8.11.00
I can't believe it's over. :( After an uneventful 5 hour flight home (during which I slept and slept and slept) I'm off to San Jose in a couple hours... Even though I know I'll be seeing most of the people (that I really want to see) I spent the last six weeks with again it was still sad letting go of the Hawaiian Experience. I learned so much during this trip that I don't even think I can "synthesize" it like a certain professor wants us to do. Which I have yet to do... among other things... :) I just want to take the time to thank all the people that made this trip the experience it was: Aaron, Chris, Pat, Mr. and Mrs. Chung, Robyn, Tracy, Michelle, the G-109 crew (Christopher, Hernane, Noel, and Allen), Raiza, Issa, my roommies (Jenny, Meesa, and Ruby), Thao, Jen, Kim, Lalita, Reggie, and hopefully I didn't forget anyone but I know I did so you too. And now, I'm off to San Jose... with less than six hours of sleep under my belt in the last three days...
Oh, but just a teaser for the next time... What do you do when you feel you've met "the one" but you don't feel you're ready for it? Will fate take over and eventually lead you two together? Or do you give up in the hopes you'll someday find another? Till next time...
8.13.00
Okay, I've recently realized that going from Hawai'i to San Jose in the space of twenty-four hours has messed with my internal clock. I said I wrote my last entry on August 11, but it was really August 12. And I thought Friday was August 10, but it was really Friday, August 11. Argh! And I thought today was Saturday, but was really Sunday except that now it's already Monday. Hahaha... getting any of this?
Today we went to the best mini-plaza in the world! It's got a Jollibee right next door to a Krispy Kreme right next door to the biggest movie theaters in Northen California! Hahahahaha! Damn I love Union City. I got my peach mango pie and my krispy kreme all in the same day. We also went to Standford and went shopping in the mall they have on campus!!! I knew I picked the wrong school... And for those of you who have or haven't seen "What Lies Beneath" yet the moral of the story is: don't ever cheat on your wife! Hahaha! Tomorrow we're off to San Francisco to buy me a wok in Chinatown and get hot chocolate at Ghiradelli Square and go to FAO Schwartz to buy James his birthday present (which is now a week late.) (As will be my two papers by the time I mail them in...) Then we're going to Monterey/Carmel for dinner... Wow!
Woohoo! Garrett, Genie, and I just won a million dollars! Online! hahahaahahahahaha! Damn Regis... Why does it have to be virtual reality?
Even though I'm having a great time up here I can't wait till we have our little "reunion" this weekend for the birthday people. Like Christopher! :) And me! :) But mine's not till later... I hope Hernane and Noel are having a great time in Hawai'i (without me). ;p What am I saying... I'm sure they are! I miss everyone already. Okay, my thoughts are getting even more random than usual. I finally got to sleep in a bed last night for more than a one hour time span. Even though it wasn't my bed it was still really nice! Tonight I plan on doing it again! Yay! G'nite!
8.16.00
Okay, so that last one was actually written on the 14th... and I think I'm finally back on track with that date thing... It is now 8:40 AM on Wednesday, August 16. 12 hours ago I left Monterey, California heading back to So Cal. My car's been in motion ever since. After taking the longest shortcut ever and making a stopover in Chula Vista (which, for those of you who don't know, is about 20 minutes from the border- yes, the Mexican border!) I am finally back home. No, I have not slept yet and no I have not written my paper(s) yet. According to the gauge in my car I drove almost 800 miles from San Jose to here since yesterday. And on Friday we drove almost 400 miles from here to San Jose. So that means I just put about 1200 miles on my car since Friday. Damn. Guess it'll be time for another oil change soon... and I think my tire's flat but I was too tired to really check when I pulled up so I'll check in that in a few hours after I wake up... (If you're wondering why I mentioned that it's as a reminder to me to check before I decide to do some driving again.)
But first... Thanks to James and his parents for inviting us (Happy Belated Birthday James!) and letting us crash at their place for the entire weekend. And thanks to Genie and Garrett for being such great travel buddies. All I can say is: COWS! WINDMILL! G9! G16- NEVER AGAIN! MMM... GHIRARDELLI! JOLLIBEE AND KRISPY KREME!!! WOW! Hahahaha! James- I miss you already! I better see you at my birthday party. Same goes for Genie! Garrett- I hope you find a balance that makes you happy next year. Thanks for the great conversation! I made it home just fine. :) And now... I'm off to bed. Finally.
Oops. One more thing... It's pretty amazing how we can be completely different people when we're 3,000 miles across the Pacific Ocean. After being back in California for only four days I've realized how different my life is here. On Day 1 I got my cell phone back, my car back, and my pager started working again. By Day 2 I was back shopping at Gap and Banana in Stanford Court Mall (their version of Rodeo Drive). And all weekend I was riding around in James' BMW 325is (which is my dream car, by the way- AND HE'S ONLY 19!) Far cry from walking to bus stops and L&L's every day in Hawai'i. I got to hang out with some really good friends on both occasions and have great conversations, but I guess the question now, though, is: Which person do I want to be? It seems the focus of life changes by geographical location. Is this some kind of local culture thing (like a Hollywood v. Hawai'i thing) or is it a conflicting ideas of who I wanna be kind of thing? I feel like I'm in some kind of material comforts vs. non-material comforts conflict. Hmmm... Hard to tell... I had just about as much fun doing both...
8.17.00
God help me... tomorrow will be one week since the conlcusion of American Studies 418 and 419 (a.k.a. Hawai'i) and I have yet to start a single paper. Damn. Sometimes it still feels like I can walk out the door and down the street to Star Market or hop a bus to Waikiki. I think I'm going through some major withdrawal. Especially now that I'm home home and I have yet to see a single friend aside from James, Garrett, and Genevieve. I think I need to get out.
8.18.00
A certain little Pig has made me realize how much I missed choral... All I can say is, once I write these damn papers (And yes I will write them! Rod's already sent me one email "reminder." He knows I didn't forget...) As I was saying... once I write these damn papers Monterey Park and Chinatown are on! Now... to find a designated dry-bear... Bubbles? :) Yah right!
Oh! And even though I like to pretend that no one reads these things (for my own peace of mind), I'm starting to get curious as to who it is that keeps bumping up my counter... In other words, drop me a line or sign my guestbook please cause I'd like to know who's been peeking into my head. And any comments or constructive criticisms are always welcome. Thanks!
8.19.00
Wow! Reunited once again with choral! Tomorrow (or today, rather) is going to be an eventful day. Chinatown... Mango Pirates... Jackie... Bubbles... BOBA!... dim sum... Happy days are here again! Hehehe!
I can't wait till the last of the Hawai'i people come home, too. Cause we're going to have a little reunion, as well. Wow... all this free time before school and work starts again is getting to my head. Now if only I could sit myself down and finish that last paper! (Yes! I did one of them already! Yay!)
Oh! AND I got parking in Lot 4 next year. So happy! No more walking for me... Oops. That's my laundry... till next time!
8.20.00
There's no place like home! Even though I've been back on the mainland for over a week now, this is the first night I've spent at home since. I've been living out of a suitcase since I got back! Crazy! And what did I do for a majority of my first night at home? I lay on the couch in a benadryl-induced nap. Hehehe! The only thing that sucks is that I came home to a completely redecorated apartment (thanks to my roommate) and I now have what Jackie calls "Chia-pet chairs" in my living room. Kinda interesting... if they were inside Urban Outfitters or something. I don't know bout inside my living room. AND to top it all off... after coming from the land of roaches and geckos I was looking forward to a nice, clean, bug-free place. But no! Someone somehow let in about ten flies that are now loose in the apartment. Among other little tiny flying things that I found. What the hell?! And then... I walk into my room and it smells like cigarette smoke! Really badly! As did my closet. (No, I don't smoke. And I wasn't aware that my roommate did either. But she was the only one here for the past seven weeks...) And so I tried to air it out for the past couple days (while I was at Doug's...) But I came home to find out that the floor of my closet is also wet... Which leads me to wondering whether someone set off the fire alarm in my apartment... Which would also explain why the power went out and all my clocks are off... And I have yet to see my "roommate" (my ONLY roommate) since she hasn't been home since I've been back... Grr! At least the rice cooker was empty and clean... though I can't say much for the rest of the kitchen...
But onto other happier things... Doug's place was just as crazy as I'd thought it would be. Now I KNOW why I've been missing all my choral/Unity friends! Doug and Anton- you are the two craziest people I know. Especially when you're faded! Hahahahahaha! And I have the pictures to prove it! Let me just state that my plan is to jump back on the bandwagon (with a little encouragement from Bubbles) and stay there till my birthday! Damn... I didn't realize it till she said it, but I really did jump off and run away. I didn't just fall off... Oops. And all it took was three days in Hawai'i with Tracy and Michelle... and Tracy's alter personality. Damn.
I also figured out something last night/this morning... Peach schnapps is not good for the stomach. I always wondered why I'd feel sick a lot 'the morning after' in Hawai'i... I thought it was just me. But it's not! Those damn fuzzy navels kill the stomach! No more for me...
Okay, I had this conversation with Noel back in Hawai'i and I had it again today with Bubbles... What do you consider drinking too much? Is it when you go to parties and get so faded that you walk around with a paper bag over your head (Doug)? Or is it going out with your friends and having a few drinks each time, but for more than half the nights in the week? There was a time (about one year and two months ago) that I didn't drink at all. Not even sip. Now look at me... I'm the freakin bartender. What the hell happened? I think there was a point I reached after PCN this year where I was really scared that I was drinking way too much. But in comparison to a lot of my friends, I don't really... Not really... What sucks is that according to my "master plan" (that I had when I started college) this is something I shouldn't even be thinking about right now. At least, not till sometime next year... like, say, after my 21st birthday! Genevieve keeps saying that she doesn't wanna turn into me, and I keep telling her not to turn into me, but what does that mean really? I know it's somewhat "normal"... but every time I drink I say I'm not going to do it again for a while. But that while usually ends up being only a week or two. Is it just cause I'm in college, hanging out with a bunch of people who like to drink also? But that doesn't mean that I have to drink at those parties. Some of which aren't even really parties. I dunno... hopefully I will be able to stay dry till my birthday. Even Pia noticed that my tolerance level went way up. (Thanks to Hawai'i, I'm sure...) It's pretty stupid cause I know I don't need to drink to have fun. I went 19 years without alcohol... so why do I "need" it now? Stupid, yah? Yeah...
Okay, it's getting really late and I have to finish putting my clothes away... then I'll be done unpacking! Yay! Finally!
8.21.00
My first night back at the apartment was pretty uneventful... although I didn't really go to bed till the sun came up- once again. This morning (11 A.M. hahaha!) I was rudely awakened by the phone ringing... Imagine my suprise when I heard who was on the other line- it was Cindy! I guess you never know bout some people... The other day she told her bf of two years she wanted a break. Then she went out and met up with some guy she's been talking to online for the past four and a half years! What tha...??? Anyway, yeah. I guess you could say that she was my best friend during the last couple years of high school. We try to stay in touch (since we go to the same school and all now) but it's hard since we now have different groups of friends. I think if she were Pilipino, or if I weren't, we'd have stayed closer... So hearing some of the crazy stuff she does now actually surprises me. Just when I think she's somewhat normal... but then again, look who's talking. Hahaha!
I think coming from Hawai'i has made my eating habits change a lot. I was reading through Hernane's journal and I realized that I now have very little tolerance for frozen food or fast food. I need my rice dangit. I did a little SPAM experiment the other day and I think I perfected that teri SPAM recipe. Mmmm yummy! Chris was right... it's all just shoyu and sugar! Hehehe... I'm glad everyone at Doug's like it, too. They were my little guinea pigs. Pretty interesting, though, how I just happened to have a random can of SPAM in my car on the morning when we were food deprived...
I feel kinda bad for Cindy cause I know she wanted to go do something but I already have psuedo-plans for the next few days... I guess that shows it's back to life as usual. How is it that even though I "free up" my calender by dropping all these things something always comes up and I'm never home??? I don't get it... I have so much crap to do in my apt right now it sucks. And I'm supposed to go out with Jackie and Mike for lunch... cept that I have no money. Okay I'm rambling... yada yada yada...
Still, I find it weird how I'm always busy even though I feel left out a lot. It's like I exist on the border of reality or something. It's kinda like Garrett says... he doesn't feel he fits in, but everyone else thinks he does. Even though he says he doesn't spend that much time with us (which is somewhat true.) I spend more time with everyone than he does and I still don't always feel like I fit in... Even though I'm part of PBNJ now (Pia, Bubbles, Nikki, and Jackie- you should see our Unity cheerleading pictures. Hahaha!)
I just realized that I've been tying up the phone line for the past two hours. Must be some subconscious rebellion about the phone call I received earlier... The temptation to return to bed and read for a few hours is very strong. So is the temptation to go and make me some brunch. Grr... guess I better figure out what I'm doing for the day... And what happened to Thao??? I'm so excited bout meeting up with all the Hawai'i people and they all seem to have disappeared... :-( I can't wait till we meet up again!
Later... My God the flies... I don't know how many I've killed since this morning! What the hell has my roommate been up to...???
I think I'm getting home sickness (of the opposite kind.) It's now been about 24 hours since I got back to my apt and I need to GET OUT! But a pesky little fire in the Sepulveda Pass has me trapped. Damn.
I miss people. I need to write a paper. I have not put away my clothes. And I think I may need another photo album for all these darn Hawai'i pictures. Hahaha! And those choral pictures! In the words of Bubbles: Wow... choral... wow!!!
Where the hell is Thao??? It's too bad she can't stow away in a Balikbayan Box or anything...
LET ME OUT!!!!
Even Later...A little insect murder always helps reduce stress... Except that now I have all these disgusting little black things on the floor by my sliding glass doors. And they say RAID is only good for roaches and ants. I beg to differ! AND THERE WERE WAY MORE THAN 10 FUCKING FLIES!
8.22.00
Okay, I had my second website scare last night... While trying update this page at my usual time (around 3AM) I found that my files no longer existed on the Fortunecity server. Damn Fortunecity. That is the second time they've done that without any notice...
Okay boys and girls. Tonight's topic is all about risk-taking and courage. All people take risks every day. In fact, every day we risk our lives. We risk our lives by getting on airplanes, riding in cars, even walking down the street. Living in certain areas are also life endangering if you live in the ghetto, or even if you live in the Valley, where we're prone to earthquakes. Basically, everything we do is a risk to our physical selves. Sure, some things are riskier than others, but no matter what we do that risk is always there- to our physical bodies.
Now let's talk about our non-physical selves: our emotions. Why is it that even though we can risk our bodies every minute of the day, we cannot even come close when it comes to risking our emotions. Making friends is a risk, just about the same a risk as walking down the street. But becoming good friends is even more of a risk, like riding in a car. And becoming more than friends is the most risky of all. We put a lot on the line when we make the commitment to commit. Why is it that I'd rather do stupid things that would risk my life (like snowboarding, and skating even!) more than I'd rather do things that would risk my emotions? Do I think my physical self is stronger than my emotional self? Must be if this is how I protect myself...
Last night was a really interesting night online. For some reason everyone and their momma decided to go online. And then they all decided they were in the mood to talk- at the same time. For that reason, at one point, I had as many as eleven conversations going at once. Yes, it was confusing! But a couple of my conversations strayed to that all popular topic: relationships. Now those were interesting... At one point I was asked who I was interested in. I didn't give an outright answer to the person... but that's because there really is no outright answer. The only true answer I can give is I don't know!
There are a few people I'm interested in... One of them is a couple years younger than me (which is a big ???? in my eyes), the other is interested in someone else, and the other I'm kind of ambivalent about. A lot of this has to do with the 'WARNING' sign that I feel belongs tattoed on my forehead when it comes to relationships. Another part of it is that I don't know whether or not I really want anything to happen. Which is why I say I'm ambivalent about one of my interests. Interest, by the way, just means that I'd like to get to know them better in the hopes of something happening. I'm by no means in any rush! But now I'm starting to wonder... am I just copping out? All this self-analyzation just brings me back to question whether I'm just making excuses for myself. Maybe I'm not willing to take the risk... I'd love to get to know these people better anyway, because I think they are great friends as it is. But once it reaches that crossroads of 'Where do I take it?' I can always see myself chickening out. I think I'm afraid that I don't know myself well enough to know what I want. (Although, how do I know what I want till I've experienced it?) Then, if things cross that line and a relationship does develop, what if I lose interest- again?! These people are my friends and I have no desire to hurt them. Which is what I KNOW will happen... I guess I'll leave with this quote I found today in a book:
"Fall down seven times, get back up eight."
Japanese Proverb
8.24.00
The flies have for the most part been eradicated. They met an untimely slipper... then got sucked into the long black tube of death. Good riddance.
Just checked out Noel's latest blog... he's right. Sleep is such a waste of time. That's why I just don't do it! Which would explain why I'm being so random right now- cause it's almost 4AM.
Yay! Jay's back! Now if only I could get hold of him...
Okay, how can you tell if you really like a person? I mean, if you really like that person and not the idea of liking a person. I think I've got problems...
Oh, the snowboarding withdrawal...
Krispy Kreme anyone?
I love this I.V. (Inner Voices) CD... especially the songs Another Day and Destiny.
There are way too many sites I have to check each time I go online now... I can never get offline without spending at least an hour here... Dang.
I'm so sad! I will most likely have to miss the second to last Ja'a concert EVER! It's going to be at Kasiyahan in Oxnard on September 9 and that's the day I'm supposed to leave with my mom for Coronado. Maybe I can convince her to leave on the 10th... PLEASE GOD??? And that weekend is also FPAC at San Pedro. I've been to every one since they started. How sad...
K, it's time to go away now. Bye!
So random...
8.25.00
Wow, today I met up with a friend I haven't seen in over a year. Pretty interesting. It's weird how much people can change in a year. And I'm not just talking about him. In case you read this, Jay, thanks for going to Banana with me. Hehehe! Let's do it again! Actually, next time, let's go eat. :-p
Then I went to a Unity Street Team meeting (my first since before I left for Hawai'i) and I found out I wasn't going to go out after. But for some reason I didn't really feel like it anymore anyway, so that was okay. I actually got home around 10! That was a first... It's weird how I can change moods so quickly. At first I really was looking forward to being out all night again. But then all of a sudden I just wanted to go home and read. Too bad I ended up online and have been here since... Hehehe. Damn Bubbles' survey thing! Those things are way too long!
Okay, people have been asking... and I'm starting to get thinking... so... here goes. About the people I'm INTERESTED in... Yes, there's more than one. And no, I'm not VERY interested in all of them. That would just suck. In all, I guess I'd say there are four...
One of them is someone I was kind of interested in about a year and a half ago. But then he went away and now he's back... so that makes for an interesting situation. So do other circumstances... but, yeah. Anyway. Too much info.
One is extremely musically talented and I wish I were as dedicated as he is. But I'm pretty sure he's not interested... besides... someone else is reserved for him. And I hate getting in between friends, even if there's technically nothing there between them right now.
One just has a whole lot in common with me. Pretty weird. Plus, he's cute. Hehehe. And he's musically talented, too. (Actually, I'd say all of them are... hahaha! Sensing a pattern here...) But he's interested in someone else. Story of my life.
The other... I dunno. Really, I don't know. We get along really well, and we always seem to be able to talk about whatever- which is cool- but I don't know. At first glance, he's not really my type... But then I had this dream, which actually might have started all of this cause it gave me ideas that I was NOT thinking of. He's the one I could actually just let take its course and see what happens... but I'm afraid that I might end up hurting him in the course of things and I don't want to do that because he's a very nice person. And when I say nice I mean nice, not just nice. He's... yeah. Anyway. So I guess I don't know what to do except that I'd like to spend more time with him cause we have fun together. Or, at least, I do...
The thing is, of these four, when I picture the two of us standing side-by-side I can only see the first one and the last one looking right. You know how when people belong together they look good together... well, usually I guess. Anyway, yeah, so that's where I stand at this moment. And damn me for having these thoughts. I made it so far without having any kind of boy drama! (Okay, well, I take that back. There was a slip around finals time. But that was it since last July!!!) I guess I was thinking I could go a little further... but all this free time lets me think. And I'm not sure that's a good thing. Also, when it comes to these people (especially the first one) I can feel myself being really careful around them. When I'm around him, I catch myself shielding myself and taking certain actions so that nothing inadvertent will happen. I am not ready to go through what I went through a year and a half ago again. So, yeah, that's me at this moment in time...
8.26.00
And it's back to San Jose for me once again! Hehehe! Wow... I'm loving my summer. So much traveling! The only problem is finding a one-way plane ticket that's under $95. Don't these people know that's freaking expensive to fly one-way for an hour??? Geez.
Tonight was my post-Hawawi'i debut at Shau May's. Had TWO bobas. Wow, that was fun. And Issa brought her bf along, too. Now that was interesting... hehehe. I think we may have scared him. All us dang boba freaks... 'specially Noel. Hahaha!
You know, I'm starting to wonder whether I should even bother writing that last paper... No I have not done it yet! It's already about 3 weeks late. Think they'll still accept it...? Hahaha! I was looking for my syllabus today to see how much it's worth, but I can't find it. I think someone in G-109 borrowed it and never gave it back... grrr!
Wow, I have exactly eight days still my 21st birthday. I don't remember looking forward to a birthday since I turned 13. And that week's gonna be a crazy one! All these dang September b-day people are having parties... Geez. I think I counted seven parties in a eight day period... Wow! Now if only I could make it to them all... hehehe!
I'm still soooo awake thanks to those two bobas. Wish I could play the piano but I don't think my dad would like that... Guess I'll do some laundry instead. Bye bye bye!!! (Bye bye!) Hahaha!
Later...
Wow, okay, so it's 6:30AM and I'm still awake... Here's something I found in my random wanderings. It's a list of my top twenty-five projected careers... I don't know bout you, but I don't think I like this list... Am I that- uh, I'm not even going to say it!
# 1 Artist
# 2 Park Ranger
# 3 Teacher
# 4 Chef
# 5 Chemist
# 6 Movie Star
# 7 Rock Star
# 8 Salesperson
# 9 Astronaut
# 10 Author
# 11 FBI Agent
# 12 Graphic Designer
# 13 Politician
# 14 Reporter
# 15 Web Designer
# 16 Computer Game Programmer
# 17 Doctor
# 18 Engineer
# 19 Geneticist
# 20 Inventor
# 21 Lawyer
# 22 Mathemetician
# 23 Police Officer
# 24 Professional Sports Player
# 25 Researcher
Damn this list makes me either a stupid or boring person! Okay well, not really... but anyway.
Even Later...
Wow, it's 7AM!!!! GRRRRR!!!!!
8.27.00
Okay, there's a novena going on at my house as I type and I really need to get out of here. Dangit... this is why I wanted to leave by 4. 5 at the latest... now I might have to sneak out after the prayers start. It's not that I don't like the idea of a 'party,' aka novena, at my place... but these people are my dad's side of the family and I don't know them that well. Especially since I haven't really gone to any function for over a year... I feel much more comfortable with my mom's side of the family- since I grew up with them and all. And I don't wanna start mingling cause then people will notice when I just happen to disappear... Grrr! Sucks I know, to be avoiding people who are 'family,' but I guess that's what happens when you're away for too long... I never did feel as comfortable with these people, though. Not from the start... Dangit. Where is everyone? I need to get out of here...
8.28.00
Last night (like at 11PM) I went to play miniature golf with Tam-tam, Tiffany, Saul, Noel, Chris, Hernane, and Allen... but things didn't work out quite as well as I'd hoped. While Tam, Tiff, Saul, and I got to play an interesting game of put-put golf (as Saul likes to call it...) the Hawai'i people were off somewhere... masticating...? Hahaha! Anyway. Since the place closed at midnight we then ended up at a bowling alley that was just down the street. Hernane, being tired, took the boys home and the rest of us golf people bowled till 3AM. Then we ended up at Denny's on the way home. The sad part is that I slept earlier this morning than I did in the last couple of nights... Hahaha! (Just for the record: today I bowled a 109 as my highest score. Doesn't beat the Reno score of 199, but it's pretty good for not going bowling since last year!)
I've come to realize that that thing called the circadian rythm (aka body clock) has been shot to hell in my body. My normal sleeping hours are now between the hours of (on average) 5:30AM to 11:30AM. While that may be fun for now... once school starts I'm gonna have one hell of a problem making it to that 10AM class. Tonight I took a three hour nap from 8PM to 11PM... what tha??? Exactly.
I know I had something the other day that I wanted to mention... oh, yeah. My last entry preceded the prayers I got sucked into doing. Now, it's not that I think prayer is a bad thing... but this kind of prayer is not for me. These novenas are done every week for nine weeks before the fiesta to celebrate the patron saint of each respective town. (This is a Catholic Filipino custom, btw.) So, anyway... During these prayers I look around the room and it looks something like this: a statue of the patron saint around which everyone is congregated in an interesting order- from closest to farthest: old women, not so old women, old men, not so old men, kids. Unless the kids are so young that they just run around everyone the whole time. Then, when you look closer at these people, you notice that a majority of the men have their eyes closed (and they are not moving) and a majority of the kids are messing around either talking or playing. And the women... hahaha... these women that are leading the prayers say them so fast that I wonder if they even know what they're saying. Do these people even understand the meaning of what they're doing or are they just praying because they're "supposed to" before being allowed to eat dinner and play mah jong?
This whole scenario just bugs the crap out of me. It's a lot like the "Aloooooooohaaaa!!!" of Hawai'i. It bothers me because I think these people just do it to do it. Because it's tradition. But the meaning behind it has been lost. It's also a lot like how I feel about going to church. I don't go to church every Sunday becuase I don't feel like going every Sunday. It's not because I'm lazy and I don't want to go, but it's because I feel that when I need to go something inside me will tell me. Then I follow that urge. It's happened before... like when I found Saint Monica's. The people who just routinely go every Sunday make me wonder whether they know the reason why they go every Sunday- besides to keep themselves out of "hell." If they go because they feel they are called to go every week, then fine. But if they go because it's what they've been taught to do since they were young, then I have a problem with that. Every person comes to a point where they need to figure out what's right for them. I know that I haven't figured it all out, but at this stage of my life, I know I'm doing what I feel is right for me. Things may change in the future, and that's fine... but at least I know I've examined my actions to be sure that I'm doing what I know I should and need to be doing...
8.29.00
I don't really have anything that interesting to talk bout tonight... I just felt like talking. Hehehe... but actually, I'm in the mood for a bubble bath right about now. So maybe I'll do that instead, with a little I.V. mood music, some candles, and hopefully I won't fall asleep while I'm there... since it's past 3AM. Dang, my sleeping schedule is so off!
Oh yeah, but I did want to comment on Noel's latest blog... I know exactly what you mean bout not feeling like you gained any real knowledge from your college degree. At least, the academic part of it. Even though I'm a long way from finishing I know that I'm learning a hell of a lot more outside the classroom than I am inside. I just wish the whole grade thing didn't take away from that learning... hehehe! But seriously, so many people I've talked to told me that they haven't used their undergrad degrees for anything. And so, I figure my best bet is to have fun while I can and worry bout all that stuff later. Which is what I'm gonna do. So there!
Happy bath-time!
8.31.00
So tired... In San Jose right now... Saw Ryan today. Went around Union Square. Ate Cheesecake Factory food- rah! Gotta get some sleep...
***I was smart once... then I went to college.***
9.3.00
Happy Birthday to me!!!! I'm 21! And I'm drunk! Hahahahahahaha!
9.10.00
Wow... it's been a while. It's also been an eventful while... Lemme just say that I celebrated my 21st very well, thank you very much. And thanks to all of you that came out to my party! Especially to Jay for that cute Japanese Pooh bear!!! :-) And to James and Mike who are two of the most talented people on the piano that I know! And to all my choral peeps who made the night so much fun! My family loves you guys! And to my cousins in crime- bad bad BAD! is all I can say! Hehehe...
As for the rest of the week...
I exercised my 21 years old buying priveleges (if that's how you spell that...) more than my credit card will ever thank me for. Hahaha! And I have yet to get faded since that special day... Wow for me.
Thanks to James for a great week! I'll never regret flying up there on a whim! Good job! *thumbs up* Hahahahaha!
And in case a certain person is actually reading this- cause I noticed on your browser that you have been here before- I don't know what's in store for the future, but whatever it is, I'm looking forward to it. I'm glad we made the decision we did... and right now my only feelings are to let whatever happens happen, and then to go from there. Sound good to you? :-) I also wish you were here right now...
Oh yah, hehehe, I'm Coronado right now for those of you who don't know. And I'll get everything else up to date AFTER I catch up some long lost sleep...
9.12.00
Wow, I'm happy right now... cause I got an email. And not just any email... a nice email. Hehehe! I'm even happier cause it made me happy when I got it cause I wasn't that happy earlier today. Get it? Oops... hehehe. Oh well, let me just say that I did enough venting, and in a private arena, cause this one's just way too public. Damn. There I go censoring again...
It was an eventful day... and yes, the highlight was that email. And as for other thoughts...
It's been a long time since I opened myself up to anyone in the relationship sense... And recently events have happened that could be the beginning of something nice. I realized, from my experiences and soul-searching in Hawai'i, that I've been really closed off to possibilities. And now that this one has arrived I plan on taking full advantage of it. So, life right now has taken a turn for the better... and I'm just hoping that school and work (which both begin in two weeks) won't get in the way!
9.13.00
Oh Happy Day! Today Genevieve came over and took me out! I have never been so happy to see anyone in my life! Dude... we went shopping... and ate at the Cheescake Factory... I am SOOO happy! Hahaha!
Here're a few quotes I got from a forwarded email... supposedly from the Dalai Lama. I figured they go quite well with my life right now... Hopefully I'll be able to keep them in mind...
--Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
--Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
--Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
9.15.00
Alone... in Coronado... If I were younger, like, if this had happened a few years ago, I'd be going buck wild. (Kinda like some people did in Hawai'i.) But now it's just me... and an emptied 340 minute phonecard... How quickly the time passes... And how slowly the days turn. Till September 23rd...
9.15.00
I have a headache. Ouch. No, I'm not sick! No, I'm not sick. No, I'm not sick... Visualize... I'm not sick! Grrr!
I think I've been to every Gap in the San Diego area in the last three days... Today I hit two of them... Dang, I just went Gap crazy... And I'm not finished yet!
Tomorrow... the zoo...
I realized yesterday that my dad and I have the same sense of humor. It made me kind of happy. I also realized that we both treat my mom the same when she starts to ramble... I feel sorry for her.
I also realized last night that it is possible to finish a 340 minute phonecard in one night... Even though I only finished half of one during my entire six weeks in Hawai'i. Yahoo! I got a new cellphone plan... Call me, everyone!
And then I realized one of my self-defense mechanisms when I feel like I'm getting too close to someone is to get mad at them. I just get really, really rude in the hopes of pushing them away. Hopefully, now that I know this I'll be able to recognize it if it happens... and do something bout it before it's too late.
Live and learn and grow for another day...
9.16.00
Lions and tigers and bears- oh my!!! Hahaha! Today I went to the zoo. It was sooo much fun! But hot. Incredibly hot. But the day started off well cause this cute guy at the ticket booth gave me a 50% off hook-up on a ticket... so instead of paying $18 for a regular ticket I paid $13 for a deluxe ticket. Hehehe! Then I got to see polar bears! I love polar bears... And pandas! I like pandas... And koalas! Koalas were my high school mascot... But they're still cute. Although, I never really did think "Connelly Koalas" struck fear in the hearts of our opponents. But then again, in high school I didn't really care bout that...
At the zoo they had an exhibit called the Ituri Forest. It was a model of a forest in South Africa... which just happened to use the Mbuti tribe as its example of "native" peoples. I just found it really disconcerting how this is the same tribe which I studied in Anthro 9 last year... Also, interesting how they left out all the political problems they're having today with keeping their "native" way of life...
I also left the zoo feeling kind of sad for those animals. A lot of them, like the lions and tigers and bears, are used to being able to roam around freely in huge areas of land... at the zoo they're stuck in this little enclosure about the size of my apt. Dude, I'd hate to never be able to leave my apt! How must they feel?
I was also wondering... Should I be wary of anthropologists and zoologists who describe the animals in the same way I've been learning about human society and culture in my anthropology classes? Or should I be amazed at the fact that these animals have social structures that are very similar to ours? Hmmm... Anyway, my brain can't think hard enough to contemplate that right now. It was hard enough just to remember I was thinking that earlier today...
Okay, that's enough deep thought for tonight. I need to pack cause I'm supposed to check out by 11AM tomorrow... I don't usually wake up before 11AM... Grrr!!!! At least it's back home- finally!- for me tomorrow... Although, that wait till next weekend is gonna be a long one...
9.18.00
Watched Death of A Salesman tonight at the Ahmanson... made me think...
A few weeks ago a bunch of my friends and I took this "personality" test. It came to the conclusion that I am an Artist. Whatever that means... Okay, well, here's exactly what it has to say:
"You are an ARTIST (DIAF)--creative, adventurous, and deep. Although you are an introvert, your dominant ideas lead you to assert yourself often--especially through your work. You actively put your creativity to constructive use, and because you are ruled by your heart you are less likely to be inhibited by logic. You have an intuitive understanding of emotion and know how to evoke it in others, but the real world can be a prison of foolishness and embarrassment if you don't get your head out of the clouds a little more. Also, you are 87% likely to write poetry. Please, for the love of God, stop now."
Although I do think it is somewhat correct, I think the correct title for it is more Dreamer than Artist. Now for those of you who took the test, I know there was one called Dreamer already- cause for some reason that's what all my friends happen to "be"- but I think this description fits that title better. Anyways... not like it matters, so onto my point. My point is that I'm a dreamer. At any time of the day I can sit down and just start daydreaming bout what "could" be. Sometimes, and this is really sad, I forget what was something I dreamed about and what really happened.
When I was younger I felt like I had some special destiny... Like there was some great purpose for me to be here, and I just had to figure it out while growing up and then everything would be great. I also felt like I was a special person... because I was destined to do that special thing. Aren't I just... special? Whatever. Anyway... As I got older, this idea became less and less feasable(?) I guess you could say. Basically, I grew up and realized that I am nothing special. Like they said in the play tonight, I'm "a dime a dozen."
Recently a lot of my friends have been graduating or making plans to go out into the "real world." I think I'm feeling left behind... and somewhat like I'm going nowhere with my life. I've always felt that having too many goals just leads to disappointment. So I've usually just gone wherever the wind blows me... But recently I'm starting to think there's something wrong with that...
And so what does all this mean? Well, basically it means that I'm feeling like a stupid, lost idiot and I need to get my head out of the clouds and start doing something useful with my life. Which is pretty much the moral I got out of seeing Death of A Salesman tonight.
9.19.00
Got this from Noel's page... who got it from someone else. It's cute...
Simple and sweet,
Will sweep me off my feet,
And with eyes so kind,
Combined with a beautiful mind,
With a smile that completes the day,
-This is a girl that will take my breathe away-
--Mark Natividad
Yah, I'm not a guy... but it's still cute nonetheless... And if you change the word "girl" to "guy," then it's perfect! Hehehe!
9.28.00
So I've finally stopped being what other people want me to be... now what do I want to be???
School starts in exactly 12 hours. Yuck! Here's to wishing I was back in Hawai'i again... Or San Jose... Hehe!
So what's been happening in my life in the past week? Well, the 23rd came and went... and I've been having a lot of fun! Doing what exactly? Well, mostly nothing... cept getting to know a very sweet person. :-)
As for the rest of my life- it doesn't exist! Started work today... great. Bought books a week early... I'm a nerd! Bought a new backpack cause I seem to have misplaced my old one from when I got back from Hawai'i... stupid. Realized I don't have nearly enough money to pay all my bills before the 10th... just plain dumb. I think I need to get my life back in order again... Grrr!
So now you know what the one highlight of my life is at the moment... and tomorrow- school. (Go CP!) I'll say it again: YUCK!
9.29.00
Dang... Pia, Bernie, and Gladys (a.k.a. happybutt): you guys are kick-ass performers! Ang galing! And to mah boyz... the Sexy Sextet, the Coconut Planters, Five Twelvths, Half a Dozen, the Everlasting Gobstoppers (a.k.a. James, Jonboy, Jason, Bret, and Glenn)... Nax naman! You guys did great! Now I know we're gonna have an overflow of people trying to get into choral. Hahaha!
As for today... first day of school. Yay. I walked out of Japanese 4, my only class today, wanting to cry. Then I headed straight to SPEAR. Gross. Just like a commercial or something...
10.1.00
Oh yuck. Real school starts tomorrow. Yuck.
Dang dude... Us Unity people are a bunch of dirty-minded freaks. Hehehe! Happy birthday to Doug!
10.10.00
Okay, so you wonder where the hell I went? Well, I didn't go anywhere. But damn fortunecity servers keep going down every time I try to post anything new. So GRRRR!!! to them. There.
Enough of that...
I've recently gotten into this "gotta get life in order" phase. Which means I've hit up every job fair and grad fair and career center workshop available in the last week. Not to mention the three upcoming grad fairs... Dang, I'm a nerd. But dude, the fact that I'm a 4th year senior who has no clue what she wants to do "when she grows up" is starting to turn into a bit of a problem. Don't even try to ask me what I want, cause I have no clue. I don't know what area I want to go into, I can't even pinpoint one career I'm highly interested in. I think I'll just stay a kid forever. Yes. That sounds like a plan...
Oh hell yah! It's snowing! Now I gotta (Oh shit. They're playing that stupid "Who let the dogs out? Woo woo woo woo!" song. Even though that songs brings back great memories of Hawai'i, damn, it sucks!)... Now where was I? Oh yeah. Now I gotta buy me my season pass to Mt. High. So who wants to go snowboarding with me? :) Season starts Nov. 1!
I hate it when I have to censor thoughts in here, cause that's exactly what I said I would not do when I started this page. But a recent addition to my life has made things just a bit more complicated. Which means that I can no longer ponder and rant the way I used to, for fear of the wrong person seeing what's written and taking it the wrong way... Or triggering an event that I'm just not prepared to handle at the moment. So if you really wanna know what's goin on- ask me. Otherwise...
Yes, I'm happy. But I've also got a few questions... and I guess you could say doubts. And I don't know whether to see where time takes me or whether to do something about it now. But as I said I'm not sure I wanna start something I'm not prepared to handle at the moment. There's just way too much going on in my life right now to add to. Speaking of which...
Can someone explain to me why it's only week 2 of school and already I'm in meetings and on campus every day of the week till past 9??? What tha??? I think there's definitely something wrong here. Damn it. Just once I'd like to get home before the sun sets. Just once I'd like a day where I don't have to worry about what to do to prepare for the next day's meeting... and instead worry about oh crap, I need more toilet paper and I need to do laundry and we're out of rice. And school? Fuck. I'm just fucked. I need to do some major heavy duty studying of a certain language from Nihon and unless I stop going to meetings and preparing for meetings upon meetings upon meetings I'm not going to graduate. Fuck.
Yes. That's me. And now we're going to see if fortunecity is going to be nice and let me upload this page...
Goddammit. This fucking stupid-ass fortunecity server sucks. Now I'm seriously considering moving all my files back to geocities... or God forbid, the UCLA server. Till this lil problem is fixed I'm gonna use Word to do my daily updates... and hopefully one day it'll actually get posted onto my site. Since that is what I've been wanting to do for the past, oh, NINE DAYS now! Grrrr!!!!
Oh yah, and at the risk of sounding really gross and cheesy... today it's been exactly one month. Accomplishment number 2. Woohoo!
10.15.00
Today I became a pseudo-volunteer at the LA AIDS Walk, or as the nice lady under the tree called it: a volunteer by association. For the second day in a row I was awake once again at 5AM. Driving James and Ginnie and their friends Pam and Dang turned out to be a lot more interesting of an experience than I expected. It was exhilarating to see so many people (over 30,000) gathered together in support of one cause. I also ran into a lot of people I knew, a few of whom I hadn't seen in quite a while. Anna Banana, Manuel, Rudy and the rest of the PCH crew- you guys deserve much props for doing that walk. And I guess Noel was there, too, with UCI but alas, he was not one of the people I happened to bump into...
Recently I've taken to going to Church every Sunday again. I can't say exactly why this has happened, but if you've read some of my past entries you know that I don't take going to Church lightly. I sincerely believe that you don't need to go every weekend. In fact, I think it's better to go once a year and truly want to be there rather than go every weekend and spend the entire hour wishing you were somewhere else. Anyway, for some reason every week I find myself wanting to go to Church. It helped that I was usually with James for the past few Sundays and he's one of those people that goes every weekend, but that wasn't the only reason. If I really didn't want to go I would've told him. But I think the recent events in my life have given me much to be thankful about and much to pray for help about at the same time. Tonight especially turned out to be one of those epiphineal (if that's even a word) moments in my life...
After coming back from the AIDS Walk around noon I was in somewhat of a tired and cranky mood. I admit I was also sulking a little cause there was something else I wanted to do, but it didn't happen. So instead of doing two week's worth of late homework I vegged out on the couch and watched some TV. Then I ended up taking a nap, which instead of reviving me for a long study session made me even more groggy and delirious. So I ended up watching even more TV. After finishing my three hour recorded marathon of Buffy, Dawson's, and Charmed I started flipping through channels and ran into a showing of Sister Act 2. By this time it was about 7:30 PM and I was thinking I really should get started on my homework, when it dawned on me that I'd missed the 7PM mass down at the UCC. Normally I'd not even pay attention to a thought like that, but tonight I once again felt that strong urge to go to Church. I considered not going and doing some much needed homework instead, but the urge to go to Church was a lot stronger than the urge to do homework. So, wow for me, at 8:35 PM I was out the door and on my way to mass. (Insert footnote: Maybe it's just cause it's that time of the month, but for some reason I've just been in a crying mood lately. Any little thing has been able to set me off for the past week or so... Especially things pertaining to friendships and relationships.)
So here I was at mass and, surprisingly, on time. Then, during the gospel instead of the priest saying the sermon this lady goes up to the mic. She then gave a little speech that had me sniffling and pretending to yawn in my seat so that it wouldn't look too weird that I was wiping tears from my eyes. And no, I don't know why this hit me so hard tonight. Like I said, maybe I'm just hormonal or something right now. But... She was talking about our priorities in life. Her question was whether we set our priorities according to what's best for us, or what's best for our ego. She then mentioned how she had to give up all her material 'wealth' to gain the happy life she lives now. She talked about her struggles and what it was like getting her life back on track. I think her sermon is the reason why I needed to be in Church tonight. I needed to hear what she was saying, cause so much of it applies to my life right now.
Academically, I think I've finally gotten my priorities straight (well, except for along the lines of doing homework.) But socially, I think I've still got a long way to go. There's so much I need to sort through right now and I really do think I need to talk to someone about it, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that just yet. I also can't think of a person that would be good to talk to about this situation. But the biggest part is that at this moment in time I don't think I'm capable of handling the actions that will come as a result of this talk. I think I already know what I need to do, but I don't know if it's the right thing. I keep wondering if maybe it is just my hormones talking, or if I'm scaring myself into the easy way out once again. But I do know that if I don't talk to someone soon sooner rather than later I'm going to explode. I think that's part of the reason why I've been so emotional lately.
It's times like these that I wonder why I opened myself up so much to a relationship. There was a reason why I'd been avoiding them for the past year or so. And now I'm reminded of it once again. Balancing school with work and life in general is hard enough. Throwing a relationship into the equation just throws everything out of whack. I think it's going to take some time for me to adjust to everything. And hopefully everything will work out with a happy ending... but if my past has any bearing on the future that's not something that's likely to happen.
11.3.00
Happy 21st to Cherryl!
Okay, so now I'm testing this one month later to see if it's actually working again... Wish me luck! PLEASE!
Ohmygosh!!!! It worked! My page is now up and working once again! Woohoo! Okay, expect more updates once again... just not now cause I'm not in the mood!
11.6.00
So... the past few weeks? . . .
Showcase is over! Yay! Midterms are over! Yay! Went to Disneyland with Hawai'i peeps! Yay! James is sick! Boo! I've now been exposed to strep throat... or possibly mono... according to the pseudo-doctors at SHC. Yay. So now it's time for choral-quarantine, as Jackie put it. Geez... last year we got written up together... now we get sick together... Gross!
Mt. High is now open! Yay! Yesterday I went to pick up my new season pass... and take my first 2 runs of the season. Boy am I out of shape! But it was still fun... hehehe!
K... my brain is still not quite recovered from the momentous occasions of Showcase and midterms... so I'm off for now. But first- I know ya'll keep hearing me rave bout this awesome a cappella group, JA'A. Well, now's your chance to find out if I'm right or not (but believe me, I am)... Cause on Dec 2 they're having their final, farewell concert. So everyone go! Cause it's the last time they're gonna perform together. *sniff sniff* I'm so sad! So go! Cause you'll make me feel better... well, at least a little. Hehehe! Okay... bye now! ;-)
11.16.00
I apologize for FortuneCity's lack of professionalism. Hopefully when they get their act together I'll be able to update this site more regularly! GRRR!
Pacific Ties: The UCLA Asian Pacific Islander Magazine. Volume 24, Issue 1, page 4. "Police Brutality Hits Home" by Tadashi Nakamura. This article stirred up more anger in me than anything has since my freshman year of college.
"As a mother who lost her 18-year-old son at the hands of the police was testifying her pain and anger over the loudspeaker, a sudden rush of panic swept over the crowd. People were running and screaming. Gunshots and smoke came from their direction... I suddenly saw a friend of mine running while covering her eye... "They shot me! Those mutha-fucking cops shot me in the eye!"
I went with her to find medical attention. On our way to find help, my friend saw one of the cops smirking at her. She then screamed, "Why are you laughing! You are the ones who did this to me! Fuck you, you fucking pig!" The cop then laughed and responded, "Not today baby, maybe later."
Because all the streets were blocked off there was no way an ambulance could reach us. So we decided to go across the street. While trying to walk down the street, the police did not let us cross, even after we told them our situation. They simply said that we could not go past them.
Finally, after about 45 minutes of walking clear across the area we found an ambulance, but once again ran into problems with the police. They would treat her but the rest of us had to stand all the way on the other side of the street. When asked why, the cops immediately started yelling at us and pushed us back. We couldn't leave her with them, so we eventually drove her to a nearby hospital. Later, I found out that the cops were isolating everone who needed medical attention and then arrested them.
As for my friend, she now has permanent eye damage in her right eye... This was my experience at this year's October 22nd march to stop police brutality."
I know this article only represents only one point of view, but how is it that at a rally meant to advocate for peace and equality something like this is allowed to happen? And why is it that I did not hear of these events until one month after the fact? I didn't even know there was such a thing as a national day of protest to stop police brutality. I know it's common to hear my guy friends complaining over how they're always pulled over by cops in Irvine just because of their haircut, or the kind of car they drive, or because they're not white... But when it comes to events such as this, those things are like the icing on the cake.
Reading this article stirs up the passion I once felt for Asian American struggles. It makes me want to do something. Something. But what? I once told my TA that I'm not the activist type person. I'm an educated type person. But there comes a point when education only takes you so far... And when this point is reached it's up to us to take action.
Now, though, I must confront myself with that ever burning question: What am I going to do about it? Because in my heart I know that something must be done. Hopefully that's a spark that I can encourage to grow into a raging fire...