Infinite Wisdom

An Insightful Look at Things with Sammy "the Bullshit" Scavonelli

My first editorial for End of the Long Road, no pressure here. What're you kidding me? There's less friggin' pressure on the inside of a goddamn submarine. This could be my first and my last editorial if it ain't any good. I mean, c'mon, it's gotta be funny, witty, humorous, and at the same time insightful. I didn't even want to do this garbage, I'm just trying to help out a friend who's got too much free time on his hands, that fucker. Oh, well, here goes nothing.

So, I go looking through the news, trying to catch up on current events, right? All these fuckers in Washington want to throw out Clinton cause he lied. Like those bastards never told a lie? Get outta here, each and every one of those politicians are crooked as my dog's dick. How about that son of a bitch that said he clean up all those goddamn potholes on my street if I voted for him and he got elected? There's friggin' twice as many out there now. I'm about ready to go down to that fucker's house pull him out of his king size bed or grab him out of that in-ground pool, take him back to my street and make him personally fill all those goddamn holes himself. You know, it's like that joke: What's the difference between Dracula and a Politician? One's a bloodsucker and the other can turn into a bat.

And how about those two fucking jocks trying to get the homerun record way up there? Who cares already? So what they can hit a friggin' ball really far a lot of times. It's not like they're curing cancer. And what about these Sosa fans painting Sosa's number on their car windows? Are they friggin' nuts? Who paints a number on their car window? What are they, in the demolition derby? Hey, if I'm ever painting some jock's number on my car window, fucking shoot me dead already. That's the last thing I need to be doing, that's where I draw the line. If my life has gotten to the point where I'm making a hero out of a guy who can hit a ball really far a lot of times, then just kill me, life ain't worth it at that point.

What's up with naming hurricanes? They got this one, now, Georges. It's not like more than one George, it's some kind of smooth Latin pronunciation. Fuck all that. Don't even name the storm, it’s stupid. It used to be that ya' named a storm after a woman. Ya know, cause storms are unpredictable. It might be going one way and you think it's gonna go do a certain thing, but then it totally changes itself around and does something totally different. Like you think things are going all good, like everything's ok, but then you see that bitch with Joey from down the street. Then you gotta go over there and start busting some nuts. This guy's walking around with his arm on your girl like you fell off the edge of the planet or something. Then when you're like, "What's up with this?", everything's gotta be a big fight. Then one thing leads to another and you're being escorted out of the area by a patrol car. Then you got restraining orders to deal with, but you still gotta get your friggin' CD's from her house and there's no way that's possible 'cause she'd call the cops faster than Chris Farley doing a line of coke and dropping dead in his pajamas. Ya' know, don't even bother naming the storms, it's ridiculous.