Retro-Tribute to the past

Liv : where : Tribute to the past You are here

I've kept a journal since I was in 4th grade. I've filled up so many notebooks with scribble that they've become like a mismatched encyclopedia set of my life. Actually, that's exactly how I use them: to "look up" a situation from the past that I'm thinking about for some reason. A past problem often gives me some perspective on a current dilemma.
In 5th grade, my best friend and I struck a deal: once a week, we'd be allowed to read each other's journals.
TERRIBLE IDEA!!
Now that I had an audience, I started editing things out that I didn't want her to know, or even faking things so they would sound really private or deep. It took a long time to undo that feeling of being watched in a place that was supposed to be mine and mine alone. (It also didn't help to have younger brothers who stole my journal with friends and then tortured me with the information they had read. I adopted high security measures after that).

I no longer believe that being close to someone means having unlimited access to their private thoughts. Now, I guard my journal fiercely as a place where I am allowed to admit to any thought or feeling and I will never foul that up again by handing over my current journal to someone else. It doesn't mean I don't trust them or want them to know me--but I am a better person to have as a friend if I have that space for myself. (Also, seeing yourself on the page almost allows you to be separate from the person writing, and then you can lend an ear to that person if she needs advice.)

So why in the world is it OK to put part of my journal on line for the world to see? Doesn't this fly in the face of everything I just said?
I think it's kind of a matter of distance. I looked at some old journals recently and it seemed pretty weird that I had a lot of the same questions that I do now. In other places I thought, "God have I changed" or "I wish I knew then what I know now." When I was 11, I often wished I knew someone older who could give me some perspective. And oddly, now that I'm twice that old, I often wonder what a 11-year-old would think of my life now. Reading what I wrote back then gives me some clues.
So, here are a few selected pages. Of course, none of this is the REALLY embarrassing stuff. Welcome to my journal!

-Liv-