(01) The badness of a movie is proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

(02) Nobody can give you a clear reason why we observe daylight savings time.

(03) People who tell you they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you they have no sense of humor.

(04) The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

(05) You should never say anything to a woman that remotely suggests she's pregnant unless you can see a baby emerging from her at that moment.

(06) A penny saved is worthless.

(07) There will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

(08) The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

(09) The thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, or ethnicity, is that, deep down, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

(10) There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

(11) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

(12) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

(13) There exists somewhere a computer that generates concepts for TV sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn it on; after sorting through millions of possible plots, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY, ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE IN AN APARTMENT."

Then it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it.

(14) Nobody is normal.

(15) At least once a year, a group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

(16) If you had to identify, in one word, why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its potential, that word would be "meetings."

(17) The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

(18) The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

If the ad says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to older people like your father.

If Coke and Pepsi spend billions to convince you that there are significant differences between the two products, both realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

(19) If God decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

(20) You should not confuse your career with your life.

(21) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

(22) No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

(23) When things look bad, there is always one person who sees a solution. Very often, that person is crazy.