3.30.99
Okay, I'm supposed to be working on a webpage right now. Just not this one. Don't you just love how people learn to procrastinate? We always say that we'll get it done on time, or early even. But then that deadline just sneaks up on you, and there you are: sitting in front of your computer, staring at a blank screen. Try as you might to concentrate, you can't seem to make your eyes focus. Then, after about a half an hour, you finally give up and go to bed. Sweet dreams.
4.22.00
Well, I just did it again. Instead of catching up on last week's homework and getting ahead in next week's homework, I just spent the last few hours updating this webpage. In its entirety. It so happened that while I was in a somewhat melancholy mood, reminiscing and, yes, crying earlier today I came across some old writing and artwork of mine. It inspired me to write and then to publish what I had written. So that's how my new section 'Words' came about. And I will give credit where credit is due, the title of the section I somewhat 'borrowed' from last year's PCN program. That section called "Words" in the program is what caused me to start crying (although I was already in the mood after reading Noli) and to look for my old work.
Did you notice how I tend to update this webpage only when I'm in a particularly depressed mood? Sometimes I do it when I'm in a good mood, but only if there are special circumstances. Otherwise, it's me pouring my heart out to some digitalized monstrosity of HTML. Maybe it's because I know it can't talk back. Maybe it's because I feel like I can't talk to anyone in person. Maybe it's because I know it can keep a secret, although that's pretty stupid since I just published this for everyone in the modern world to see. Or maybe it's that I want everyone to see it, but I try to be humble by not telling anyone directly. That's most likely it. How depressing can I get?
6.12.00
Wow... it's now the end of the school year. This morning I turned in my final paper and a bunch of overdue homework for two of my classes. It's too bad that I didn't turn in everything I should have, though... I guess there goes my GPA for this quarter. Oh well... I guess I can now think that the last two quarters of working my butt off to raise my GPA was all in vain. And, too, my thinking right now is just not making any sense. I'm in my friend's room in the dorms and everyone's talking even though we should all be studying. It's Monday of finals week- no one in here is finished yet. But dear God do we wish we were!
Okay, so last night some random guy icq'd me... and I checked out his webpage... I actually found someone who has practically the exact same thoughts as I do. The only difference between us (okay, so not the ONLY) is that I can't publish them for the whole world to see. I like to pretend I can, but every time I try it doesn't come out right. Nothing I ever think about ever comes out the way I want it to. But okay, so this guy's journals really made me think... and all this stuff is going on right now...
Why is it that I always fall for guys that are already taken? One of my friends had the theory that it's because then we know they can commit. But I think my problem is more MY problem than a problem with the other person. I will say it right here and now (for all those people who say I never would): I am one fucked up bitch when it comes to relationships. I can't commit. I think a big part of it is that I don't wanna get hurt. Another part of it is that I really am not ready for a commitment. Of any type. It just sucks when you see people who are so happy together and it's obvious that they belong together. I get so jealous! (Yes, for all those people who said I'd never admit it- I get jealous!) I think right now I'm just gonna have to resign myself to the fact that no matter whether I meet a guy that is perfect and completely available or a guy that is not available but is good for a fling... it's not gonna work. Until I can get my act together nothing's gonna work... Much like my schoolwork this quarter... I've pretty much given up. Damn.
Addendum... I think what I really want is a knight in shining armor. I want some guy to come along and break down all those walls that I've built up over the past eight years... I want someone to fight me for myself. I want something that's not real... that I'm pretty sure will never happen... Damn again.
6.13.00
You know that feeling when you want to be motivated, but you're just not? Yeah, that's me right about now. I have 36 hours till the first of my two finals and have I even opened a book yet? NO! And before I actually walk in the room and sit down and take that test I have to go to work and watch a Laker game. Yes, watch a Laker game. Because we're gonna win damnit. Oh yeah, and then there's all that mundane stuff like eating and sleeping, which would be nice to do before then too... So why is it that I'm completely unmotivated this quarter? As opposed to the last two quarters when I was all gung-ho yay school! I have no clue really... But I can tell you what's different this quarter from the last two...
This quarter I have friends. Hahaha! You think I'm joking, but it's true. Okay, it's not that I didn't have friends last quarter, but last quarter I never saw any of them. Not even on campus because I'd go to class and then go to work... No time there to sit around on Bruin Walk. Okay, so there's friends. Then there was PCN. Of course, this is probably the biggest factor in my unmotivation. All that practice, which lead to socializing time, which led to boys... damn. I think that's where most of my time went. Then there was the post-PCN 'don't wanna do crap' phase during which I didn't go to class, didn't do homework, but did go to every party that I found out about. And then some. I think that's a big factor in my stress level right now. Then there's just all those guys... Didn't I mention the boys? Hahaha... Sometimes I wish there weren't so many nice guys around. It's too bad they're all taken, though... Oh well, I guess that's actually a good thing for me. I'd just screw em over. (See last entry.)
So why exactly did I decide to write any of this? Well, you should know by now... I'm procrastinating damnit! I think I'm gonna have to start a separate page per entry from now on... These are getting way too long. Or else I'm gonna have to start picking up a pen and writing because there's some things you just don't want other people to see. Then again... I can't write that fast. Okay, I'm gonna go chat with other people and, yes, socialize, then I'm gonna either fall asleep or study. Ha! You all know what I'm really gonna do...
7.10.00
You know, there are those times when we look back on where we've been and what we've done and who we've become and we become amazed at what we find. Three years ago, as a UCLA freshman starting my college life, I could never have even imagined the myriad of experiences I've had. And now, as a UCLA senior about to start my fourth year, I can't even imagine the types of things I'll see in the next two years before graduation. But the one thing I'm sure of is this: that I'll feel exactly the same way then as I do now... We can never stop growing or experiencing, because if we do we've stopped living.
On another note- I know the person I'm saying this to is not a regular visitor to this page... Which is okay, but if he does get to read this, then I'll be glad... I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last few weeks and what I've come up with is this: A relationship (whether it be a friendship or more than a friendship) that may not be as steady as one would like is much stronger than one that has not yet begun. In your case- I don't know what your thoughts are about what happened one night during finals week, but my thoughts are that what you already have is the real thing (and I'm pretty sure you know this.) Because of this, and because of the relationship I already have with you and another person, any questions and feelings I have are going to be put aside. Two existing friendships (especially ones that I cherish so much) are more important to me than something that may not even exist. If this makes no sense to you, or if you have something else to say to me, please do. And if I'm completely wrong about everything I've been thinking here then just ignore me. Otherwise, as far as I'm concerned, nothing happened.
And on yet another note- yes, I am in Hawaii right now. I'm beginning my second week as a UH 'Bow. I had way too much fun last week, since Michelle and Tracy were out here, but hopefully I'll be able to get offline soon and start catching up on all that reading... Maybe when I get back I can share some of what I did while I was here. Aloha!
7.11.00
Why am I so sappy? I swear, the littlest thing can set me off... like listening to the Miss Saigon soundtrack and then the Anna and the King soundtrack...
And in case you haven't noticed- I like to talk. Way too much, too often. My problem is that I have no one to tell it to, so I take it out on my poor computer and webpage. Hahaha! But then again, I don't usually tell it to anyone because I know I'd bore them to tears! And then I don't even include it all in here because I can't even remember all of it by the time I start writing. So why am I writing all this right now? Well, it's cause I took a three hour nap today and now it's 1 AM and I have to be up in six hours but I'm not sleepy. And so, I updated this entire thing- once again! And I visited a few other people's pages... and listened to a whole bunch of CD's.
I must say, though, that Hawaii has been good for one thing. Distance, like 3,000 miles, is a great way to be able to gather your thoughts on a particular subject. It gives you a little perspective on a life across the Pacific Ocean. There are many things I unfortunately regret doing, or not doing, as the case may be. My only question now is what I can do to fix those things. I can continue in my present state of mind and leave things as they are, or I can be brave and try to fix them. As much as I like to pretend that I'm brave, it's not really true. I try to do what's right as often as I can, but when it comes to personal consequences I totally chicken out. I think that I have a lot of learning to do before I can seriously consider myself a mature adult.
It's kinda like that whole relationship thing I mentioned before... I always say that I want a relationship that complements me and my significant other, not one that 'fulfills' me. I want to be able to fulfill myself before I add anything else on. I'm a very independent, private person, and before I can share myself with others I have to be able to share myself with myself. Do you get what I'm saying? Good, cause I don't- not really. Yeah, I know it's late and so that's why I'm not making sense and I'm talking like this... I'm just not very good at expressing myself out loud. (But if you've read all the other crap in here you should know that by now.)
Some people may wonder how I can share so much of myself and talk so much about my life in this page. To me, though, the things that are found in here are not the important things. They are the things that contribute to what's important. What's important is not something that can be discussed through words. It has to be experienced and felt. It takes time to understand and it takes effort to learn. Get it? Basically, it's what's inside that counts. It's the feeling you get when you see sacred land turned into golf courses and highways and tourists spots. It's the feeling you get when you see a beautiful sunset or a rainbow. It's the feeling you get when you accomplish an important goal. It's the feeling you have when someone you're close to passes away. It's the feeling you have when you're surrounded by good friends during a night out on the town or even a night in someone's apartment. The only way you can express these things is by sharing the experience with that other person. Till then I think that it's impossible to understand completely that other person. I don't know if I'm making any sense to you, but to me this makes sense. This is how I base my friendships- on the experiences we've shared together. Maybe this is why I have so few good friends, but these friends are ones that know more about me than even my parents do. These friends are the ones I know I can count on for anything. These friends are the ones who make me feel special and for that I'm grateful. Because without these friends I would not be the person I am today.
Okay, talk about sappy. I told you I can get sappy when listening to the Anna and the King soundtrack! Anyway, I'd best try and get some sleep... and stop talking your ear off. That way my poor roommate can get some sleep, too. I think she's pretending to be asleep right now... oops. Well, till next time... Mahalo for listening!
7.12.00
Okay, well, it's actually only twenty minutes till July 13 and in LA it is July 13, but anyway, it's not like July 13 is a particularly important date or anything... So why I am I here again so soon...? Instead of being out clubbing with everyone else...? I dunno. Let's just say that the rising of the moon brings on this sudden urge to impose myself on others. Hahaha! Anyway, yeah... I could be out clubbing right now. But today I spent $35 at K-Mart and another $5 on food at Ala Moana and another $2 in my share for a taxi back to school. I'd say that's enought money for one day. Plus, I'm not really in a clubbing mood right now. Now, if you'd asked me to go clubbing a month ago I'd have gone, "Hells yah!" I think I'm over that phase now, thank God. That was like my journey to the Underworld. I'm just glad I made it back in relatively one piece.
I did manage to buy a $10 clock/radio, though, so I've been enjoying the lovely sounds of Hawaii radio. Who would've thought that they'd have so many radio stations on one tiny island? But that's cool for me cause listening to the radio almost makes me feel normal. I also had a somewhat lengthy talk with my roommie tonight. It was pretty interesting. I love learning about other people. Maybe that's why I like Anthro so much...
Today in class we had a guest speaker that came to speak about the Hawaiian annexation. Only according to him, there was no annexation because there was no overthrow of the Hawaiian Kingdom government. It was pretty interesting. I can see how what he's saying is completely radical. I mean, think about it, if what he's saying is valid (and everything he says is based on actual documents) then EVERYTHING practically in the islands and on the mainland is gonna have to change. It means that those people who were born in Hawaii and thought they were US citizens are no longer citizens. That's a pretty freaky thought. I was trying to think about what it'd be like to find out I'm actually a Filipino citizen. That'd pretty much screw over everything- school, work, etc... Crazy!
Okay, as much as I know I had something to say earlier when I begain writing it seems to have gone away somewhere. Let me just say that life in Hawaii is starting to agree with me. I've been thinking about maybe coming back here for grad school. I'd love the chance to take some Hawaiian language classes and Hawaiian Studies classes... Just one more thing to add to my long 'To Do' list. Okay, before I start falling asleep in my chair once again I'm gonna go crawl over to my bed. Got my hula class tomorrow and I need all the energy I can get before then! Good night!
Oh! But one more thing before I go... if you have time check out thise site: www.unitymusicworks.com. Listen to a few music clips, meet a few of my friends, and leave a note in the guestbook if anything interests you. Pay special attention to the group Inner Voices- their debut album is scheduled to come out on July 22! It's pretty good... I should know since I already to listened to a lot of it. Hehehe!
7.17.00
I think I've gotten to that point where I'm just sick of people again... To all those that have been around me during the past few days- sorry if I haven't been as sociable as I 'normally' am. I should be back to normal in a few days. Just don't bother me if you see me sitting alone in a corner or something... I might bite! :-p I'd forgotten how draining dorm life can be. I think living on my own for the past year has reduced my tolerance level for people in general. Geez... that's kinda scary- I sound like I'm turning into a hermit. Hahaha! Anyway...
Ever since ninth week of spring quarter I've been carrying around this journal that I randomly bought one day in Ackerman. It's still blank. When I bought it I had it in mind to carry it with me wherever I go so that if I just had some random thought, or if I had something I wanted to say but had no one to say it to, I could write it down. It's still blank. Lately, I've taken to leaving it on a shelf by my bed so that it's reachable before bed and any other time I'm sitting at my desk. It's still blank. Why is that??? I know that I always come up with things that I say I should write down, but I never do. Sometimes it's just an inconvenient time or place. Other times I'm afraid that writing it down will turn it into reality. And other times I'm afraid of writing it down because others might accidently see it. But that's all stupid I know... so why is it still blank? Am I just too lazy to actually pick up a pen and start writing? I dunno... I think I'll think about this again some other time... maybe...
Also, I wanted to thank Tam-Tam for her email. I haven't gotten to finish reading it yet, but I think part of the reason I'm sick of people here is that I'm starting to miss people at home. Not all people mind you, just certain people. Hahaha! While I still love being out here, the atmosphere is so different. I think it's because I don't quite know the people out here as well as I do my friends at home, and so I don't feel as comfortable around them yet. Hopefully things will change before I leave...
7.21.00
Ohmygod... I don't think I've had as much fun as I had last night since the PCN afterparty. Salsa dancing has got to be one of God's greatest inventions! Hehehe... I need to thank Tracy for giving me an alter-personality, Tao for inviting me, Reggie for being an awesome teacher and partner, and the bar for giving me the courage to get out there and shake my groove thang. Hahaha! Also thanks to my other partners in crime: Chris, Hernane, Allen, and that random guy who interrupted my conversation but proved to be a pretty good dancer anyway. I'd have to say that my first experience clubbing in Hawai'i and my first experience Salsa dancing was one of the highlights of my time here. Hopefully we'll get to go back next week! Hahaha! Clubbing will never be the same again...
Those close to me know that I have an extremely hard time expressing myself verbally... especially when it comes to using the "L" word. Lately, I've had this urge to post this message to my parents: Mom, Dad- I love you. I don't know why I've felt this way lately... maybe it's the "Aloha spirit" in me or something about the atmosphere here... or maybe it's something else. But I've learned it's always best to follow my instincts and so I will. Hopefully it's not because something terrible is going to happen before I get to see them again... but you never know. So this is just in case... (Yeah, I know- I'm morbid!)
Also, I wanted to tell my parents- I'm so proud of you! I know I never say it, but I know how much you gave up for me and sometimes I feel so bad that you had to do that for me, but other times I'm glad you did. I also know how hard it was/is to raise me and so I just wanted to say thank you for everything!
Okay, that's enough mushy stuff for now. I'm going to find something else to waste my time with... maybe a game of mah jong at da boys' place. Thanks so much Hernane for buying a mah jong set in Chinatown the other day! Or maybe some boba... mmm boba! Hahaha! Life goes on in Hawai'i and work doesn't get done...
7.25.00
...And life continues in Hawai'i. The other day I realized that even though I miss my car and I really really dislike this dorm I don't wanna leave. I really do think I could live here. Forever. Noel mentioned the other day that he feels more comfortable here, perhaps becuase of the large amount of Asians. I feel that way, too, and I think that's a big part of why I don't want to go home. It's nice to finally feel like a majority. Even in the Philippines I didn't have this feeling because over there I'm not Filipino, I'm American. But in the US, I'm not American according to a lot of people, myself included (even though I was born and raised there)- I'm Filipino. That oxymoron means that I don't really belong anywhere. Except, maybe, here. I know I'm not kanaka maoli, and it would take a long time for me to be considered kama'aina, but I wouldn't mind staying long enough for it to happen.
Chris' dad said that many kids these days are moving to the mainland because they want to find a better job and possibly have a better life. But I don't think those kids know how different life is on the mainland. Hawai'i really is a different country. In all the traveling I've done across the US the most similar place I've found is LA, and even there cannot compare to here. I love the history that can be found at almost every corner. I love the beautiful scenery- the ocean and the mountains and the valleys. I love the fact that so many people respect each other (although that can be contested). And I love the fact that people know their history and their culture. I've never been to a place where the local culture is on display everywhere you go. Maybe it's because everywhere I've been tries to be as Westernized as possible or maybe it's because of all the tourism, but it still doesn't change the fact that you can feel the Hawai'ian spirit practically everywhere over here. Even though some people in my class would like to contest it, I do feel that the people here have found a balance between the different cultures. It might be drawn along on a thin line, but it's a balance nonetheless. And I love it.
The other night Noel and Alan and I had a long conversation about relationships (among other things.) Noel mentioned how its easy sometimes to get into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship and then you somehow lose track of time and get stuck for a while. That's something I've been afraid of since going out with a certain someone in high school. My two past official relationships have, I think, been based on just that same fact. I also think this is why I've been kind of shunning the whole relationship thing for the past couple years. I don't want to be in a relationship just because I like the feeling I get from being in one- although I do admit it is a nice feeling! I want to be in one because I love and respect the other person and we get along well together. But lately I've been wondering if maybe I'll get stuck in my present condition. You know when your mom tells you not to make an ugly face because it might get stuck that way? That's how I feel right now. I know there should be no rush, and I'm all for having fun and enjoying my life right now (which I am doing), but I'm afraid that I'll forget HOW to be in a relationship. I mean, what does it mean anyway? To be in a relationship: Does it mean to depend on the other person? To need the other person? To enjoy the other person's compay? All of the above? None of the above? As G-109 would say- "It's pure madness."
Why can't I/we just enjoy things for what they are? Why do I/we always have to analyze and think things through? I think that if people just followed their instincts and trusted themselves they would have a better time of just about everything. Unfortunately, though, I can't do that. I try, but it doesn't work. I always have to think things through first. And this is where I usually get into trouble. Once I start thinking I start doubting. And once I start doubting it's over. It usually takes about five months for this process to happen, but it's happened twice already and I'm almost postive it will happen again. I feel so sorry for the guy because it can be said that I used him. That's my excuse for not going for a relationship. But maybe it's really because I'm too chicken to make a sacrifice, to see if things will work out. I mean, that is one thing you need to do in a relationship, right? Make sacrifices? I find that extremely hard to do. And so where was I going with all this? The point is that I'm afraid I'll find someone I truly love and we'll be going out, or God forbid- married, and one day he'll come up to me and say, "I love you and I know you love me, but you don't need me in your life. And because of that I'm leaving." And I have no clue how to do something about that. And that's what scares me. And that is the reason why I keep myself away from anything that could possibly develop into a relationship today.
7.26.00
Thank God for friends and late night conversations!
7.27.00
For the first time since I got to Hawai'i I spent most of the day by myself. I have to say it was a nice feeling... taking an afternoon nap, reading, surfing the net... I almost felt normal again. I think I must be PMSing or something, though, cause I keep getting that mopey feeling (and I've got the munchies.) Hahaha... or else I could be pregnant. Yah right! As if there's even a chance of that happening while I'm here... anyway.
It's getting to that point in the program where everyone is breaking off into their own groups and starting to 'hook up.' Before I came here Bernie, Saul, Ryan, Jackie, Cherryl and just about everyone else I told that I was coming here told me that I should have a summer fling. Or at least a one-night stand. I think maybe I could have done something like that a year ago, but not right now. Many guys back home have a theory that women in college spend their first two years having fun and their last two years looking for a husband. I'm starting to think that's actually true. As much as I hate to admit it, every guy I meet subconsciously goes through a husband-o-meter. It's not like I sit there with a pencil and paper and check off a list, but the thought does cross my mind about what kind of supporter and family-man he'd be. And every time it does it actually surprises me. It's not like I'm looking to get married anytime soon (like not within the next ten years!) and yet I'm still doing it. Why is that?
Once again I'll leave that question for another time. I must say though that I'm starting to feel at home here. I will miss it when I go back. A week or so ago I mentioned that I wasn't in such a good mood because I missed my friends back home. Well, I've been thinking about my friends back home and I'm starting to wonder why I act differently around them than the friends I've made here. I think I'm actually acting more like me here than I do at home. I don't always feel like I fit in with my friends at home. But then again I do admit that at times I hold back here. But for some reason I'm starting to feel more comfortable being my real self here. Maybe it's because when I go home I don't necessarily have to have any contact with most of the people here. Or maybe it's because I have more in common with my friends here than those at home. Or maybe it's just the nature of the program that people's true selves come out (but I don't think so- look at all the people who've been partying every night since we got here!) But for some reason I'm more comfortable with myself here than I am at home. Maybe it's becuase I know the friends I've made here have accepted me for who I am (or seem to be) rather than as a friend of a friend who knows a lot of people because she's involved.
Before I forget, I have to thank my roommate, Jenny, who is the oldest 17 year old I've ever met. (And I thought I was a pretty old 17 year old back in the day...) If she weren't going to CSUN and still living at home I'd probably ask her to be my roomie back home, too. She's more sure of herself at 17 than I am of myself at almost 21. And I totally respect her for that. Thanks Jenny!
7.28.00
Wow, it seems that while people over here have been having 'hook up' problems, people back home have been having 'break up' problems. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship like my friend was in. Imagine having one person be the reason for your survival for a year and then they suddenly tell you that they only love you as a friend. It's those kinds of things that keep me from getting into a relationship in the first place. I think anyone that can put themselves out there like that and risk that kind of heartache is one courageous person. And watching them climb back from the happy place they lived in for the past year is half as painful to watch as it is to do. I can only hope that they make it back somewhat unscarred...
Today Chris, Noel, Allen and I hiked up to Manoa Falls. I'd have to say that was one of the best hiking experiences of my life. Hiking through rainforest is nothing like hiking back home. There's actually green out there! It was so beautiful! Even listening to the birds and the wind through the trees and the bamboo creaking back and forth was beautiful. Hahaha... even the half hour wait for the bus was beautiful. The view from the neighborhood is spectacular! I would love to wake up to the sounds and smells and view of the rainforest every morning.
The only thing that was sad to see was all the trash left out on the trail. You'd think that people would have more respect for what's around them than that. It's not like there was a whole lot, but I still saw pieces of wrappers and cigarette butts and even broken glass on the way up. In an area where you're surrounded by nature I'd like to think that everyone would feel the awesomeness of it (if that's even a word.) But I guess not. I had a really strong urge to pick it all up on the way back down, and I really should have, but my excuse was that I had nowhere to put it except to carry it all. I know that's not really an excuse but I didn't do it anyway. I think I fell into that 'I'm sure someone else will do it' trap. It's basically another way of being lazy and not taking responsibility for something. I learned from Ryan long ago that that's how many people who need help get hurt. He told me about so many cases where people were crying out for help, but no one came because they all thought someone else would. I thought I'd taught myself to not be like that, but I guess I was wrong. When I think back I regret not doing something. Hopefully I won't have to have this feeling again.
7.29.00
"Desire must go two ways or it is worthless."
--Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley
7.30.00
This morning we went to an ahupua'a to help farm taro. It was not something I was particularly looking forward to for the past few weeks. In fact, I was somewhat dreading it. Fortunately, it turned out to be better than I expected. Even though I wussed out and didn't get down and dirty in the mud I think it was an experience that added somehow to my twisted and dysfunctional life.
A bunch of people were scared off by the woman who came to introduce us to her ahupua'a in class on Friday. Because of this I felt that they were more respectful than they otherwise would have been. It's too bad that it took that kind of warning to have the right effect. The only problem now is that most of those people are holed up in one person's room because they felt they 'broke the rules' and are now going to get 'slammed.' We were told that as long as we had good intentions we had no need to worry. From what I heard, those people had good intentions but made some mistakes. I admit that I made a couple mistakes while there as well, but I apologized for them and now I'm not too worried. I'm more worried about the tropical storm heading this way than I am about the 'aumakua (family spirits) coming to get me.
Why? Well, I admit that I did feel something while we were there. The wind was the eeriest thing about the place. Every time it blew it was as if I could feel something in it. I was told that the name for the winds in that area translated roughly into 'untamed winds.' That's somewhat what it felt like, but it was also like there was something more. While waiting for the bus after hiking on Friday Noel asked me a question about my religious beliefs. I explained that I am more spiritual than religious. He then put something into words that I have been trying to do for the longest time. He said that he is more the same way because religion is a social construct. Religion is a social construct. I've known this for a while now, but the words never struck home till that moment.
My spritual belief is based on a faith that I have developed over the past 20 years. Technically, I am Roman Catholic. But my beliefs cross boundaries into other religions and sometimes into things that are not really considered religious. I believe in God. But I also believe that there are many gods. Growing up in a Catholic school, I was taught that God is a part of every living being. My belief extends that into every thing. Every thing that is in existence, I believe, has some measure of God in it. It's kind of like the belief in the Force in the Star Wars universe. I think this is why I hold so much respect for things in general. I cannot physically abuse anything except myself. When I'm angry I tend to take it out aggresively (ie. physically). But I make sure that no permament damage is done to anyone or anything except maybe myself.
My cousins said it best when they kept yelling, "Can't you feel it's pain?" I know they were joking when they said this, but I believe that statement to be a valid one. This is the reason why I was so affected by the trash I saw on the trail to Manoa Falls. This is the reason why I believe I felt something in the wind today. And this is they reason why I have so much respect, or akahai, for the things that surround me. All it takes is to open oneself up to the world at large and feel it and experience it instead of merely existing in it.
7.31.00
Oh my... you know, one thing I love about this program is the late night conversations I seem to keep getting into. I've lost track of how many times I've seen the sunrise because I was up all night immersed in conversation. This just happened to be one of those nights... and now that it's morning and I'm listening to birds chirping and the running water from the 'river' in my backyard forgive me if I don't make any sense- once again. Attribute it to a lack of sleep and the supposed calm before the storm (this one's called Tropical Storm Daniel and due here in about 6 hours.)
Our conversation tonight ranged to so many different topics that I can't even begin to recount it. So many great things were said and I wish I could remember exactly what they were, but as our host said yesterday at the plantation, if it was meant to be remembered it will be remembered. So hopefully tomorrow I'll have removed this fog from my brain and I'll be able to share the insights of such remarkable people as Tao, Noel, Reggie, Raiza, and Allen.
I don't think I've ever been so awe-inspired by a group of people until I came here. Almost every person has something to contribute and I wish that we had enough time here for me to uncover it. Earlier we were talking about the time we've spent here and whether or not we want to leave. Tao mentioned that her time here is finished and that she's ready to go. I've been saying all along how I could move here permanently. When I think on it, though, is that because of the life I feel I could live here? Or is it because I'm avoiding what's in store for me when I return home? Or is it becuase I'm glamourizing what I believe is in store for me if I stay? I know that even if I do stay, things will be different because so many people will be gone and I'll be here under different circumstances. I think what I will really miss is the epxeriences I've had with my friends in the past four weeks. The most memorable ones, I think, are the ones that often occur on late nights in someone's living room or bedroom. It's these experiences that teach me what I needed to learn from coming here. The book knowledge that I'm supposedly getting is, I think, just the icing on the cake. It's what gives me a background and fills in the foundation for my knowledge, but all practical experience comes from the interaction I've had with the many different people here. You always have to take the good with the bad. That is definitely true in this case. I think I have met some of the most awe-inspiring people ever, but I've also had to learn how to work with people I wouldn't normally choose to be around. These experiences are the ones I'll take home with me and will cherish more than what's stored in my many rolls of film.
And now it's time for me to take a shower and pretend to get some sleep... since class begins in about two and a half hours! Grrr!
8.3.00
Oh, I am so pissed right now you can't even imagine. The one thing I was always worried would happen while working on this page just happened. The fucking window closed after writing for an hour. And I also lost the quote I once had on my main page. If, for some absurd reason, anyone happens to have a copy of it (the one that was between the disclaimer and all my links) please please please send me a copy. I'll buy you boba... jamba juice... shaved ice... peppermint schnapps... mochi... whatever... as long as I can get a copy of it somehow. I hate it when this happens! This is why I wish I could bring a portable punching bag around with me everywhere I go. It would really come in handy because right now other than punching something I feel like going for a nice long run. And I don't think that would be too good of an idea especially since I don't know the area that well and today I saw one of those "Warning" posters on campus about some guy who was sexually assaulting women in the area lately. And if this happens again I'm going to be so pissed that no one would dare come near me for the next week. Which would also suck because I only have about a week left over here.
Well, since I don't have a photographic memory let me just try to recall what I had here after an hour of deep thought... after I save this so I don't get all pissed twice over...
"Forget regret
For life is yours to miss...
No day but today"
--RENT, Jonathan Larson
This just happens to be one of my favorite quotes from the musical RENT, which I saw again last night for the third time. (Just so you know, though, this isn't what I had in my original journal... I just don't feel like going into that again... maybe it just wasn't meant to be made public.) I always say that I want to live a life where I have nothing to regret, but I know that I don't. There are many things in my life that I unfortunately regret. One of them is not talking to my grandpa while he was here this year. I mean, I talked to him, but I didn't really talk to him. You know what I mean? I wanted to ask him all these questions about his past and our family... like what it was like to grow up in the Philippines before WWII and what it was like to fight in the war and about my mom when she was young... But I was too embarassed to say anything, so I didn't. Now I just heard that he's in the hospital in the Philippines. I can only hope and pray (yes, pray) that he's going to be better. He's my only living grandparent left and even though I'm not that close to him I don't want him to die.
I'm afraid that if he does my family will fall apart. I know he and my grandma were a big reason my family stayed as close as it is now. I'm not sure if things will stay that way once he's gone. I know their house isn't getting taken care of as well as it was when my grandma was still alive. And I know that when she died my aunts and uncles were already fighting over what to do about all the land my grandparents owned and that kind of thing. Imagine what would happen if they were both gone. I don't want anything to happen to my family because even though I'm not that close to most of them they're still my family and I love them. (Even though there are a few I sometimes wish were part of another family...)
I hate this feeling of not being able to do anything. That's why I mentioned praying before... because that's the only thing I feel I can do right now. But I also feel bad praying and asking for my grandpa to get better because I don't normally pray (in that way). To me it seems like asking for a favor without any kind of reciprocation. Usually I ask for help to help myself. But what do you do when you want to ask for help for another person? I know this is kind of stupid because it's not like God cares much about these things... but I do and so of course I'm going to question it.
Well, as much as I have a lot more to say it's about four and a half hours till class starts and right now I'm pretty much screwed when it comes to class-work. I know that I do this all the time, but it just seems worse because I'm here in Hawai'i and I'm making all these plans for everything except work. At least at home I make myself stay home and do nothing during this time. *sigh* I guess it's time for bed...
Okay, you know... mmm... argh... According to the Death Clock (which I found by following a link of a link from Noel's page) I'm going to die on Friday, November 15, 2058. Now, if I remember correctly, my wedding date is supposed to be by Saturday, June 7, 2003. That means that IF I stay married for the entire time I'll reach my 53rd anniversary or so... and that I'll be 79 years old when I die. That's not very old... hmmm... grrr!
8.4.00
Wow, an all nighter... again... but this time it really was for academic purposes. Hahaha! At least, it was- after the midnight trip to Jack in the Box, Longs Drugs, and Star Market. But before that... we were waiting at the bus stop (once again) for a bus that never came and we saw something that was pretty disturbing. First all I heard was some guy yelling what I thought was the name "Jerry" but later found out was "Sherry." Then we saw a woman walking really fast down the sidewalk across the street and a guy walking after her. She sat down on the stairs of an apartment building until her boyfriend?/husband?/who knows? caught up to her. He then proceeded to yell and swear at her IN HER FACE! It was at that point that I decided not to leave until we saw everything that happened. It was kind of weird watching these people fight, but it was more like he was yelling and she wasn't doing anything except sitting. Although we were pretty far across the street... Then we saw him pick her up and physically carry her to the car when she wouldn't go. He put her in the passenger seat while she was yelling "No!" I didn't know at that point whether to do something or not. Actually, during the entire thing I didn't really know what to do... He never hit her (that we saw) but I would definitely rank what he was doing high up there in the verbal abuse category.
While the car was waiting at the corner for the stoplight to turn green I walked over to it to see if I could get a license plate number. I'm pretty sure I read it correctly, but I didn't mention anything at the time cause I still wasn't sure what to do. I had a very strong urge to pick up the public phone (which was right next to us) and call the police on them. But what would that really have done? Say the police did catch up to them... would that have made things worse because he'd get more aggravated? They can't really do anything unless they see him physically abusing the woman. And what happened now that I didn't do anything? Does he treat her like this on a regular basis? Or was this just a 'lover's quarrel?' (A really bad one I'd say, though...) I mean, we really didn't know what the context behind the argument was, which made it really hard to decide what to do. If he'd hit her then I'd definitely have stepped in. I wouldn't have physically gone over there unless it was really bad (because technically you're not supposed to and I could have gotten hurt as well) but I would definitely have called the police. Since we didn't see anything as blatant as that, what could we have done?
Then Noel mentioned something I hadn't even thought of... he mentioned the 'moral dilemma' and what our reasons were for our action/non-action. Do I butt in even though it's not my business? Where do you cross the line? Did I not do anything because I didn't want to get involved and further complicate my life or because I felt it wasn't my place? Or was I afraid of getting hurt myself...? Or feeling stupid for being told off by both of them...? In cases like this I usually think 'what would Ryan do?' Because yes, Ryan, you are my model when it comes to these situations... you should know that by now! :-p But I honestly think you'd be almost as confused as I was. Although I do think you would have called anyway just to be on the safe side... (Am I wrong? Let me know, yah? In case you actually read this... Hahaha!)
I think the sad part was that I wasn't really surprised when I saw this whole scene take place. I was somewhat embarrased by the amount of staring I was doing, but I also kind of wanted to let him know that people were paying attention so that he wouldn't do anything even more stupid. It's not like I see scenes like this often at home, but I have seen it before. And no, I didn't do anything then, either. I remember the one that sticks out in my head the most, though, was when I was working at Knott's still and I saw a mom hit her two year old son repeatedly because he wouldn't stop crying. Then when she noticed me glaring at her she asked me if it was any of my business and dragged him outside. I wanted to go up to her and let her know what it felt like to be hit repeatedly, but for the sake of my job I didn't. I still think I should have. The sad part was that she was a regular customer and even though she behaved that way repeatedly while she was in the restaurant nobody did anything about it. Although I admit I wasn't very nice to her... I can honestly say that she was the only person I was outright rude to in the two years I worked there. But people like that are the ones who frustrate me and depress me at the same time. How do they think they can act like that? Especially to someone who can't even defend themselves- and wasn't doing anything really wrong in the first place! And in the case of this man and woman last night- I know it's not her fault, but how can she allow him to treat her like that? I know that there's usually more to it than that, and not everyone's like me (okay, not anyone's like me!) but still... I can't even think of any other way to say it except that it's just plain WRONG!
Okay, sorry if I sound completely out of it because, no, I have not gotten any sleep yet and it is now 1:30 in the afternoon. But the feelings I was expressing just now are exactly what I feel... I just wish there was something I could have done about it that was The Right Thing and not the ambigiously right/wrong? thing to do... It sucks to have so many grey lines in life.
8.7.00
The Sun is in Leo and the Moon is in Pisces going into Aries. Is something about your home baffling you? Things aren't quite the way you want them to be. Your fantasy and reality don't quite match. Well, get back to the drawing board. Study, and you will eventually get it right.
This is my horoscope for today. Pretty scary how accurate it is. I've got five more days on this island and not even near enough time to do everything I want and need to do. And not even near enough money to extend my stay so I can do all those things.
Something about my home baffling me... well, yeah- I don't really know where home is anymore. I haven't felt at home in my parent's house since the summer after my freshman year of college. My roommate back home just took over our apartment while I was gone and so now I don't feel like that's home anymore, either. I'm starting to feel at home here now, but we're leaving in five days. So, where is home? They say home is where the heart is- if that's true then it really is here. But not here in the geographical sense, more like here in the emotional sense- with all my friends. Before I came out here I felt completely at home with all my friends in LA. In fact, I felt so at home that I was seriously considering dropping this program and staying because I didn't want to leave them. Now that I'm here and I'm about to go back I'm seriously considering staying longer because, once again, I don't want to leave my friends. The thing is I know that if I stay things won't be the same here because most people are going home. And I know that when I go back things won't be the same at home because I've changed as well.
I mentioned before how differently I act around my friends at home and my friends here. I really do think now that I'm more myself here than I am at home. Ever since I've started college basically I've tried to make myself into the person I think I should be. Sometimes, though, that meant doing things that I wanted myself to be able to do, not things that I was necessarily comfortable doing. It's this oxymoron that got me into the group of friends I have now. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with them, because there isn't- I love my friends back home (especially choral). But I'm not so sure that the person they know is the real me. A lot of the things I do feel like I'm acting. It's like I'm doing it because I want to be that way. I know I'm going in circles here and that's probably because I'm tired and somewhat nauseated from the alcohol I had tonight but basically back home I try to fit into this mold of my idea of the perfect person. But even I admit that I'm not my idea of the perfect person. Tao once asked me if I would go out with myself if I were a person of the opposite sex. I told her no because of my track record with commitment and the reasons for that track record. But another part of the reason is because I don't feel like I've reached that point where I know myself well enough to share myself with another person. But then again, who does really? Isn't that what life is about- to find ourselves?
Your fantasy and reality don't match... well, duh. My reality is that I'm going home to a life that I suddenly find dissatisfying after spending six weeks here. My fantasy is that I stay here, get a car, find a nice place to live, and keep the social safety net that I feel I have right now. Issa was saying how much close contact we've all had with each other since we got here... I mean, there's forty people in this program and we don't usually hang out in one big group. There's usually about 10 of us who are always together and it's these 10 people that we go to class with, eat lunch with, party with, and stay up all night talking with. Talk about immersion. The thing is, though, that even though there were times I was somewhat sick of people I didn't feel too smothered by them. I enjoy the bond that we've created in the past five weeks. My only real wish right now is that I'm able to keep this bond with these people when I go home. I'm not too sure how feasible this is, though, and I think that's what makes me sad when I think about leaving.
Noel mentioned how close we've become in such a short period of time... and even though these people here don't know much about me I feel closer to them than to most people back home. Maybe that's because I don't hang out with very many people back home and I have very few close friends. (I think I can safely say that I haven't had one very close friend that I spend a lot of time with since freshman year of college.) I find that as I get older I find it harder and harder to find people I trust. I still have that "sixth sense" about people when I first meet them (my first impressions are usually correct) but I'm finding that I meet less and less people that I feel that comfortable around. Maybe that's a part of the 'growing up process' as well... knowing more and more about yourself and who you're really compatible with.
It's weird to think how much class-related work I have to do and how little I'm stressing about it. Maybe some of Noel's non-stress is rubbing off on me... or else Mike's non-stress is rubbing off on me also. I don't consider myself a "worry-wart" :) but I do think that I'm pretty practical about things. I can't just ignore some kind of deadline or whatever that's coming up. I have to be able to do something about it- I can't just let it go. But that's exactly what I do when I get stressed out (for example: PCN). And this just makes me even more stressed out so it becomes a big, long cycle of stress.
Okay, a huge wave of sleepiness just hit me and I think I'm gonna go to sleep soon, but I just have to mention some of the things I've been doing recently... lemme do this fast, though... Went to see Rent, ate at TGI Friday's for Lalita's birthday, went to a gay bar for Lalita's birthday, drove around the island and had a lot of fun with friends, went to Costco and developed lots of pictures, went on a ghost tour with Glen Grant (our teacher and local celebrity), went to the swap-meet two days in a row, went clubbing, drank, and no I didn't go to my first class all last week. Aren't I just the poster-child for success? And now I have a quiz in five hours that I have not read one bit for... geez, I thought I'd come here and make a change from last quarter. Instead I find myself perpetuating in the behavior that depressed me so much at the end of spring quarter (among other things...) I think I'm gonna go sleep now... and if I just don't happen to wake up for my quiz... or if I wake up feeling sick (once again)... oh well...
8.7.00
Okay, so you might have noticed that this is the same date as my last entry... well, that was before I took my three hour nap this morning. This is now after I took my one hour nap this afternoon... Besides, I felt that if I added on to that last mega-entry I'd just give someone a really bad headache.
Wow, for the second time since I got to Hawai'i I actually went to the library! And for the first time since I started college I actually did library research! Hahaha! I just spent five hours in the library, freezing my butt off, and trying to write two papers at the same time. Let me just say that I wouldn't recommend it. :-p It gets kind of confusing... Hehehe...
Tomorrow we're supposed to go to the Polynesian Cultural Center. As my TA said, it's like the tourist mecca of O'ahu. We watched one of those promotional videos today in class and even though I know it's supposed to be one I have to say it- the whole thing is just one big commercial! Tad made a really good point in class how we can't really blame the people who work there because they need to earn money for BYU somehow, but it's just fucked up (his words, not mine) how it's the colonizers that are saying how the "natives" are supposed to be. I was looking forward to going until class this morning... I knew I was going to be dissatisfied with it somehow, but I never thought it would be that bad. I mean, I don't really know for sure yet since I haven't gone, but I have a feeling I'm going to be in a very sarcastic mood tomorrow.
Tad also made a really good point about being hypocritical... A lot of people will say they don't believe in something (like supporting the ancestors of the colonizers) but will do something related to it anyway (like going to PCC.) He said how he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to give them the $60 or however much of our tuition goes to supporting a supposedly non-profit organization. (I have questions about that non-profit part, too... How is it non-profit when this place is like Hawaii's version of Disneyland?) I don't like the idea of supporting a group like this either, but I can see how we need to actually be there if we're to make any educated statements about the place or tourism in general. (Have I mentioned how much I hate tourists? Yup, that would include me... somewhat.)
This afternoon Jenny also mentioned how nothing here is "authentic" anymore... But I guess the question is what is "authentic"? One of the most important tenets of anthropology is that culture is fluid, it's always changing. While it might not always change to your satisfaction, or the satisfaction of anyone, that doesn't change the fact that change happens. (Yeah, yeah... just like shit. Wow, I've got a potty-mouth today.) And who's to say whether something is "authentic" or not? Does one person or a group of people have more say over it than others? I guess you could say the people who's belief it is has more say, but then when there's so many people it's pretty much impossible to come up with a consensus.
Okay I know I'm rambling once again. I should really put this stuff to use and write one of my three papers instead of doing this, but oh well for now... One last thing that was mentioned in class today... (How stimulating class was today! And I think I did okay on my quiz, too! Hahaha!) ...was how few jobs are available in the islands. This is a big reason why so many kids are moving to the mainland before or after college. I was thinking about how much I really want to stay here, or even come back and live here... But would I be willing to settle for any job I can get here, or would I feel the place is worth more than the employment? I don't know, really. I already know that I want a job that challenges and stimulates me... Otherwise I'd get extremely bored really fast. I mean, once you look closer at it, Hawaii's not really that much different in terms of people. It's definitely a lot more Asian as a whole than the mainland is, but in terms of the social interaction there's still the prejudice and segregation. The only difference is that it's covered up more here because of the "Aloha Spirit." (Which I swear was created by the travel companies.)
Geez, I think I am writing my paper right now. I should just cut and paste this crap. Okay, I think I'll stop now. This is what happens when you don't have discussion to vent in for two weeks! I knew there was a purpose for it somewhere...