Nav
Long Jokes
 |
 |
 |
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." "OK," said the son. A few minutes later
the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." "Thanks Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..." "Yes, son?" "Why the fuck are we in the London zoo?"
Hot For Teacher
.A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom. Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. "Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!" So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my arse is still sore."
The Cuckoo Clock
Soon after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys. " I told the wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realised she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'Oh, fuck,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, and finally cuckooed twice more before it farted."
New Watch
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man replies, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
The Ballerina And The Bar
This lady walks into a bar. Obviously she hasn't shaven her armpits in years. Every time she asks for a drink she raises her hand for the whole bar to see her pits. At the end of the night, the drunk on the other side of the bar tells the bartender, "Hey bartender, tell that ballerina at the end of the bar I want to buy her a drink."
The bartender asks, "How do you know she's a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Any girl that can raise her leg that high is a ballerina."
The Barman And The Talking Duck
Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint." And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.
Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."
Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you." "Really?" says the duck. "Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "That's right." "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?" "Yeah!" "That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck. "Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen." The duck looked very puzzled. "What the hell would he want with a plasterer?"
Hospital Visit
An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
Loosing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What was that all about?"
Still staring down at his feet, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Bad Baseball Gag
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience
noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
Bear Hunting
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting do you?"
Two Italians On A Bus
Two Italian guys get on a bus, and an animated conversation
strikes up between them.
"Emma, she comes firsta. 'Den I come. 'Den de two asses come
together. 'Den I come, an' de asses come together again. I come again and pee twice. 'Den I come again."
"Do you mind?" The woman in front of the guys said, "We don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"You coola down, lady." Says one of the Italians, "I'ma justa tellin' my friend here 'ow to spella Mississippi!"
Floor Tiles
An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom
floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splitz and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
husband Paddy.
"Paddy! Paddy!" she yelled. Paddy came running in, "Paddy, Oi've
suctioned meself to the floor" she said. "Ohhh bejesus!" Paddy said and
tried to pull her up.
"You're just too heavy lass, Oi'll go across the road and get Murphy" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"Nope, Oi cannot do it" Murphy said, "Lets try Plan C."
"Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy, "What's that?"
"Oi'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."
"All roight," Paddy said, "While your doing that Oi'll stay here and play with her tits".
"Play with her tits"? Murphy said, "Why would you be wanting to do
that?"
Paddy replied "Well Oi figure if Oi can get her wet enough we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace..."
Gorilla Shagging
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, part time intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Ed was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want her to wear protection."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks!"
Rug Cleaning
There's this girl who lives on the 18th floor of this block of flats, she's on
her balcony cleaning a rug. A big gust of wind takes the rug and
her over the side. She's falling and knows she's going to die, so she prays to God for a miracle.
Just then a man on the 14th floor sticks out his arms and catches her.
He says to her, "Do you Suck ?" She says, "No!" So, he drops her.
She prays again, and just then a man on the 10th floor sticks out his
arms and catches her and says, "Do you Fuck ?". She says, "No Way!" So he drops her.
She then realises that its all over for her and asks God for one more
chance. Right then a man on the 6th floor sticks his arms out and she
yells, " I suck, I fuck!!!"
The man says, "Slut!" and drops her.
Sex With A Ghost?
A professor at the University of Limerick is giving a lecture to the fresher year students on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, in one of the biggest lecture halls on the campus, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Now, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one further question... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" At this, one student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost... You've simply got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The student, who happens to be a local lad from Abbyfeale, replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiite... From way back there I thought you said "goats."
Choker
Two Texans were having lunch at their favourite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?" She shook her head 'no.' "Kin ya breath?" Again she shakes her head 'no.'
The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom!
Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls up her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.
His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend.
"Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick manoeuvre works every time!"
Keeping Up With The Jones's
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner!" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Jones's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue. Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue: "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Jones's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
What's In The Box
An old man comes home from the doctor and says to his wife that the doctor only gave him a few months to live. His wife says "that's terrible, anything I can do to make you more comfortable just ask."
He thinks for a while and then says "What's in the box under the bed? You know I promised you on our wedding day I would never ask what's in the box or look in it, but with me having only a few months to live what difference does it make?"
His wife goes and gets the box then removes the lid and hands it to him. The old man looks inside and sees three eggs and $100,000.00 He asks his wife "What do they mean?"
She says that every time the had sex and it was not very good for her she put an egg in the box. He's feeling pretty good now; after all they've
been married for 40 years and there's only three eggs in the box. So he asks her about the 100 thousand dollars.
She says "Well every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them!"
