Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.

Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.

Q: How many [members of your favorite group] does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.

Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983

Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won't, because:


"I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"

"If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a
brighter one, so where will it all end?"

"We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world
three times over."

"We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone
is hungry anywhere."

"We don't know what effect all this artificial light will
have on the future of mankind."

"Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't
learned to husband it yet."

"Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."

"The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."

"It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide
light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color
sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status,
national origin, or need."

Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls

Q: How many furries does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to climb up the ladder and change the lightbulb. Three
to protect the first with overkill-type weaponry, wear clothing which
emphasizes curves and musculature, and look cute and dangerous at the
same time.

(Notes : furries = characters in what's called "furry" science fiction. Best
depicted on cover art; the men look like bodybuilders, the women are
indescribably buxom, and both wear some version of Tarzan/Jane-style costumes
to show as much skin and musculature as possible.)

Q: How many furfen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb up the ladder and change the lightbulb. One to
complain that there was too much erotica in the previous answer and this
one, and that people should come up with more non-erotic answers because
of the impact on public negativity towards furriness. And the third to
explain about their erotic dreams involving furry lightbulb jokes.

(Notes : furfen = fans of furries. "fen" is a long-used plural for "fan".)

Q: How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright !

Q: How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a woman.

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

(Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced "hass-ee-deem"-it's Hebrew) are
an orthodox Jewish sect. The jokes above refer to various further subsects and
their peculiarities. The Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are known for their
belief that the Mossiach (Messiah) will be coming along soon. The Bratzlaver
joke refers to the fact that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman,
and since he died they haven't really replaced him, as nobody in the group
feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar are very strict in their
adherence to the sex-role distinctions prescribed by the Bible-in one area,
they've been fighting with local authorities about school busing, because they
believe that women should not be allowed to drive, and the school system
employs a lot of women as bus drivers.)

Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.

Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
(Notes: Carl Sagan is an astronomer/physicist/TV presenter etc and
"billions and billions" is his catchphrase.)

Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around
to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb
costs 3 million dollars.

Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent
satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.

Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

(Notes: "Poor Richard's Almanac" is a classic of colonial Americana, written
(pseudonymously) by Ben Franklin in the 1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty
lifestyle in the form of aphorisms, including that one, so it makes a nice play
on words.)

Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

(Notes: It might be something to do with the film - 2001 Space Odyssey.
It's more the book, actually. That and "The Lost Worlds of 2001" should
help illuminate this one. The big black monoliths, according to the books,
are meant to help man evolve, something sort of hinted at in the film but
more explicitly stated in the books.)

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, the new one and the old one. (hahahahah ???)
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
(Notes : I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of
Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more
complete explanation arrived in my mailbox : - A Goedel Number is one of
several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a
computer, or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it)
is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself...
It does come from the mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs
in his famous theorem, I believe.)

Q: How many Bayesians/subjectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: As many as you think it takes.
P.S. Fortunately, the author has learned much about Bayesian inference (and
about the subjectivity inherent in "classical" inference) since then -- so
spare us the flames about the misperceptions on which the above joke is based.

Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.

(Notes: The "dadaist" answer, like dadaism itself, goes further than the
surrealist one. Whereas the surrealist one at least bears the semblance
of a relationship to the question, the dadaist one is the punchline to
another joke entirely.)

Q: How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One if by hand, but two if by feel.
(Explanation - courtesy of an American : - Paul Revere was one of the riders
who warned the minute-men (American Revolutionaries) that the British were
coming to seize the stores of ammunition at Lexington and Concord. Actually, he
was captured en route; others spread the news. Revere got the publicity in a
poem about the event. (I think the writer was Longfellow.) The people in Boston
were to notify the riders how the British would come by hanging lamps in the
tower of the Old North Church "one if by land and two if by sea". Wow. A
history lesson in the middle of the canonical collection of lightbulb jokes !)

Q: How many Vanna Whites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. A dead bulb won't light up.
(Notes : Vanna White is the letter-turner on the television quiz show "Wheel of
Fortune". "Wheel of Fortune" somewhat similar to hang-man - a word or phrase is
shown as blanks and three contestants guess what letters are used (they spin
the wheel to determine how much money they get for each use of the letter they
will guess). Vanna wears pretty dresses and turns the letters over when they
light up after the contestants guess correctly. The job looks pretty mindless,
but we've heard Vanna is rather bright. However I still don't get it !)

Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?

(I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the dark anyway ?)

Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.

There now follows 14 lightbulb jokes which I found entitled "LIGHTBULBS THE
KNOWN WORLD OVER" and I don't understand a single one of them ! Help !

Q: How many Westerners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why would you want to do that? It's been just fine for 25 years!

Q: How many Calontiri does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One hundred and two, but _what_ a ceremony!

Q: How many Easterners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but they have to take a vote first to decide who.

Q: How many Meridians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he has to get it drunk first.

Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway.

Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nobody knows. They can't figure out what to wear to change one.

Q: How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!

Q: How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends, which household does it belong to?

Q: How many Midrealmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They won't say until they've consulted the Curia Regis...

Q: How many Ansteorrans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Was that a rattan lightbulb or a fencing lightbulb?

Q: How many Atenveldters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother, they prefer solar power anyway?

Q: How many Outlanders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: If it's less than a 14 hour drive it's not worth changing!

Q: How many Lochac-folk does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it screws in counter-clockwise.

Q: How many Oerthans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it takes them six months to notice it's burned out!

Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the
room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.

(Notes: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some sort of self-esteem-building
programme that was popular in the late 1970s. The sessions were as described
in the punchline.)

Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against
the will of God.
A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.

(Notes: The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania Dutch", who
mostly (though not exclusively) live in southeastern Pennsylvania and are noted
for their religion. They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using
such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and indeed often look
and act as if they were time travelers from the early nineteenth century (they
drive around in horse and buggy carts). They are descended from German
Protestant immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration people
misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for nationality). Their quaint
lifestyle draws many people to SE PA every year, where they often have a chance
to sample their sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke.

Q: How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can't say.
A: Three, in fourteen countries.

(Notes: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric Oliver North
was acting under, and which is often accused by people such as Gore Vidal of
secretly governing the country.)

Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they
need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
(Notes: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.)

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

(Notes: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their
economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were
more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government
economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle
would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently
whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.)

Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.

(Notes: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University
of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)

Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.

(Notes: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and
theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This
relates to his theories.)

Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

(Notes : None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a
play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and
ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb
and the hallway lamp is still out.)

Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
(Notes : Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New York?) hotel who was a real
bitch to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation.)

Q: How many marginals does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist.
(Notes: Anyone know what a marginal is or does ? It sounds like a rude
reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting foreign objects in each
others' rectums. Perhaps "marginal" is some regional insulting term for some
kind of male homosexual ?)

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
(Is this a science-fiction in-joke ?)

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

(Notes : Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent
bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep
their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would
probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.)

Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
(Notes: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.)

And now for some other jokes about lightbulbs that came my way...

This one is an advert that someone sent me : -
Q: Helga, how many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained quality control checkers at
the Lowenbrau brewery here in the beautiful city of Munich where they have
to carefully check that each and every stage of the bier brewing process
adheres to the Reinheitsgebot ancient brewing laws laid down in 1516 which
set minimum standards for the purity of the ingredients otherwise they'd be
subject to extremely enormous fines so quality control is a very important
job both in terms of the quality of all the Lowenbrau biers and of course
the financial good health of the company from the checking of the malted
barley with the hops not forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any
chance ? What we Germans lack in humour, we make up for in our bier.

Q: How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
A: First he bites off the old one.

(From the religious humour mailing list)
Q: How many angels can dance on a lightbulb?
A: It depends on the dance step.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell
and hurt ourselves.

Q: How does a blonde screw in a lightbulb?
A: With lubricant. (But how does she get into the lightbulb?)

Now for an old light bulb joke : When I was in high school I was in a photo
class. I used to go around telling people to save all their burned out light
bulbs for me. As always I would get a strange look and be asked why. My reply
was of course, that I was building a darkroom !

Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
A: Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
A: Cos it was autumn. (eh ?)
(Thus combining the twin themes of lightbulb jokes and
jokes about things falling out of trees...)

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: one. It isN't oo easy.

Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.
A: Eno.

KID 1: My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!
KID 2: Oh, yeah! Sez who?
KID 1: Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy: "Turn out the light, and
I'll eat it!"

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. You can do it yourself, dammit.

Q: Why does it take three women with PMT to change a lightbulb ?
A: Cos it does, RIGHT ?

Q: What did the lightbulb say to the fuse ?
A: That's a blow !

Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !

Q: How many chess computers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to remove the lightbulb by capturing it en passant, one to put
the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was unscrewed,
one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes place on the
other side of the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise,
and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate in seven.

Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too "Short".
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file
three millimetres off it first.

Q: How many ping pong players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping pong", one to
change the lightbulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix
the lightbulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us"
catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for
50p less.

Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten
course meal and some great sex.
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is
useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when they're done the
lightbulb will do your homework, speak French, and shine any color you
want it to.
A: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of
the 'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs.'
A: Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing about who is
supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A: None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their
agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs.
They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned
out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb
burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to
decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb...

Q: How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make that
two. Is that okay with you?
A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and
where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an
ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find
a new lightbulb, or...

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why do you want to know ? Are you a cop ?
A: None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
A: That information is strictly secret and only shared with the inner
members of the heirarchical Order.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?
A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out
light bulb?
A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for
them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs - unless they're
a legitimate business expense.
A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out
again tomorrow anyway.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the
bulb and bring light to the world.
A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to
do all your work for you ? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of
you asking me questions.

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Huh? The light's out?
A: What lightbulb?
A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A: Only one, but it takes a lot of lightbulbs. (*smash*)

Question - are there regional variations in lightbulb jokes ?

And then there's the joke about the Polish rabbit...

*************************************************************************
* Well, we've come to the end of the normal size lightbulb jokes !! But *
* for those dedicated enthusiasts, here's my collection of longer ones. *
*************************************************************************

Q: How many Unitarian-Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows, but it's been referred to the buildings and grounds
committee, who are supposed to make a report at the next board meeting,
although the acting head of buildings and grounds (no one admits to being
the head of the committee) says it's really long-range planning's job to
determine whether the bulb *should* be changed because they heard that the
social concerns committee thought we were wasting too much power, although
they also heard that the RE committee was upset because they thought it was
unsafe for the kids with the light out. The Sunday service committee wants
the light moved three feet to the right so that it doesn't put the
moderator in the shadows. The music committee wants a higher wattage light
so the singers can see their copies of Rise Up Singing better. The
membership committee wants a whole new bank of lights because they heard
about a study that said that guests prefer brighter spaces. The pagan group
wants all electric lights removed entirely. Eventually a renter will
probably change it.

(Explanation courtesy of the author of the above : - The Unitarian-Universalist
denomination is a liberal religious group. The Unitarians (from belief in only
one God rather than a trinity) and the Universalists (from belief that God is
in all) merged in the 1960's. The denomination more or less believes in seeking
the truth as far as possible by scientific methods, acknowledging the mysteries
of faith, and respecting all people. There is no specific creed for the
denomination here in the United States (some other countries have stricter
rules). The United States UU's attract many who do not want to be told what to
believe. There are members who are pagans, Christians, homosexuals,
heterosexuals, "recovering Catholics", agnostics, athiests, adherants of
Eastern religions, and others. The churches and fellowships (fellowships are
usually smaller groups without a minister) vary greatly in character. The
members tend to be educated and willing to speak their mind. This is possibly
the only denomination that will hire a religious education (Sunday School for
kids) coordinator before it hires a minister. If it sounds a bit confusing, it
is. I've been a UU about half my life and do not entirely understand, but I
like it.)

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met:
The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will
study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be
raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be
from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the
bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of
changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will
be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the
old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will
cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb
failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip
to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most
congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian
light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing
system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The
surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light
bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will
be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling
the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of
free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will s
end every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to
get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.

Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting
to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled
Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask
Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't
stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and
ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits,
murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the
Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to
carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to
escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return
party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at
the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the
lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism,
sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?

(short (Not Nigel !) version)

A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the
lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and
call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947
tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others
are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was
better before they changed the lightbulb.

(long version, published 6 months later)

A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the
lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests
the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged
player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The
director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says
that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes.
Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says
it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks
the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The
deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb
defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the
bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA)
as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15)
is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party
(17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman
then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and
storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing
Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he
will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold
the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light)
championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26)
playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence
increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks
into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has
the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled
from world chess for creating a disturbance.
(Notes : Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to
a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.)

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

And now for three more versions of the story just for good measure : -

(OS versions)
A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell
Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT,
Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to
screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

A: All of them. Bones to say "Its dead Jim", Uhura to send a distress signal,
Sulu to listen to Chekov saying "Light bulbs vere really an old russian
invention", Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early
demise of the light bulb, Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.

A: (long version)
The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat
to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up
some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours
but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an
emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any
known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three
security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the
Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the
security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies
when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy
are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be
in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too.
Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be
useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the
chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a
duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone
crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the
chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love
with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers
her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to
kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is
not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties
of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating
Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is
convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he
returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the
light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break,
they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the
bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just
happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the
starfield appears, and the episode ends.

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress,
I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and
remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the
dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a
hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and
replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design.
Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just
before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry
truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Q: How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the goal state,
One to define the operators, One to describe the universal problem solver,
One to hack the production system, One to indicate about how it is a model
of human lightbulb changing behaviour], The logical formalism group (16):
[One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic,
One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic,
One to show the adequacy of FOL, One to show the inadequacy of FOL, One to
show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't
non-monotonic, One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL,
One to determine the bindings for the variables, One to show the
completeness of the solution, One to show the consistency of the solution,
One to show that the two just above are incoherent, One to hack a theorem
prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest a parallel theory of
lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show that the parallel theory isn't
complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate
how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call
the electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision system
to recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system to locate a new
bulb, One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it, One
to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to
rotate 360+ degrees, One to figure out how to make the universal joint go
the other way, One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to
the socket, One to organize the construction teams, One to hack the
planning system, One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research, One to
indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in lightbulb
changing], The knowledge engineering group (6): [One to study electricians'
changing lightbulbs, One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines,
One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great
accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort (The
same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study related research, One
to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb changing
behaviour, One to call the lisp hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One to
bring up the chaos net, One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the
group's political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make
incompatible changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke, One to
rehack the Lisp editor/debugger, One to rehack the window package, Another
to fix the compiler, One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp
dialect, Another to rehack the window package properly, One to flame on
BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of
code required to change the lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One
to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance, One
to gather and run subjects, One to mathematically model the behaviour, One
to call the expert systems group, One to adjust the resulting system, so
that it drops the right number of bulbs.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry
way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by
the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at
his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said
direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to
maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.
The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural
failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this
agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his
heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the
objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress
and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 92 - As follows:
2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in
addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage,
AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission.
1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when
we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements)
compatibility/architecture study.
3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows
function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet,
flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
(!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket
(bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split
(control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation -
screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance
group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.


The Dark Sucker Theory (courtesy of rec.humor.d)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then
transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses
fossil fuel to destroy it.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a
gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the
dark being squished into the wires.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Dark Suckers are only able to suck dark in a straight line. Dark, because
of its mass, will not penetrate solid, opaque objects as it is being sucked by
a Dark Sucker. When a Dark Sucker is operating, you will notice that dark that
is behind a solid, opaque object does not flow through the object or around it
to the Dark Sucker. Some of the dark will accumulate on the side of the object
away from the Dark Sucker as the Dark Sucker attempts to pull it through the
object. These residual patches of dark are often referred to as `shadows.' Some
surfaces are able to function as secondary Dark Suckers by sucking the dark
from behind solid objects at an angle and then rerouting it to the primary Dark
Sucker. These surfaces have a property we refer to as `reflective.'

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is
not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

The following line doesn't quite fit into the theory but almost does : -
Ever seen the blue glow in vacuum tubes? That's because electrons are blue.

Q: How many earthlings does it take to shjlexrifby a grlbugre?
A: Indeterminate: they don't even know what a grlbugre is, let alone how to
shjlexrifby!

> Not funny, sorry.

Of course not; that's the second level to the joke !
Not only do we not know how/what, we are we can't even comprehend the joke.
Kind of like "How many australopithecines does it take to change a lightbulb ?"

(I heard this joke from one of the sentient liquid-helium creatures (ybriki)
from kappa indri IX. (This star is not visible to the naked eye from earth.
Of course, liquid helium only exists at temperatures within a
couple of degrees of absolute zero, and the liquid has several peculiar
characteristics. For this story, three of the important characteristics are
that it exists only as a layer 1 atom thick on any surface; that opposing
flows of the liquid pass through each other without resistance; and that it
adheres to surfaces by the strong nuclear force, which is orders of magnitude
stronger than gravity. Consequently, they are essentially two-dimensional, can
not conceive of a third physical dimension (any more than we can concieve of
any of the physical dimensions 4 through 13), and have great difficulty
participating in team sports.

The following is a summary of a long interview conducted through several layers
of insulating glassine, using a faulty universal translator.

A grlbugre is a very distant cousin of the lightbulb, although because of the
physical constraints of ybrik ecology, it is two-dimensional and must never
exceed a temperature of 3.4 degrees kelvin; otherwise it will evaporate any
ybrik within the heated radius. It doesn't actually radiate light either, as
ybriki have nothing resembling eyes, nor any need for them. It actually
broadcasts what we might interpret as a form of emotion. This is generated by
circulating two or more opposing currents of liquid helium, each contaminated
by a specific set of chemicals, over the surface of a small disk of solid
oxygen. We call this disk an electrode, although the analogy is very poor.

Now: "shjlexrifby". As best as I can discern, this involves simultaneously
altering the characteristics of the 'electrode' to a state that is -not-
superconducting (while not altering its temperature), while introducing
higher-level harmonics into the flow of -one- of the helium currents and
reducing the concentration of neon in the other. This results in a subtle
change in the spectrum of the grlbugre emissions, which informs the ybrik
that the mating season has begun.

Now, mating among the ybriklo; that's another complicated story....

*** News item waiting to be turned into a joke ***
In the airport interview Bob Dylan held shortly after arriving in London for
his 1965 tour, he arrived carrying a large inflatable light bulb. He claimed
it was given to him "a very affectionate friend" but suggested upon further
questioning that there was no deeper reason why he was carrying this light
bulb. This interview, and Dylan arriving with the light bulb, can be seen in
the documentary film on Dylan's 1965 appearances in England called "Don't Look
Back," which is an outstanding feature length film I would call required
viewing for Dylan fans.

*** Another news item also waiting to be turned into a joke ***
Some French pop singer (Claud Francois I think) apparently slipped over and
died whilst standing up in the bath to change a lightbulb...

An item from a user on uk.misc : -
We developed a unique lighting system, that used only about a quarter of
the electricity for the same amount of light etc.
We won a Green award for it.
After spending about 250,000 pounds, we now have a company with a good
design, but no orders etc.
Does that count as a lightbulb joke ?

*** Yet another item waiting to be turned into a joke ***
Victor Meldrew (of "One foot in the grave" fame) starred in an advert in which
he's moving house but first stealing everything out of the old house. Then
comes a naff joke about having paid enough mortgage repayments to buy enough
lightbulbs to put Blackpool tower to shame. Then he gets into the car and
accidentally sits on the lightbulb. Ouch for both ! When asked what about a tip
for the removal men, he offers "Never put a lightbulb in your back pocket !"

And now, the winner of the Most Obtuse Award:

The question arises: has anyone discovered the academic rewards to be reaped
from developing new techniques of light bulb changing that require, say, three
chairs instead of two; or light bulb theory, in which it is discovered what
configurations of light bulb changers are equivalent and what classes of light
bulb changing patterns can be distinguished... ["Two-Way, Three-Chair Light
Bulb Changing Teams Are NP-Complete!", L.R. Knuth, L.A.L.R. Floyd, and E.R.
(Extremely Right) Dijk-stra, SIAM Journal on Light Bulbs, vol. 43, no. 3, March
1972]

From a post on alt.humor.best-of-usenet : -
One of many possible new schemes for encoding messages:
* Implosion Method. Write message on lightbulb. Implode lightbulb.
Recipient then reverses time continuum and grabs pre-imploded lightbulb
from alternate timeline, reads message, and tosses back for implosion
before anybody notices.
Advantages: NSA Clipper plans (oddly enough) do not extend as far as
including key/escrow chips in all time travel devices.
Disadvantages: Useless against the Great Race of Yith.

And finally - an item cut out from a newspaper ;

Headline : SHEDDING LIGHT ON AN OLD JOKE

How many people does it take to change a light bulb ? Forty-three, if they are
US government workers, an anti-bureaucracy drive has discovered. Regulations at
a Colorado power plant, where the bulb was a warning light, called for a
seven-man "work-control meeting", talks with workers who had changed the bulb
before plus approval from safety, logistics, waste management and scheduling
officials. Someone had to order the repair, someone else supervise it and
someone else again check the new bulb worked. It all took 1087.1 hours.

Same joke, same story, another incarnation : -
How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon components
plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke: An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S.
Department of Energy plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the
replacement of a light bulb in a criticality beacon." The beacon, similar to
the revolving red lamp atop a police car, warns workers of nuclear accidents.
The memo said the job should take at least 16 people over 60 hours to replace
the light. It added that the same job used to take 12 workers 4.15 hours. The
memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a work-control meeting;
talk with other workers who have done the job before; meet again; get
signatures from five people at that work-control meeting; get the project plans
approved by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste management
and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly criticality-beacon test; direct
electricians to replace the bulb; and then test and verify the repair.
Mark Obmascik in Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest)

Warm regards to all lightbulb joke fans. BRIAN.
===============================================

_------_
-~ ~-
- _ -
- |> -
- |< -
- |> -
- || -
- || -
-__||__-
|______|
<______>
<______>
\/

___,-----.___
,--' `--.
/ \
/ \
| |
| |
| |~~~~~~~~~| |
| \ / |
| \ / |
\ \ / /
\ | | /
\ | | /
\ | | /
\ | | /
\____|___| ___/
)___,-----'___(
)___,-----'___(
)___,-----'___(
)___,-----'___(
\_____________/
\___/

And now for some waffle (flames to alt.black.hole) from alt.fan.lightbulbs : -
(I'll turn some of this lot into proper jokes when I get the inspiration...)

Hello fellow lightbulb fans!

Be sure to check out _Gravity's Rainbow_ by Thomas Pynchon... about
2/3 of the way through he stops the narrative to give a "biography
of a lightbulb" that happens to be illuminating the action. This is
no ordinary bulb, but Byron the Bulb, an "immortal" bulb. Freed from
the threat of burning out, he schemes against the G.E. company, etc.

I happen to be of the opinion that lightbulbs are fatalists. They enjoy nothing
so much as conspiring to commit suicide in some interesting and noisy fashion.
For instance not more than a week ago a light fixture in my kitchen fell to the
floor with a resounding *CRUNCH* no doubt at the instigation of the neurotic
and suicidal lightbulb at the helm.
They also make a wonderful *CRASH* if you throw a whole box of them out
of the hotel window.

What we need is more good uses for these wonderful things that come in
every shape, size, and wattage, these things we call lightbulbs.

Lightbulbs can be made into a nice pipe by pulling the end off with pliers
and then cleaning the inside throughly. Heat the bulb with torch, blow hole,
and there you go.... (Had to add in my favorite lightbulb use)

And someone suggests using them as dildoes.
Lots of shapes and sizes, just like men. Easy to warm up to the temperature
you prefer, at the flick of a switch. Neither your mother nor your husband
ask that embarrassing question, "I'm surprised YOU need one of those!?!" if
they see it by the side of your bed. Available in a wide range of shops.
Purchased without question, smirking or leering by shop staff.
Ummm, if you think I am kidding, just ask someone who works in accident
and emergency in a hospital...

In the past I have noticed that if one puts a half-silvered halogen bulb
into a household microwave it makes a quite spectacular little lightshow
whith moving globs of colored light and such. If you only go for a few
seconds at a time you can repeat this a number of times with a single
bulb. If you let it go too long the bulb explodes nicely.
I was just wondering if anybody had any thoughts on precisely what was
happening on the physical level to cause the nice light show, how this
might vary based on type of bulb, etc. Anybody?


Now this should get some controversy going.
According to the British television show "The Secret Life of Machines", halogen
incandescent bulbs convert 25% of the energy they consume to light versus 10%
for ordinary incandescent bulbs. The rest of the energy is converted to heat.
Note I say converted to heat not wasted as heat. In the winter, I turn all of
the lights on in my apartment (~1KW) when I'm home and stay nice and warm. It's
nice and bright and the central heating rarely comes on. So, is my incandescent
lamp heating system 90% efficient or am I just creating more acid rain to fall
on the British?

Comment: Lightbulbs will be no more. :-( Looks like tubes (fluorescent) are
in and bulbs are out. Unless beryllium is used in tubes...
Response: Tubes have no filaments so they definitely do not rule.
They suck, they SUCK! Yeah mmm heheh. Except the colored ones,
which are pretty cool. Btw, uh huh, you said "tube", uh huh.

>What in god's name is "wolfram". Sounds like a bizarre marital aid.

Okay, every lightbulb fan should know that Wolfram

1) is the metal the filament of a lightbulb is made out of
2) is also known as "Tungsten" and chemically denoted "W"
3) Is the surname of Stephen Wolfram, an obscure mathematician/computer
scientist. (It's hard to tell with these damn light bulb jokes.)
4) atoms have 74 electrons in 6 shells and a mass of 183.85 g/mole
5) hence belongs to group VI, period 6, 6 also being the number
of chemical engineers it takes to screw in a lightbulb, for
reasons too obvious to elaborate on
(Too bad, they're not so obvious as to be obvious to me...)
Class dismissed, see ya next week.


How many hobbits does it take to change a light bulb?

__________________________________________________________________

One to complain that the light bulb isn't working,

Five to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it,

Twenty to form an expedidtion to the fabled Lightbulb mines of Mythrill,

Thirty to throw a going away party,

One to ask Gandalf for directions,

One to sell into slavery when the petty cash runs out,

Five to get lost through natural wastage (Bandist, murderers, monsters
etc),

One to thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb mine,

Two to carry the lightbulbs,

Five to find a large, sword-welding barbarian to escort the lightbulbs
home,

Thirty to throw a safe return party,

Five to find an elf tall enough to change the lightbulb,

Five to compose ballads of daring, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs,

Finally another two-hundred to appear in the subsequent Tolkien books.

A new joke everyday. Soon I will setup the archive of jokes.

To start To more jokes