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Good evenin laydeez n genermunnnn, here he is, funny man Neil Rickarby...cue muted applause
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A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the barman for a pint and the barman asks, "Do you want to enter our competition?" The guy asks "What do you have to do?" The barman replies: "Just get those two pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink." The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate, the steaks are too high!"
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I thank yow...
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A golfer is out on the course, about to play his shot, and hears a voice from the bushes: "Pssst!" He tries to ignore it and settles down again to take the shot. He hears the voice again: "Pssst! Got a bit of paper?" He frowns, and tries once more, but then he hears it again: "Psssst! Got a bit of paper?" He then gets totally exasperated, but refuses to stop playing. Finally he hears the voice again: "Got a fiver for five pound coins?"
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har har...
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A man walks into a pub and hears this voice behind him: "Oi, you scruffy bastard", and spins round but there's no-one there, then he hears a voice right under his nose, saying: "What a fine looking chap you are", and he is now very confused. He asks the barman: "What's with these voices then?" The barman says: "The cigarette machine's out order and the peanuts are complimentary".
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