Joel Verlin For President In 2004!

WELCOME TO JOELVERLIN.COM! | home

Use this banner to link to support me as your next President Of The United States Of America!

THE OFFICIAL JOEL VERLIN FOR 2004 PLATFORM ISSUE STATMENT...

The Energizer Bunny And The Old Navy Fashion Plane

Take them off of the air and give the bunny to the Army for target practice and let the Air Force handle the "Old Navy" plane...can you say "sidewinder" ?

Foreign Aid (Execptions For Disasters and Whatnot)

Foreign Aid?? In The Middle Of A Recession? What are they, nuts? We've got enough to worry about. Like maybe all those homeless...hmmmmmm?

Layoff all of congress and have them find out what it's like to pound the pavement. After some personal experience, maybe they'll get off they're butts and do something. Then give their fat pension plans over to help the blue collar workers get a nice cost of living increase! Calls for approval of system that they can balance budget under the key Pez Candy Maxium Realization Deflation Principal.

All Those Nice Anti-American Dictator Type Smegheads

Send Them A "Special" Flower Bouquet Courtesy Of The CIA, You Know The Kind That Ticks...

Humanitarian Efforts In The Midst Of Barbarians

We're being awfully nice to jerks who don't even let the UN in, introduce them to the B-2 bomber. Then, when all their toys are gone, send in the humanitarian aid. Also... Send the B-2 to Iraq if they keep up this denying inspection **** !

Form a blue-ribbon investigation panel to find out if he can actually make a video in which he doesn't grab his crotch.

(I wrote this one in 1992...isn't it amazing that some things _never_ change?)

Savings And Loans

Officially Submit New Acronym For Appropriate Banks So Customers Can Be Warned: SOL

Insurance Companies

Make them read "How To Win Friends And Influence People" By Dale Carnigie !

Traffic Congestion and Traffic Courtesy

Borrow The Delorean From Doc Brown, Zap Into The 23rd Century And Get The Transporter Blueprints From Starfleet and anyone who is seen acting like a schmuck on the highway will have their license _revoked_ !

TELEPHONE SOLICITING

Bill establishes new time/conditions when calls are allowed -- between 12:00:00-12:00:01 P.M. on odd number days of odd numbered leap years when Jupiter and Venus are aligned properly and it's hailing outside.

BELLY BUTTON LINT

Established status quo lacks direction/diversity. Plans include examination of all availible options -- consideration favorable for some type of action to be taken in specified "areas of concern."

Drive Thru Windows

Make A New Law…They can give you more then two whole napkins…and if you have to wait longer then 10 minutes…it's free!

SO CAST YOUR VOTE…Hey…if Bill Clinton can get elected…and…IF JESSIE "The Body/The Mind" Ventura can get elected…why not a poet????

Joel Verlin For 2000' -

- He Plays A Starfleet Admiral, A Doctor (With Many Degrees In Humorology; Is A Certifiable Punoloigst) And A Wrestling Superstar On The Internet - Can Actually Keep His Pants On… - Has Never Even Smoked A Cigar - Has A GREAT Attitude! - Has Johnny Horton's "Sink The Bismarck" Memorized - Is A PROFESSIONAL Air Guitarist - Has Awesome Telephone Skills! - Is A MP3.com artist - Is involved In Toastmasters - Does Great Nixon And Elvis Impressions!

What are you waiting for?

The following has been paid for by the Joel Verlin For President Campaign Committee

PRESS CONFERENCE FROM AUGUST, 1999

(Scene: Tampa, Florida, a five star hotel Grand Ballroom. The place is

packed with reporters from every major network and the camera flash as the

Public Relations person for the hotel is at the microphone and is

ready to begin the proceedings.)

Hotel PR Person: And now here is the man who has been making waves...here is

the man with the mega plan...and the NEXT President of the United

States...Mister Joel Maurice Verlin!

(Joel makes his way out in a modest three piece suit while the following

song plays in the backround...)

You can't take no for an answer!

(Joel flexes like a professional wrestler and points high to the sky, like

Babe Ruth while the cameras pop and flash...must be about a hundred

reporters and many hundred onlookers there...)

Whenever there's a dream worth a-dreaming (dreaming!)

And you wanna see that dream come true (dream come true!)

There'll be plenty people talking

"Forget all about it"

Say "it isn't worth the trouble--

All the trouble that you're going through!" (it ain't worth it-NO!)

Well, what can you do?

(Joel has many security personnel with him all dressed in Men In Black

attire, while Joel leads some of the crowd in a sing along, some nut throws

several balloons up into the air and people start to hit it back and

You can't take no for an answer! (you can't take no)

You can't take no for an answer! (no no no no)

You can't take no for an answer!

(Service personnel push around carts of FREE beverages such as Arizona Iced

Tea (All flavors), Starbucks Iced Coffee...Zima...what is a Zima anyway?)

Whatcha gonna do when the dimes get tough

and the world's treating you unkind?

You gotta hang on to your optimistic outlook

And keep possession of your positive state-of-mind

(state of mind, state of mind, state of mind, state, state, mind!)

(Joel finishes with a classic Elvis gesture...pulls a twinkie out of his

coat pocket and tosses it out to a lucky female reporter in the front row

who catches it and faints dead away and yet more female onlookers toss their

roomkeys to Joel...oh...and Joel has managed to make it all the way to the

podium and lectern without tripping on any electric cords or anything else

of that nature...Joel does a classic Nixon two finger gesture and waits for

the storm of adoration to abate.)

Joel: Thanks for that warm introduction..and ladies...anyone want to shag, baby? By the

you to know that I may be too sexy for this election but I am running

anyway. Here's a brief prepared statement...

(Joel clears his throat.)

Joel: We have a leader whom is lead not by his brain but rather by...ahem...something else. We have

shocking rampages of both not only mature adults but our young as well. And

the worst thing of all is that trust and good manners are at an all time low

in this Country. We must strive for improvement by improving ourselves so we

can inspire others to improve themselves. For example, I just started out a

workout program with a treadmill...now granted working off 50 calories may

only be one sesame seed from a big mac...but hey, it is a start. You all

know my platform, if not check out the webpage. To quote some well known

songs...we need to have the world on a string, always have a new attitude,

make someone happy, and remember that we're on the Joel For 2000 team and

ain't nothing gonna stop us NOW! After all, why should we walk...when we can

Sports Illustrated: Is there going to be a Joel Verlin in 2000 swimsuit

Joel: I think I need more time on the treadmill first...

Car And Driver: What's your position on transportation?

Joel: Why, I am so glad that you asked that...it's time for a poem!

(Clears throat and sips some Arizona Iced Tea with Ginseng...it's a bummer

that this isn't a paid endorsement here...)

Joel: There's a fellow we all know

Everytime we go out driving we run into tailgate Joe

He's so close, he's up your tailpipe

It's really annoying when he turns on the brights!

He always acts like it's his lane and his road

Rushing around like he has a super important top secret load

I wish I had a James Bond car

Then with me tailgate Joe wouldn't get very far

I'd hit him with the oil slick and watch him swerve

Then let him have it with the thumbtacks if he still had some nerve

Then while we're waiting at the light

If he tries to use the bike lane, I'd hit him with my machine gun headlights

And then I'd tow him to a railroad track

Then the tailgater would become the tailgatee

As a train up his rear would be the last thing tailgate Joe ever sees!

(Joel bows to a roaring thunderous applause. More roomkeys from the female

Entertainment Weekly: Our current leader played to the crowd like you are

doing right now...and we got a bit of a raw deal...why do you not take the

office more seriously?

Joel: Let's see...politics....seriously...nope too words that don't mix

these days. Next question please...

MSNBC: What is your position on the Child Online Protection Act?

Joel: I'll be blunt on that one. This is the "not my job" philosophy at

work. Parents should take it upon themselves to teach their children what is

right to view and not view on the Internet rather then leave that job up to

the government...considering the government has a lot of experience

with...um...positions...ahem. Next?

Religion Today: America has a growing problem in that there is less and less

of a spiritual strength and morality is at an all time low. How do you

porpose to help the country restore it's morality?

Joel: First off, one person can't restore a country's morality, the country

has to do that...we can help each other...with jokes...smiles...hand

shakes...and always, always, always...remembering to say "thank you" and

"please" By the way...do you know what Rabbits put into computers?

(The crowd shakes their head no...they are afraid to ask...)

Joel: Hoppy discs, of course! Next question?

(One massive collective groan is heard.)

HateWatch News.org: On the subject of prejudice...what do you think is the

Joel: Wow...that's not an easy question there...the thing everyone has to

realize is that there is a common thread between all of us...we have hopes,

fears, dreams, passions, frustrations...just remember that if you sneeze or

yawn...does not the person next you do also? How many times have you been

with a group of people and you have yawned and someone else responded...stop

that...it's catching. The common thread to make this world a better place is

the bond between us all and we must remember that and do our utmost to put

aside our differences to work for what we know we can become. I only dislike

snobs and inconsiderate yahoo's who decide to turn right from the left hand

Wall Street Journal: What is your take on the growing debt problem?

Joel: Increase my income, of course! Oh...you meant the national debt

problem! Let's see...first off...NO MORE CONGRESSIONAL PAY RAISES!!!!!

Second...NO MORE 110,000 pensions for indicted senators or congressman...and

thirdly...NEW PAY RATE EXCHANGE...pro athletes and politicians get paid what

teachers and nursing assistants get paid AND nursing assistants and teachers

(Loud clapping on that one! Joel looks at the time...)

Joel: Pardon moi, but I must be off...email me at [email protected] Ciao for

now! And check out my MP3.com website... ( www.mp3.com/DrPiano )

"Tailgate Joe" Original Poem By Joel Maurice Verlin

used without permission, used not for profit or commercial uses.