You know those random thoughts you get when you're just sitting around?� Well, that's what I decided to put on this page.� I always hated it when I had this great thought and then I'd forget it.� So while I'm recording all my great thoughts for posterity (said sarcastically), you can take a peek and see what that gray muddle in my head comes up with. Consider this an online diary.� (Whoopee!� You get to see my private stuff!� As if you haven't found out enough about me yet from this webpage...)
PRIOR ENTRIES
3/30/99 - 8/7/00
8/11/00 - 11/16/00
2.4.01
I've learned new lessons and made some important decisions in the past few months... To all the rocks in my life, my family and friends:
"
LESSON: To all the rocks in your life...
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is like your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take time to get medical checkups. Play with your children. Take care of your significant other. Be happy for them. There will always be time to go to work, and to school, clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
"
12.19.00
After watching last night's episode of Roswell I had this incredible epiphany... Here I am complaining that I can't sleep, that I miss James and all the other choral/Unity people, missing out on family get-togethers, and retreating to my apt so that I won't have to be home with my parents... when there are so many people out there that don't have even half the things that I'm blessed with this holiday. Cheesy, huh? But it's so true!
At least I have a place to sleep... at least I have someone (for the first time! :) that I can kiss at midnight on New Year's... at least I have a great group of friends that I know I can count on for anything... at least I have family that loves me unconditionally... and at least I have a home with parents that I can go to whenever I want. So many people don't have any of these... and most people don't have all of these. So I figure, I'm a lucky person. And now I want to be able to help all those people out there that aren't as lucky as I am... and my only question is: Where do I start???
12.18.00
It's fucking 8:56AM and I CANNOT SLEEP. Can I stress enough the fact that I cannot fucking go to sleep? Yes. Go. To. Sleep. I have yet to go to sleep. What the fuck?
Is it the construction next door? No. Because that started only two hours ago. Is it an upset stomach caused by too much boba and late night Shau Mai food? Possibly. But not a valid answer for not being able to sleep all night. Is it because Cindy's mom called me at 8AM? Somewhat. But not an answer to why I wasn't already asleep in the first place. Is it a preoccupied mind? Possibly. Quite possibly. Is it because I'm scared of nightmares? Possibly. Somewhat possibly. Although, you'd think I'd have succumbed to exhaustion by now. But no.
What the fuck is wrong with me? As I sit here typing my fingers are shaking... either from an extensive amount of caffeinated boba a mere eight hours ago... or from a lack of sleep. You pick. If it weren't for the offensive traffic right outside my front door and a sleep-deprived out-of-shape body I'd go skating. Or snowboarding. Or even, God help me, jogging on the beach! Anything to get me to fall asleep. Shit.
12.17.00
A recent late-night talk has made me realize... I've come a long way. A long way from the shy, quiet, reserved, bookwormish little girl who used to hide in an alcove next to the school library during every recess and lunch period just so she could read in peace. Who used to be afraid to talk to anyone she didn't already know and feel comfortable around. Who used to hide in her bedroom in the dark every day after school and lock herself away from the world.
Yes, people change. But...
How? And... into what, exactly?
It's that last question particularly that kind of scares me. Have I become the person I want to be? It seems I'm now the exact opposite of what I was back in elementary school. I think the change began in high school. I was finally away from the people I'd spent the last eight years with, and able to make a fresh start. Only one person knew me from before and I chose to ignore that contact. But when I think harder... It seems more like I've returned to the person I was when I was born. When I was little I remember being a pesky, uncontrollable nuisance. :-) At least, I'm sure that's how my parents felt. But I was also outgoing and somewhat bratty- which I think just accounts for a certain bit of charm. ;-) And now... It feels as if I'm back on track and growing into the person I was meant to be. At least, I hope so.
So, where did I go wrong? Where was it that I veered off track? The first time I remember withdrawing was when we moved to Buena Park- away from all my friends and the only house I'd ever (to this day) loved. I refused in every way to become a part of the new neighborhood. I refused to make new friends... I refused to become a part of the house... And so, I think I rebelled.
Of course, rebellion was nothing new for me. I'd been doing it since I was extremely little. From doing exactly what I was told not to do, to running away from home out of spite. Instead though, my new form of rebellion manifested itself as withdrawal. I shut myself away from the world. I wouldn't allow anyone in and I sure as hell wouldn't go out.
When high school began, the tables began to turn. I think I was sick of being the person I was. Or else I was afraid that my actions would attract unwanted attention. (Aside: Was it really unwanted, though?) But instead of completely turning things around, I transferred my feelings of withdrawal into relationships... And made others think everything was fine. I tried to live a normal life on the outside... making new friends and hanging out... getting involved in school... improving my grades. But inside I was still the shy little girl.
It's only been in the past few years that I've been trying to come to terms with this... and hopefully do something about it. This past summer I decided it was time to let someone in... and do the thing I'd been afraid to do most of my life: risk myself. At first it seemed that everything was going well. But recently I've noticed that maybe it's not quite fine and dandy, as I'd thought. I still have lots of reservations... and sometimes I want to revert back to the little girl in the corner... but someone has recently started to scratch at the shell I so painstakingly (and somewhat un-aware-ingly) built around myself. For that I'm extremely grateful.
And to him I say: Thank you. I know I'm not always the most attentive or thoughtful person. I also know that I've done some things in the past that you're not quite delighted with. But because of you I've found a new faith in everything... in God... in life... and in you. I already told you that I'm not quite sure how I feel, but I do know what I want and wish for... And what I'm most thankful for. And that's you.
I know all this sounds really cheesy... It's making me sick just thinking of how much exactly... But it is how I feel. And nothing can change that.
12.4.00
Wow, here I go again with my laziness... sorry for the long break. I will fess up, though, that this time it's not FortuneCity's fault, but my own.
On Saturday I bid a sad farewell to the group that has probably had the biggest influence on my college life: JA'A. Most people probably see this group as just another Asian American music group, doing their thing... but to me this group of guys probably dictate most of the things I do now on a daily basis. If it weren't for them... I wouldn't be in choral; I wouldn't be a Unity street-team member; I wouldn't be PCN Orchestra coordinator; and I wouldn't have most of the great friends I know and love today. Their music has inspired me to stay involved in music- and to learn more. Their dedication and hard work has shown me that it can all be accomplished with a bit of fun. And the events they have gone through in the past few years have shown me that no matter what happens, if you have the support of friends and family, you can get through just about anything. I know they probably think I'm crazy for believing all these things... but truthfully, I didn't realize just how much of an influence they had on me till I was forced to sit and think about it for a concert committee meeting. I hope I'm not boring anyone with all this mushy stuff... but I just needed a place to put all these things down before I forget them...
Oh, and one more thing... congrats to Lars and Mikey who have both just become engaged. Like Lars said, the end of JA'A is the beginning and the ascending to something new and possibly better...
Oh! And how could I forget! I just want to thank all the orchestra members that pulled together last minute and did so beautifully onstage! We couldn't have done it without you! THANK YOU!!!
Something that's been on my mind for the past few weeks... L.A. has got to be the most vain city in the U.S. Did you know that we have the most number of personalized license plates than anywhere else? Where else are you going to see so many people putting on makeup and shaving in their car on the way to work in the morning? And what other city would have dentists designed just for kids (complete with Pokemon and video game stations in the office) and have a dentists' office that specializes in massaging your gums for you? What tha?
Yah, so... sorry for the long blank space once again. It's almost Christmas and (wishfully thinking) if I have the time I'd like to do a complete overhaul of this page. Truthfully though... I don't think it's going to happen... :-) Also, I want to say Happy Belated Turkey Day to everyone! And Merry Early Christmas too! As of Friday I will no longer be burdened with this thing called school. Yippee!!!