Quotes

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes." - President Richard Nixon

"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company

If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. -Albert Einstein

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is,

if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "

"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe

laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either

of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."

"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis

" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."

"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."

"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,

but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate."

"It's OK for him to ponce about in the kitchen spending hours cooking, but I bet he doesn't have to juggle picking up the kids

An un-named mother's response to M. Blanc.

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.

They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think,

"I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.

You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.

- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."

"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either."

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer."

"Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."

"The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind."

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

"When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation."

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."

"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her."

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."

"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."

"I know nothing about sex, because I was always married."

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick."

"When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living."

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."

"We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him."

"I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back."

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe

laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is

attractive, but I have photographs of her."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

"Lord, if you won't make me skinny, please make all my friends fat."

"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --

"It is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. It is how he found out!"

"He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass."

"When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually."

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers."

"Going to bed with a woman never hurt a baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for them that does a guy in." --

"Those pills can't be habit forming.....I've been taking them for years."

"When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."

"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)...

"My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." -

"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

"The New England Jornal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot."

"Old fishermen never die - they just smell that way." -

"He may have hairs on chest - but sister, so has Lassie." --

"Last week, I was in a hotel room so small that when I opened the door, I broke the window."

"I asked my wife where she wanted to go on her vacation. She said someplace she's never been before. I said, 'How about the kitchen?'"

"He's so lazy. I've seen him step into a revolving door and wait."

"According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You'd think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street."

"I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice."

"If you laid all the cars in America end to end, you'd have something almost as bad as what I face on the way home every night."

"You know you're getting old when you begin to realize that history textbooks include events you remember reading about in newspapers."

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -

"Last time I tried to make love to my wife, nothing was happening, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'" -

"There must be 500,000 rats in the United States; of course, I am only speaking from memory."

"If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon."

"The biggest lie in life used to be 'The check is in the mail.' Now it's 'Push here to open'." -

"I left home to marry a man whom no one liked, and after I married him, I didn't like him either."

"I used to find him boring until I stopped listening." --

"You know it's bedtime when you start reading with your face." --

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"

"Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood."

"Give up all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive." -

"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." -

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."

"Have you ever noticed...Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." -

"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." -

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." --

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." -

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." -

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."

"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."

"It's easy to quit smoking....I've done it over 10,000 times." --

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk." -

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them,

you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

"In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?

"There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting."

The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him -

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We the willing, following the unknowing are doing the impossible. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now able to do anything with nothing.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees

- upon being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks.

You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better

I don't mind where people make love, so long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

I like to wake up each morning felling a new man. -

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat

word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching

them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,

despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like

shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind

yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of

the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"

The best inheritance parents can give their children is

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they

don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."

"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder"

-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all"

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"

-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people that make them unsafe"

-Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"The internet is a great way to get on the net"

-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

-Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins

-Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."

-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."

-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"

-Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."

-Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."

-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."

-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

"If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips."

"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."

"Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet."

"There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"I am always looking for meaningful one night stands."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."

"Sex is the invention of a very clever venereal disease."

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."

"My ultimate fantasy is to entice a man to my bedroom, put a gun to his head and say, 'Make babies or die'."

"I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."

"Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk."

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"I would read Playboy magazine more often, but my glasses keep steaming over."

"I know nothing about sex because I was always married."

"Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."

"I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy."

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

"I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time."

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I get a lunch hour. Respect it or buy yourself a slave.

We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little

that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

The stages of a project : (1) Enthusiasm, (2) Depression, (3) Panic, (4) Search for the guilty, (5) Punishment of the innocent,

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

If this person breaches their contract, they will be terminated. And I don't mean fired.

There are 2 rules for success in life : 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

I love giving opinions, I've got hundreds.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

I had to hit him : he was starting to make sense.

Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.

If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

There are some people we *want* to offend.

Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?

I'd explain it to you, but your head would blow up.

We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.

Remember the world is a big place. Even if you're one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker.

On tonights show we'll also find out if the second amendment protects the rights of cows to carry short range tactical nuclear weapons...

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what's left of your unit."

- PS Magazine, US Army's preventative maintenance publication, 1993.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable.

"But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who

grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."

- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

"I will be on C-SPAN’s Washington Journal tomorrow morning from 8 to 10am ET. God help me. I haven’t got up that early since around 1987."

I am all in favour of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled.

If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.

I don't intend to offend; I just offend with my intent.

I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff.

Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequen

tly get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.

After an incident in Croydon involving a police van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble.

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

Give an eight-year old, a bouncer, or a journalist a walkie-talkie and pretty soon scenes from Where Eagles Dare will be re-enated.

That was the world we inhabited on Wednesday night.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: Low Wages for Long Hours of Arduous Labour under Brutal Conditions; Months of Continual Darkness and Extreme Cold;

Great Risk to Life and Limb from Disease, Accidents and Other Hazards; Small Chance of Fame in Case of Success.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuba

n refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I don

't perspire. Children trust me. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week.

- In response to the "Anything else" section on an application form

Be wary of strong spirits. It can make you shoot at tax collectors ... and miss.

The Attorney for the Defense will quit referring the Prosecutor as "Demon Spawn from Hell".

- Judge to [anti-choice] | [pro-life] attorney David Broderick.

A Sobering Thought: What if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?

<Insert Name> - Alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force.

It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

He who gets a name for early rising can stay in bed until midday.

The wearer best knows where the shoe pinches.

The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get.

A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider,

"because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster : "I wish the toaster to be happy too"

As you know, Joel, children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.

This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said,

"Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday.

In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts

also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.

You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie Newmar.

It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. Fourteen times.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it?

What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.

A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.

I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done..

Puritan : Someone who is afraid that, somewhere, someone else is having a good time.

Eloquence : The ability to describe Kim Basinger without using one's hands.

Highbrow : A man who can listen to the William Tell overture without thinking of Robin Hood.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Mustgo, n. : Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.

Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.

The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.

- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them."

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."

- Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."

- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."

- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."

- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."

- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell."

"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."

- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

"Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes."

"One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'"

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."

I Need More Picturez For My Site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If You Have Any Picturez Of Girlz That You Think Are Fine E-Mail Them

To Me And I'll Post Them Up The Same Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My E-Mail Address is

Don't Forget To Put Your Name And The Name Of The Person Thats In The Picture

And I'll Post It And Give You Props For The Pictures