Many thanks to Occupant for this snazzy depiction that embodies how many of us feel... or something like that. |
It should come as no surprise to you to learn that The Sci-Fi
Channel has decided not to order any new episodes of MST3K. I mean
they picked up "Sliders" for gosh sakes, how bright can they be? All bashing
aside, the question that pops up is, what are we to do now? After the Great
Satan (aka: Doug Herzog) first canceled MST3K there was a great
sense of organization and teamwork, also Sci-Fi had expressed and interest,
so there was also a clear direction. All those things seem to be lacking
this time around. Captioneer News's very own source inside Best
Brains, Jim Mallon, has said that they are interested in an
eleventh season, so it is not, as Sci-Fi tried to make it seem, a mutual
decision to end the show. This brings us back to the initial point of trying
to save the show, many people seem to advocate some kind of scattershot
letter writing campaign, which some people have been trying to corral into
a focused effort to get Berry Diller, USA's head honcho, to overrule his
Sci-Fi lackeys and save MST3K. Our Sister Site, Satellite News,
has a good list of pages advocating different strategies, give them a look
by clicking here,
However, if you'd like to hear our stance on what to do, stick around.
We at Captioneer News feel these write in campaigns are all fine and dandy, but they're a little to reactive for our liking, find out where everyone else is writing, and follow suit, like a bunch of sheep, or wait until Best Brains comes up with a plan of action. We at Captioneer News want a course of action that's proactive, and we think we've come up with a good one! |
| To be successful a show needs viewers, but no one cares about
just any ordinary Tom, Dick, or Harry viewers, so you could tell people
to watch MST3K till you're blue in the face and it still probably
wouldn't save the show, we need Neilsen viewers! Now here's where
you get to play your part,
Step 1: Reconnaissance; Begin scouring your neighborhood, workplace, school, wherever for Neilsen families. Be direct, come right out and ask people, and try to find as many as you possibly can, I think they're required by law to admit it if you have them cornered, or maybe that's shapeshifters, I can never remember. Anyway, when you've found as many of these snooty Neilsen people as you think you can handle proceed to the next step. Step 2: Reprogramming; Now that you've weeded out the people who it is actually worth the time to convince to watch MST3K, do so, and with any means necessary. Captioneer News cannot condone violence, but we're all in agreement that it is the method most likely to work. Do keep in mind that you get better results with Honey then Vinegar, so be sure to coat them in honey near a killer bee hive for best effect. If all methods of persuasion fail, move on to the next step. Step 3: Subversion; If all else has failed, you're going to have to subvert the Neilsen family and make sure your love for MST3K overrules their own pathetic TV viewing choices. We at Captioneer News believe there are two different ways the Neilsen get their numbers. One is an actual box that records viewing habits, another is the less exact method of a large listing of TV Programs that the Neilsen stoolies fill in themselves. In either case a good plan is to try to get them out of the house during an airing of MST3K, be creative, anything from a fake bomb scare to a fake medfly infestation should do the trick. Once they are out of the house, go about checking that all the doors and windows are properly locked and secured. It's not breaking and entering if that window was broken before you get there, is it? Use this time to make sure MST3K is on TV for the box, or marked in the book. If you know their TV/Cablebox make and get yourself a powerful enough Universal Remote, you may not even need to gain access to their house as long as their ratings are tracked through the box method. Good Luck! |
Visit
Occupants Waste of Bandwidth
be sure to visit the link that could save your life.
This page is for entertainment purposes only, do not stalk Neilsen families and break into their houses to further the goal of keeping MST3K on the air
But if you really want to, there's nothing we could do to stop you, it'll probably help too, just don't go blaming us when they hall your ass into court.