Arthur C Clarke were well known for sneaking into Morgues in the middle of the
night to disect corpses supposedly to learn the true shape of the human body.
But why really?
This week Whoopass Weekly goes shooting into the Human body, and out the other side.
Our intention - attention.
Our origin - Crumlin morgue.
The method - An Post, swift post and the new Anti-stank formula from Dr Von
Gamblor (oh, he's not a doctor).
Our destination - Ibiza!
Yes thats right this weeks entrants to our beach side beauty contest are none
other than six former men and six former women from the Dublin area brought to
you courtesy of Crumlin hospital (although not on their behalf and completely
against their wishes).
Our original intention was to take photos of our entrants in beautiful seaside
locations after first exchanging a man's head on a woman's body, here. Or a
boys chest on a female body, there.
However after consulting our lawyers, painters and decorators, we were
told that this may lead to some legal difficulties as such experiments are
already readily available at [email protected] and
[email protected] and when we argued that this still left it
unavailable to the general non-internet accesabilising population, we were
informed that public showings of the same experiments could been seen at 'Club
Life' thur-Sun for a nominal service charge and that accesabilising wasn't even
a word. We were also informed that the lounge would be better served with more
of an off-lilac than a dandelion sunburst yellow.
Rats, beaten to it again. Well this just wasn't good enough.
People may call us sick, sick bastards. They may even kidnap me overnight and
stick electrified egg whisks up my rectum but i will never feel shame and i
will do anything for freedom, yes anything, oh yeah, even that. But one thing
we are not, is quitters. These people deserved their chance in the sun, dead or
not. They deserved a swimsuit competition without plastic surgery, a freakshow
without Jim Carey. The stage was set. We had a judge 'Me' , a sexy compere 'Me'
and unfortunately only 12 more litres of Anti-stank. So using the definative
Dr. Von Gamblor (oh he's not a doctor) book on medical and hereditary
mummification, we knew we had little time before we had to return our mortified
models to there final resting places a lot more famous and a little less naive.
Would it be?
Marie and Julie - wearing long flowing garments of sand coloured wallpaper?
The Six men - posing as the 1968 Denver broncos?
The other four females - posing as the the white supremes? or as we like to
call them 'The White supremacists'.
or
Would it be Jo Brand - Posing as puke-a-tron, the evil witch robot from Aruba
with the sunken eyes and the large ears cunningly hidden under a mat of
coloured horse-scrotal hair. And sporting a sly backward glancing handle for
easy pick up.
The vote was cast.
We had a winner.
I could scarcly beleive my ears as I announced that I had voted for Jo Brand of
all people, to be our 'best poolside corpse of the year so far and destined to
be queen of this particular contest for a long long time'. I could almost taste
the angry silence of the other contestants as the stared menacingly at me. In a
fit of pure terror I was forced to sit down and hastily finish my steak and
kidney pie, to regain my composure and to stop Jo getting it.
Meanwhile the leader of the pukebots was on my track and i was forced to return
to Dublin to return our hardy hopefuls to the crumlin morgue. After the arrest
I was duly prosecuted and killed repeatedly, spat at, killed again and shot,
twice, in the head and knee. Thusly i was promptly commited to the luxurious
Rathdrum house for the mentally disadvantaged where I again fell victim to
numberous successful murder attempts.
Until next time
P Wanchope, signing off.
(we would like to inform everyone that Paolo is recovering well from his ordeal
with the pukebots and vows that someday somewhere he'd have another competition
and this time Jo Brand will pay. Him back for this insulting piece of rubbish)
THE AUTHORITIES THINK THIS HIGHLY UNLIKELY AS THEY PLAN TO KEEP AN EYE ON
MATTERS AND MR. WANCHOPE IS AS GOOD AS NON-EXISTANT - however Whoopass weekly
reckon that they have more money than the authorities and Wanchope will be out
by next friday, WILL YOU??)
