WHAT EVERY YOUNG GIRL SHOULD KNOW

by Jeff Greenfield

A guide to the facts of life and love for high school girls, published as a public service. (Originally published in National Lampoon)

WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER?

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies.

You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)

Introspective, thoughtful men with a sense of humor are especially valuable; men who write humorous magazine material, for example. One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?

Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desireable "sixty second wonders."

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?

Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you, are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax.

Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?

When looking for the ideal man, about thirty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go over to a Ramada Inn or Holiday Inn cocktail lounge about 8:30 at night. Look around the room, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

"What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?" You should always call him "Mr. Smith." You can also call him "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"

"Where should a man take me?" Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to a local Arby's or McDonalds for a sandwich. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.

"What happens if he doesn't call?" He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your local Ramada Inn or Holiday Inn cocktail lounge and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or works for a humor magazine, can try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.

IF YOU STILL NEED HELP, WE'RE HERE...

Call the National Lampoon Hotline; we can answer all your questions. If you send them along with a photo of yourself, we can send an editor to your hometown to provide personal counseling. All you pay for is air fare, hotel bills, cab fares and a small consulting fee.