UPDATED ON August 5,1998
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17 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
17.
"I finished the Oreos."
16.
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15.
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a
baby..!!
14.
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13.
"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12.
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."
11.
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt."
10.
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth ?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that ?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk ?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And
the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."
RULES
THAT GUYS WISH THAT GIRLS KNEW
1.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
he
can
find the perfect present, again!
5.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you
don't
want to hear.
6.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7.
Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every
other
cat.
9.
Any dog is better than any cat. Period.
10.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let
it be.
11.
Shopping is not sport.
12.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13.
You have enough clothes.
14.
You have too many shoes.
15.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably
is too.
17.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries
on
a calendar.
19.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank
range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.
20.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be
any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
21.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23.
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25.
Check your oil.
26.
Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments
become null and void after 7 days.
30.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act
like soap opera guys.
31.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes
you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty
you are?
33.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -
not both.
35.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain
about having their boobs stared at.
38.
Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39.
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes
you
look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deterus from
reading
the magazines.
40.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months
we were going out.
Fair
Trade
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As
he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him
and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
quite
startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is
as
soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
436."
A eskimo was riding across
the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started
sputtering. The
eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop.
After five or ten
minutes, the mechanic returns, and says,"Look's like you
just blew a seal."
To which the eskimo replied,"No, that's just frost on my mustache."
Bill
and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The
umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, and suddenly
Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and
onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said,
'Throw the first PITCH!'"
2
Winos were dying for a drink, but had no money. One wino came up with
a good idea - he went into a supermarket and stole a sausage.
They both then went into a bar and ordered two drinks. Halfway thru the
drinks, he produced the sausage and held it in his lap. The other wino
went down on his knees and went thru the motions of a blow job. The
disgusted bartender kicked them out immediately - without asking for
payment for the drinks.
This went on for 15 bars - the same thing happened each time.
One wino then said to the other - Hey man, my knees are aching from all
this bending on the floor !
The other wino replied - Yeah man, I'm aching too - I lost the sausage
2
bars back!!!
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