder and diet pills so they went to my school guidance counselor.
My brother and I grew up with a verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically
abusive father. My mom needed some stability she used to tell me that I held the family together with my love and understanding. She knew me and thought my dieting wouldn't get out of control. As I said before I never thought this diet would turn into an eating disorder. If this disorder was about eating then we would all eat and be okay but it isn't all about that. If it was that easy I think I would have ate and been fine. There are many circumstances, problems, and feeling in a person with an eating disorders. It's not just about eating, I used my eating disorder as a coping mechanism. I think people can try to understand an eating disorder but unless they have been there themselves they cannot fully understand.
My sophomore year of high school was when my nana(grandma) died. We were so close, I had a really hard time dealing with this. I still miss her to this day she was an incredible person. After she died I became really depressed and I felt like a piece of me had died with her. My school counselor was really supportive, understanding caring she comforted me when I seemed to need someone there to either talk to or when I just needed someone to listen to me or when I needed a hug. I don't think I could have made it through this without them. I decided not to go out for swimming that year because I was hurting. My heart had felt like it was torn out of my chest and someone was breaking it. Both my school counselor and nurse were sure I'd fall back into my eating disorder so they were really careful. I lost weight but I still managed to weigh enough to keep me out of the hospital.
My senior year I had gained enough weight so, I went out for swimteam. There was a brand new coach named Chris she was so nice and caring. It mattered to her what happened to the team not necessarily how much the team won or lost. I really liked that she was cool and didn't pressure her athletes to win. She didn't think that winning was everything. At this time I was a tutor for a local elementary school, and a teen counselor for a group called IMAGES. I was also an assistant teacher for a preschool class, in dance, and in swimming. Between being busy all the time with all these things I rarely had time to eat. Then during the Spring of my senior year I had an important dance competition coming up and I wanted to drop a few pounds. I decided not to eat anything for an entire week because I wanted to look better in my leotard and other dance outfits. Anyway, our gym class was doing fitness tests and one of the tests was running for twelve minutes. It was Friday and I hadn't eaten in about five and a half days. I had no energy left to do the run but I thought if I didn't do the run that my teacher would think something was going on. I decided to do the run even though I felt really horrible. I finished the run and was just standing there trying to catch my breath. Then suddenly everything closed in and started turning bright I fell to the floor with a thud. I had fainted. My gym teacher from freshman year was in the gym she ran over to me. I heard her yell call for the nurse. I was losing and regaining consciousness . I was really scared. I had never been so scared before in my life. The teacher tried to ask me questions. I couldn't answer her I felt pain, my body was hurting, I felt like I couldn't speak and the room was closing in. Tears streamed down my eyes. My friend Jenny who was standing over me said I hadn't eaten in about five or six days. The nurse had finally came down. She and a teacher helped me to sit in the wheel charier since at this time I was to weak to walk. She brought me down to her office. She let me lay there for a while. She made me eat something. It was hard for me to eat. All I could think about was how many calories were in what I was eating and that I didn't want to get fat. I was so obsessed with calories, weight, and how I looked I didn't realize I was doing major harm to my body. The nurse told me she wished she had something with more calories for me to eat. She told me she was going to have to call my mother and I had to stay there until I finished the food. It took me about an hour to eat. My mother denied I had a problem, I think she still wanted to hold the idea that I couldn't have a problem. That would have shattered her image of having the perfect daughter.
My school guidance counselor referred me to an outside counselor. That's when I met Sue who was a counselor through a local youth counseling agency. At first I hated her I thought I didn't need someone else telling me what to do. However as time went on she became a good friend and someone I could share everything with. I really liked the fact that she challenged me and believed in me and never gave up on me. I miss her to this day. I haven't talked to her in about three and a half years. However, she will always hold a special place in my heart. She was truly an awesome person with a wonderful heart. She was the first person to help me start recovering from my eating disorder. She was also the first person to show me I was lovable and a valuable person and that me just as I am, am lovable. She showed me my strengths and weaknesses and helped me to see how special I really was. As I said she was an amazing person.
I ended up leaving in August for college which was about six hour away from my house where my parents lived. At first everything went well I met the nicest people, I also met Jon and Amy who are my best friends now. By the end of September I was relapsing pretty badly. I was stressed out about school and everything else. I had many things going on in my life I was on hall council, I was a crisis counselor. I was trying to be perfect and all things to all people. October seventh I went in to see a nutritionist on campus to see what could be done to stop my relapse. She wanted me to see a medical doctor. November fourth a day after my nineteenth birthday I went to see him. He talked with me for a while and did a bunch of tests including blood tests. I was afraid of telling him everything but Lynn the nutritionist was right there and told him everything. After I saw him he decided he wanted me to go into an eating disorders outpatient program. I worked with these people for my freshman year of college. I continued to work with Dr. Perkins all three years I was at my college. He constantly challenged me and continued to believe in me even when I wanted to give up. He told me once that my therapist, nutritionist and he were my cheerleading squad cheering me on to recovery. I still hold on to those words when things get tough.
Well, to make an even longer story as short as possible. I am now senior in college. I still struggle with my eating disorder. Some mornings I wake up and ask myself Kate are you going to love yourself today or are you going to hate yourself. I am currently working with a therapist. I am a peer education and am involved in college activities. If you have any questions please feel free to ask me I would be more than happy to try and answer them. I want you to know that I understand what people with eating disorders go through. Trust me I have been through this and am still going through this struggle. I will be here to listen, support, encourage and offer advice. In one of the programs I was in we used to have a motto that said: ?You place your hand in mine and what you can?t do alone we can do together.? I love that quote. I think it?s so true in life there will be things we can?t do alone and we need to reach out and ask for help. The moment we can do this is the moment we begin to heal.
This is also a poem I would like to share with everyone...
If Rivers Could Run Backwards If words could be unwritten and songs could be unsung,If rivers could run backwards and wrongs could be undone,If the wisdom that comes only from experience of years Could be learned in some way other than by crying one's own tears, Our stories would be different-the scars left would be few,If only we had known back then the things, that no one knew. But in this note of sadness, the story does not end, For love and truth do triumph and the brokenness does mend.
Anorexia nervosa and bulimia-how sad, the people say, That a perfect young woman would choose to waste away. There must be a good reason-perhaps she was too fat. For what other purpose would she want to live like that? Anyone with any sense can see it's gone too far. Why don't her parents stop her? This is getting quite bizarre! She has become too skinny-while eating like a horse, With hours in the bathroom to pursue her secret course.
Her family's so perfect-not a flaw that we can see, The American dream personified, enacted in 3-D. It must be all the lessons, or the clothes we see her wear. If it were me, I would be grateful, but it seems she doesn't care. It really is unusual, the way she spends her time. She runs by here at seven, then at three, again at nine. She used to be so happy, so alive, so much a part, That her loneliness and sorrow racing by me breaks my heart.
What is it that happens that turns laughter into tears, Transforms a vibrant girl into a skeleton of fears?There is no simple answer-no formula-no gene, Just conjecture, speculation, based on what's so far been seen. Of theories, there are many, but none adequately explain How starvation and vomiting can serve to lessen pain. Some say it is the mother; others say it is the dad; While others say it's neither cause it's just a passing fad.
My story is unique to me although I have discovered That others can relate to it who have not yet recovered. The gate was narrow; the road was hard, that led me back to life. Perhaps by sharing it with you I will lessen some of your strife. Recovery was not permanent until finally I could see The behaviors as the symptoms of what were hurting me. For deep inside, I was afraid and covered how I'd feel With calories and exercise and cooking gourmet meals. My family did the best they could with everything they had. As I look back, I see no blame-no one of us was bad. We related in a way I could not help but misperceive; I saw love as conditional, something one achieved. I looked to other people to make me feel okay. When they asked me who I was, I knew not what to say. I wanted them to love me for the person I was inside, Yet when somebody tried to care, I'd run away and hide!
The dieting and exercise helped me to escape. They protected me and shielded me like a big black cape. Silently I was screaming out for a helping hand, Just someone who would listen and try to understand That what started as a diet was no longer fun, But a prison and a fortress that held me like a gun. To ask for help meant admitting that I let you down. Smiling hurt too much to fake; I didn't know how to frown.
I write as one recovered and one who's filled with hope That the energy misdirected can be used to cope With a world that is imperfect and a family that has tried To do the best with what it had in order to survive. The darkness of despair and fear can be pierced with light, For once love fills the void within; there is an end in sight. The process of recovery brings healing to the home. It stills the hunger deep inside with a peace as yet unknown.
Anorexics and bulimics! I challenge you right now To trust in someone close to you and let them teach you how To face the fears down deep inside beneath the fear of fat, For that is just a smokescreen and covers where they're at! To seek support from others to whom you choose to tell The pain that you endured and the ways that you have tried To reach our to your loved ones--afraid they might have died.
The path is not an easy one; healing may take years, But victory is possible for everyone who hears. It rarely can be done alone, and thus one must supply. A source of truth and love upon whom you can rely. Some choose faith in God above, others a human course. In either case, healing comes when love's the driving force. Deep within we're all the same and search in our own way. For wisdom, love, and truth to give meaning to each day. If words could be unwritten and songs could be unsung, If rivers could run backwards and wrongs could be undone, If the wisdom that comes only from experience of years Could be learned in some way other than by crying one's own tears, Our stories would be different-the scars left would be few, If only we had known back then the things that no one knew. But in this note of sadness, the story does not end, For love and truth do triumph and the brokenness does mend.
Coping Alternatives From the Something Fishy Site.
Some better ideas for dealing with emotions rather than starving, binge eating and/or purging
Write in your Journal
Listen to your favorite music
Watch a sunset
Color in a coloring book
Tell one person how you feel
Take a long hot bath
Hug someone safe
Take a long drive
Take a leisurely walk
Rent your favorite movie
Call an old friend
Read a book
Throw nerf balls, koosh balls or bean-bags at a wall (available at most toy stores)
Remind Yourself "It'll be Ok"
Take a deep breath, count to 10
Go to a favorite "safe" location (beach, park, woods, playground, etc.)
Think of advice you'd give someone else... and take it!
Say something good about yourself
Use Self Affirmation tapes and books... and make your own (use notebooks, index cards, tapes, post-it notes, journal)
Meditate, use Relaxation
Hold and/or tell your favorite stuffed animal or doll your feelings
Find an e-mail pal or join a chatroom for support
Stay in touch with others through contact - don't isolate yourself
Count up 1 to 10 then back 10 to 1
Call someone on the phone
Listen to yourself breathe - Do deep breathing
Don't be afraid to ask for help
Hold someone's hand (someone safe)
Call your therapist
Fight the voices - change the negatives to positives
Dance to music
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