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(UPI) - In an unprecedented move, Bill Gates,

president of Microsoft

Corporation, admitted that he is an alien. Rumours had

been quietly

circulating for several weeks and Gates called a press

conference to clarify

the issue.

"I don't think there's any point in continuing this

charade," said

Gates to the assembled journalists. "Of course I'm an

alien. Think about

it: How could someone who didn't even finish high

school forge a

multi-billion dollar empire? I'm surprised it took

this long for the truth to

become known."

When asked if alien technology was the basis of

Microsoft's successful

products, Gate replied, "Of course. There have been a

few problems

implementing the software on primitive earth hardware

but I'm confident

that once the mother ship lands on the White House

lawn next Thursday

morning, that difficulty will be overcome. They'll be

delivering the newest

version of Windows at the same time."

When a CNN journalist suggested that luck and timing

might have been

the keys to Gates' success, Gates snickered and said,

"Oh sure, like

everyone on earth had the same opportunities I had!

You guys were sure easy

to fool."

When asked the reason for his appearance on earth at

this particular

period in time, Gates said, "Why, I've come to

implement a takeover of

earth, of course. When every household cannot function

without Microsoft

software, then we'll begin the assimilation."

Upon being queried as to whether this was a planned

hostile takeover,

Gates replied, "Only if the people resist. In that

case, we'll implement

emergency procedure 3BII which will send twenty

zillion volts up the

patooties of all who refuse assimilation."

What was the purpose of this planned assimilation, a

CBC reporter

asked. Gates answered, "Because we can."

FUN PAGES :

Fun Flash - The Tellie-Targets Game (By MadBlast)

http://www.flowgo.com/refer/redir.cfm?page_id=14260&d=12-22-01

Fun Page - The Internet Police Are Busting You (By MadBlast)

http://www.flowgo.com/refer/redir.cfm?page_id=16451&d=12-22-01

ARE YOU AN INTERNET ADDICT? Try THESE resolutions...

http://www.funtown.com/interaddic/interaddic.cfm

You're not the only one mad at your computer ---

http://www.funtown.com/14acomp/14acomp.cfm

Hey Gang:

Thought you would enjoy this enlighting bright post that really illuminates some of the finer points of * light * humor...

Joel

I found this on another forum:

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb??

(Posted in some forum...)

- 1 Changes the light bulb and posts that it has been replaced.

-12 Share their experiences in light bulb changing and methods of replacing bulbs

-7 warn that changing the light bulb is dangerous

-27 complain about the spelling and grammar of the first 20

-53 argue with the wise guys saying that "spling doznt mattah"

-156 members IM the admins and mods that discussing changing light bulbs is off topic in this forum.

-41 correct the grammar in the posts of the 80 that argue.

-109 request the thread to be moved to the "lightbulb forum"

-203 request that the spelling/grammar argument should be moved to the "grammar lounge" and the "spelling test forum"

-111 say that we all use light bulbs and that discussing changing them in a public forum may offend some.

-306 argue about the best place to buy bulbs, the best way to change them, and which brand of bulbs are best.

-27 link to sites where you can see various bulbs

-14 say that links don't work and that "here's the right link"

-3 say that these sites are inaccessible through their firewall or that those who visit them will get fired

-33 sort the previous posts and compile one big text and add their own opinion at the end.

-12 claim that they are leaving the forum forever because they can't stand the thread

-4 suggest to start a FAQ on lightbulbs and their changing

-25 request a new forum called "light bulb forum"

-47 claim that physics.cold.fusion was meant just for this.

-56 argue about turbocharged vs NA bulbs.

-400 post complete and utter nonsense

-85 posters that complain that the 15k sized picture of the lightbulb is too large for their modems.

And then, the guy that posts to complain because the original poster didn't do a search for "light bulbs" before posting his experience!!!

Hmmmmm....

Nobody complained about the job the original guy did in changing the bulb???

He actually got the right size, correct wattage, right color, etc. - so that everyone was happy with it????

WOW! Amazing...

This can't stand... too weird... so let me add to your list the following:

"Man, the guy replaced our nice 75watt bulb with one of those stupid new 65watt bulbs that are supposed to be just as bright and cost less, but in reality they are just dimmer and cost more and now the entire forum is too dark and shady and I don't like it anymore. PLEASE REMOVE THE BULB AND STICK A 75watt BACK IN IT'S PLACE!

Thank you!"

Jim

One guy changed his signature file to reflect his lightbulb's capabilities, including:

Brand and Wattage

Voltage

Fluorescent or Incandescent

Present Halogenation Status

Original Lumens and Candlepower

Expected Service Life

Lumens and Candlepower when "overwatted"

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB...

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got

our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about

a stupid burned-out lightbulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not

up to code.

German Shepherd: I'll guard the lightbulb while you decide.

Back off!

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll

do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will

be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while

he's busy.

CHOW CHOW: I'm with the malamute. After I take my nap that is!

AKITA: I'm with the chow and malamute! What's for dinner?

Jack Russell Terrier OR Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it!

I just KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps, and it's mine,

ALL mine!!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in

the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there.

Lab: Oh, me, ME!!! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I?

Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Joel Verlin

"Create A GREAT Day!"

[email protected]

www.joelverlin.com

www.mp3.com/drpiano

(Ring in the new year with one of my poetry CD's!)

Universal Office Number - 813-283-6070 (New voicemail system)

"No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However a large

number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced."