Picture a simple court case. A man is convicted of speeding. But, like so many
people he feels hard done by. A Fifty pound fine ($74 approx.) seems a little
steep for going five miles over the speed limit. After all he has a perfectly
good explanation. And he has also heard that in certain circumstances speeding
can be justified.
The Chief adjudicator on duty at the time was, Judge Walter Ferry, who had
prior to this case served ten years at this post and had never heard a story
like this one. Being a reporter of the laziest variety, I decided to let him
tell the story himself. So this is a first hand account of Michael Martin's
speeding ticket hearing.
On entering the room the first thing I noticed was the way the defendant was
dressed. He had on a light blue track-suit and a bowler hat with a feather in
it. As well as this he was grinning openly at me. This was a little unnerving
as even though this was only a case of a single speeding ticket for which the
defendant had refused to pay, it still wasn't the norm to see the instigator of
such an offence smiling so widely at me as I entered.
After the offence was read out to the court Mr Martin commenced a speech which
will -I have no doubt- stick in my mind, word for word for years to come.
'Yes your honour I do wish to appeal the ticket. I was forced to speed due to
extenuating circumstances. On the night in question I had been sitting in my
living room, minding my own business. At about 10 o'clock (an hour before
ticket was given) I received a phone call from a good friend, Henry Mitchel.
Henry informed me that there was a certain matter I had to attend to
immediately. I met Henry outside the Bank of Ireland in college Green where we
proceeded inside to conduct certain urgent transactions on behalf of a client
of ours. On leaving the scene of these transactions, we were forced to
manoeuvre the car over the island in the middle of the street as the traffic
was at that time, unacceptably slow. '
The defendant went on to relate how he'd dropped his 'good friend' off at a
nearby dart station and had intended on meeting him after disposing of the car
when he had received the speeding ticket. I couldn't beleive my ears! This man
was either stupid or mad, or perhaps both!
After the room settled down, I was able to ask the defendant, why have you told
us all this? How could the obvious implications of this statement be justified,
for a speeding ticket?
The defendant stood proudly in the centre of the room, and said.
'Your honour, I am a petty man in most ways. I wish a certain amount of revenge
upon the man i previously mentioned as my 'good friend'. You see he's run off
with the cash and my wife into the bargain.
I don't give a shit about the bloody speeding ticket I just want someone to put
that bastard in jail, and I'll take over from there.
Thank you, your honour.
After saying this Mr Martin removed his hat and retrieving a mouse from under
it he began kissing it and singing to it. away again, He was a beautiful
singer..
And it was a beautiful song.
'We are the world, We are the children......etc'
Paolo Wanchope
Whoopass weekly
