Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.