On the altar there are brown candles; a foot-long Tootsie Roll serves as the
athame; a large glass with milk in it for the chalice; a small dish of
Nestle's Quick and a spoon; a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of
cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo (a non- carbonated chocolate soft drink) with a
goblet.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE

Take the small bowl with chocolate sprinkles and scatter, saying:
"Chocolate sprinkles, where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me, And as I will So Mote It BE!"

Add Nestle's Quick to the glass of milk, saying:
"Nestle's Quick, where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let
all good things come to me, And make my milk all CHOCOLATEY!"

CAST THE CIRCLE using the Tootsie Roll

CALL THE QUARTERS

"Mousse of the East, Fluffy One! Great prince of the palace of dessert... Be
present, we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers approaching
from the East.

Fondue of the South, Molten One! Great prince of the palace decadence... Be
present, we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets approaching from
the South.

Cocoa of the West, Satisfying One! Great prince of the palace of thirst...
Be present, we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob approaching
from the West.

Rocky Road of the North, Cold One! Great prince of the palace of crunchy...
Be present, we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap imitations
approaching from the South."

MAIN RITUAL

THE HANDMAIDEN (henceforth known as the SWISS MISS):
"Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called
Godiva, Ethel M, Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:"

HIGH PRIESTESS:
'Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be
when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place
and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of All
Goodies.  In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and
are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And
you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are truly free,
you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh,
snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my presence. For mine is the
ecstacy of phenylalanine (feen-el-AL-a-neen), and mine is also the Joy on
Earth, yeah, even into High Orbit, for my law is, "Melts in your mouth, not
in your hands.  Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside. For
mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a
smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips.
I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men
and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond
death... well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that.  
I demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a business,
and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them."

SWISS MISS:
"Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are
the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores
everywhere:

HIGH PRIESTESS:
"I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big
bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside of truffles, and fill
the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto they soul to arise
and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all confections
spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again... and again... and
again... and again.
Before my smeared face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost divine
self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.
Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of
yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and
mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter
and chocolate covered cherries all within you.
And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall
avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We shall sell no chocolate until
you pay for it. For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that
which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.  Messed Be."

SWISS MISS:
'Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli, Milton
Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names:"

HIGH PRIEST:
"I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor,
but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest
bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of
chocolate, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am
warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that
leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.
I give you my creatures: the fire of the love of chocolate, the power of jaw
strength to bit of a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the shelter of
Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I
instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you
had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can
spot a candy counter a mile away.
By the powers of the half-melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you; by
the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and the lingering smell of
bittersweet chocolate, I charge you; and by the beauty of a perfectly
swirled vanilla butter creme, I charge you:
Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in
your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in
that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying
slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit: Eat not of that which is
called "Baking Chocolate", for it is vile and bitter.
Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy,
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else.
I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I
am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I
will never be farther away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am
the spirit of the Wild Child, the Inner Child who can never get quite
enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are
intertwined."

THE BLESSING OF THE YOO-HOO

HIGH PRIEST:
"Let it be known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate."

HIGH PRIESTESS:
"Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate."

HIGH PRIEST:
"For both are better than the falsely named White Chocolate."

HIGH PRIESTESS:
"And neither one is carob."

HIGH PRIEST:
"As the frosting is to the cupcake..."

HIGH PRIESTESS:
"So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar."

BOTH:
"And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater
snack in all the world than one made of chocolate."

THE BLESSING OF THE CUPCAKES

HIGH PRIEST:
"Frosting is keen."

HIGH PRIESTESS:
"Frosting is neat."

BOTH:
"Great Goddess, let's eat!"

FEASTING AND DRINKING (chocolate liqueur, if possible), MUSIC AND DANCING.

DISMISSING THE QUARTERS

HIGH PRIESTESS:

"Oh, ye mighty goodies of the (insert direction here), we thank you for
attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your
sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you: "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestle's makes the
very best."

ALL:
"Chooooooc - laaaaaaate!"

AFTER THE QUARTERS ARE DISMISSED, GIVE A FINAL, SATISFYING BELCH AT THE
EAST.  CLOSE THE CIRCLE TO END THE RITUAL.