Announcer: When we last left "The WENN Files" so long ago, Sherwood and Roberts were just about to finish answering some of the viewer mail. We now bring you another exciting adventure of..."The WENN Files."
Roberts: Sherwood, could you possibly go to the green room to get me a glass of water before we get this show on the road?
Sherwood: Why, Roberts, you know I'd do anything for you. [He leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.]
Roberts: Finally gone! Now I can finish this last letter. Susan of New Jersey adds in her postscript, "This one's for Roberts: Do you really want Scott to go to London?" Now, I might add, this is quite a personal question and I haven't exactly decided if I want to answer it yet. However, I have decided that Sherwood can't hear my answer, positive or negative. Since we already have Victor here at the station and he has done a wonderful job in the past, we don't exactly need Sherwood here at the station. However, Sherwood is quite the motivator. He manages to get the most unusual performances out of Hilary and he can rally the cast and crew around his bizarre plans. But that's speaking on a purely station-level. For me personally, well, I haven't decided yet. I want Sherwood to do what is best for the war effort and if it means he has to go to London, well then, he has to go to London. That doesn't mean I won't miss him though...
Sherwood: Bettybettybetty! I never knew!
Roberts: (suspiciously) Knew what?
Sherwood: Don't try to fool me. There's a radio on in the green room. I just heard your whole speech. Glad to know that someone will miss me once I'm gone.
Roberts: When are you leaving, anyway?
Sherwood: I dunno. Whenever the military decides. Now that I know you care, shall we continue on with the rest of the mailbag?
Roberts: Okay. Our next letter comes from Brit Graves of Fayetteville, Arkansas. She writes, "Dear Sherwood and/or Roberts and/or whomever answers this mail every so often. To quote a guy that used to come into the store I used to work at; "Lemme astd you a querstion!" (Yes, that is spelled correctly, although I can't get the proper dictation down for you on a screen)"
Sherwood: Well, let me just say that I think Roberts did a commendable job attempting to pronounce that odd spelling of question.
Roberts: Would you like to read the rest of the question?
Sherwood: I thought you'd never ask. Brit continues, "Due to the fact that THE EVIL NETWORK-"
Roberts: She certainly feels vehemently about some EEEEEVIL network. Wonder who she's talking about?
Sherwood: Can I continue?
Roberts: Of course. I would never want to interupt one of your performances. [She chuckles.]
Sherwood: "-has still not made a decision on WENN's future, how will you keep yourself occupied in the interim? Have you any hobbies? Play any sports? Dance any ballet? (Sherwood, this last question doesn't apply to you, although your earlier admission of the dislike of ballet makes me wonder if it's just a cover...) I am anxious to hear your reply what with THE EVIL NETWORK banned from my telly-vision and my dog grooming class put on hold because of the fire (Oops.). "
Roberts: What is it with the EEEEVIL network? And what does she mean by "made a decision of WENN's future?" I know "The WENN Files" has had their share of troubles staying on the air-
Sherwood: That and the darned intern hasn't been writing in what seems like forever. If we got more mail though, we might be able to put on more shows.
Roberts: Anyway, as I was saying, "The WENN Files" has had their trouble of staying on the air, but even we have overcome that problem. I don't understand why everyone has to insist that WENN doesn't have a future!
Sherwood: Well, let's get back to the point of the question. What are our hobbies/sports/interests/ballet dancing habits? For once, I can say that I am pretty busy just working at WENN and trying to come up with new and exciting ways to woo Roberts. Oh, and schemes to keep WENN out of the red and into the black, but with A.D. Comstock as station manager, I don't get to put those into action very often any more.
Roberts: How do you feel about ballet, Sherwood? Brit thinks that your admission of dislike is just a cover. Are you really a ballet dancer?
Sherwood: No!!!!
Roberts: (coaxingly) C'mon Sherwood. Admit the truth! You dance ballet! You wear tights and leotards!
Sherwood: NOOOO!
Roberts: I don't believe you. You're denying it a little too vehemently for it to be the truth.
Sherwood: Oh all right. I can't believe I'm admitting this on live radio. I used to take ballet lessons when I was younger. Along with my sister Sheryl. I hated it. I still hate it. But I can still do most of the lifts. I'll demonstrate them if you want Roberts.
Roberts: Okay, let's see what you can do- Ooof!! Put me down Sherwood! I wasn't volunteering to be your ballerina.
Sherwood: Oh, Roberts, won't you be my pretty ballerina?
Roberts: If you let me down I'll think about it. [Sherwood puts her down.]
Sherwood: Yes?
Roberts: I'm not a ballerina. So why would I be yours? Let's get back to the question at hand. Well, as you have gathered, I don't dance any ballet. However, during the extremely tiny amount of free time that I have, I'm busy writing short stories for submission to The New Yorker. (whispers) Don't tell anyone, but sometimes when I don't feel like writing scripts, I'll work on my stories here. (begins again loudly) I also do knitting and needlepoint when I ride the trolley to and from work.
Sherwood: Have you ever considered knitting me a sweater? It's a good way to say "Sherwood, I will miss you." And with Valentine's Day coming up...
Roberts: No. I'm busy with a wedding present for Mr. Foley and Eugenia right now. I don't think I could squeeze in a sweater for you right now.
Sherwood: Okay, I think we have finished that question. Although now I'm kind of interested in what kind of person takes dog grooming lessons, but we'll leave that for another day.
Roberts: Our final question comes from Sarah Wall of Hotmail.
Sherwood: Where exactly is Hotmail from? I've never heard of that place and I've sailed all over the world.
Roberts: Yes, Sherwood, we know all about you and your sailing experiences. I honestly don't know where the heck Hotmail is, but it was the return address on her letter. Pray let me continue. Sarah says, "will amc have an episode of Remeber WENN to tie up all the questions left at the end of the last season?"
Sherwood: Despite Sarah's annoying habit of writing only in lowercase letters, I think we can come up with an answer.
Roberts: Who does this girl think she is, e.e. cummings?
Sherwood: Who the heck is e.e. cummings? Who is he to you?!
Roberts: Calm down Sherwood. He's a poet. I've only read his poetry, though that shouldn't make a difference to you!
Sherwood: Oh alright. Let's focus on the question.
Roberts: I don't think we can. We've run out of time.
Announcer: And with that, we wrap up another exciting episode. Stay tuned for another thrilling episode of..."The WENN Files!"
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"The WENN Files" is written on an extremely odd basis by Rebecca Immich, who would love to be an strange intern at WENN.
"Remember WENN" and all of its characters are copyrighted by Rupert Holmes, AMC and other legal people. No copyright infringement is intended; just a shameless rip-off of Chris Carter's creation.