jokes

Below are all the great jokes. Some are clean, some are dirty. Most of them are very funny.

If you want Q & A riddles instead, then click here: RIDDLES

If you have any jokes that you would like to donate to the jokes page, please e-mail me with the joke and your name (or nickname). When the joke is posted, your name will be listed under it as the donator. Thankyou for coming by my jokes page.

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A child psychologist was studying the difference between optimism and pessimism. He placed a pessimistic child in a small room filled with wonderful new toys. Observing the child through a one-way mirror, he discovered the child did nothing but sit in the middle of the floor and cry. He asked the pessimistic child, "Why are you crying when you have this whole roomful of toys to play with?"

The hunter aimed and fired his shotgun. A duck fell 200 yards away, inside a farmer's field. The hunter climbed over the fence to retrieve it, but as he approached the duck, the farmer came out, shouting, "Hey, you! Don't you touch that thar duck."

One morning, a rather large woman was lying in bed. She decides to try some calisthenics, slips out of her tight pajamas, and starts to bicycle with her feet high over her head. She gets going so energetically that she gets her feet hopelessly entangled in her wrought-iron headboard. Hearing her cries for help, her husband runs into the room, takes one look at his wife, and exclaims, "For heavens sakes, Gertrude, comb your hair and put in your teeth. You're beginning to look just like your mother!"

A space ship lands one night near a small country town in the middle of nowhere. Two aliens, who happen to look exactly like gasoline pumps, exit the craft hoping to make contact with Earthlings. They explore the small town until they come upon its ancient, one-pump gas station.

Odell answers an ad by a travel agency for a special Hawaiian vacation. He finds the place in a rundown shack in a real sleezy part of town, and just as he walks through the door, someone hits him on the back of the head and mugs him. When he wakes up, he's chained to a big oar on an old-fashioned galley ship. He looks around and sees almost a hundred other guys in the same predicament, along with a big ugly guy with a whip, and a drummer timing the strokes of the oarsmen. Day after day, week after week, the drummer plays cadence while the oarsmen stroke the oars. Finally, out of the small holes on the sides of the ship, Odell spots palm trees and knows that they've reached their destination. Turning to the guy chained next to him, he asks, "You know, I've never been on a cruise before. Waddaya think we oughta tip the drummer?"

Two blonds walked into a bar . . . which wasn't very smart. You'd think the second blond would have learned when the first one hit her head!

A trucker was just served his favorite steak in his favorite truck stop when three mean-looking bikers walked in. The biggest biker grabbed the man's steak right off his plate, and started eating it. The trucker didn't say a word, he just stood up and walked out. "What a wimp!" chomps the big biker. "He didn't say a word!"

Two seventy-year-old virgins get married, and on their wedding night at the hotel, they're not exactly sure what to do. The old man finally suggested that they take off their clothes, and she stand by the window while he stands by the door, and that they run toward each other and meet in the middle. She agrees, and they move into action. The next morning, two of the hotel bellboys are talking.

Two polish guys go into a lumber yard to buy some lumber. "May I help you?" asks the salesman.

Today it was so cold . . . "How cold was it?" . . . it was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES

RE: NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY

1. SICKNESS
No excuse. We no longer accept doctor's statements as proof of illness, as we believe that if you're well enough to get to some doctor's office, you're well enough to get to YOUR office!

2. OPERATIONS
Not allowed. We discourage any thoughts you may have about needing some foolish operation. As long as you are employed here, you need all of everything you've got and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are now. To have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

3. RESTROOM PRIVILEGES
Still okay, but too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Beginning immediately, we will all go to the restroom in alphabetical order. Those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 a.m. to 8:05 a.m., "B" will go from 8:05 to 8:10 a.m., etc. If you miss your assigned time, just wait until tomorrow.

4. DEATH
Acceptable excuse, but please give two weeks notice, so you can train someone to do your job.

While talking to a marriage counselor, a woman disclosed the fact that her husband reacted with an ear-shattering yell when he climaxed. "All things considered," said the counselor, "I would think that might please you."

The first morning after Adam and Eve had sex, Eve went down to the river to wash her privates. God saw her and moaned, "Aw, Eve! Now all my fishes will smell like pussy!"

A son came to his father and asked, "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"

A pretty girl was jaywalking and got hit by a truck with such an impact that it tore all her clothes off. As a crowd started to gather, a passing priest took off his hat and placed it over her crotch so as to preserve a little dignity. A drunk staggered through the crowd, saw her and yelled, "The first thing we gotta do is get the father out of there!"

Even after six months of private lessons with the local country club's golf pro, a woman could barely hit the ball off the tee. Finally the exasperated pro decided to try something new. "Madame," he said, "just do exactly what I say no matter how odd my instructions are." She agreed. "Hold the golf club as though it were your husband's penis and then hit the ball." She thought these instructions strange, but after six months of failure was willing to try anything. So, following the pro's instructions exactly, she took a mighty swing at the ball. 250 yards dead straight down the fairway! The pro exclaimed, "Great shot, ma'am! Now let's try it with the club out of your mouth!"

A really naive girl turned to her husband on their wedding night and said, "You know, I'm sort of scared. I've never done this with a man before."

A guy joins the Foreign Legion, and after about three months on the desert without a woman, he's getting real horny.

Two drunks stood wobbling on the curb, watching a dog lick himself. The first drunk said, "Boy, I wisssh I could do that!"

Little Johnny asks, "Dad, what's a penis?"

A hooker is lying on her bed, being eaten by a koala bear. The bear goes at it for a few minutes, then suddenly stands up and heads for the door. Upset, the hooker says, "Hey, where are you going? You haven't paid me."

A recently recruited lumberjack was bemoaning the lack of female companionship at his new outpost in the North Woods. He asked the foreman what the other men do. The foreman replied, "Up on the hill behind that shed is a barrel with a knothole in its side. Most of the guys use that." The lumberjack said he could never do that and walked away. But, after a few more lonely weeks, he changed his mind, and late one night, headed up the hill. There, behind the shed, he found the barrel and tried the knothole. To his surprise, he found it quite pleasant; in fact, very enjoyable.

At an alligator farm in Louisiana, a group of people are witnessing an unusual site. A large alligator wrestler begins, "I am the biggest and baddest alligator wrestler in the whole world!" Then he promptly grabs the largest alligator at the farm and hits it over the head with a baseball bat. The alligator opens its mouth, and the man places his cock in the alligator's gaping jaws. He hits the beast again and the alligator closes his jaws. As the crowd gasps, the wrestler asks, "Is anyone here man enough to attempt this?"

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