Arranged marriages have been around in India as long as probably the institution of marriage itself. Aunts, who are called "aunties" in India, have always played an intrinsic and pivotal role in it, from its conception to implementation. As times have progressed, they have proved that they can adapt to the changing times by updating themselves with the latest jargons, terminologies and sometimes even, technologies, necessary to perform this 'task'. The underlying task here is, of course, "arranging" a marriage. Darwin would very keenly have noted that, the species of aunts in India are the very epitome of human adaptation to an ever-changing social environment. Indeed, if nature ever prided itself for its "natural selection", it would definitely be its selection of genes that has helped propagate the aunts' species from stone age into space age and beyond.
Of course, the aunts themselves do not think much of their accomplishment. For them the task of arranging comes as naturally as breathing (does not include cases where one has respiratory problems). Expert socio-psychologists had earlier speculated that may be this task is more of a hobby. How wrong they were! More recent studies have shown that it's not a hobby. A hobby, by definition, is a pastime activity. It ceases to be one, when all they ever think of, and do is search for a suitable partner, follow it by match-making, before arranging the wedding. Having taken care of the victim, they then proceed nonchalantly to the next victim. The task is much akin to a rugged, well-oiled mechanical machine that processes, packages and labels, before dispatching off the final product, while the next one is already ready in line for processing...
Now, if you actually want to know what goes into accomplishing this task, all that can be said is that you must be an aunt yourself. It's impossible for outsiders a.k.a "non aunts" to comprehend, let alone speculate this complex, alchemical process that the aunts concoct to accomplish this task. No outsider has ever been able to penetrate the secret inner walls of their elite community. A few imposters who tried to fake and get into their circle have been dispatched off with severe warnings.
Not everything is lost, however. While the task itself is hard for the outsiders to understand, they can learn certain valuable things. For instance, the aunts do need information to process. Information about "eligible" boys/girls, their qualifications, whether their great grandfather was a lawyer or a school teacher etc...After many cups of coffee, and long nights of research, the author has identified some key events where the aunts are most likely to gather information.
Statistically, the wedding of a victim was found to be the "event" where they were most likely to enquire about more potential prospects. On hindsight, that seems the most natural place where "continuity" of their task can be ensured; the basic idea being, as one victim "falls" at his/her wedding, preliminary arrangements for the next one can be laid at the same wedding. The song "Another One Bites the Dust" has even been rumoured to be their favourite wedding song. At any wedding, when two aunts meet, they first look to see if any outsider is watching them. They then quickly signal and approach each other to go over "details".
To give the reader an idea of the nature of their discussions, the author has secretly recorded a conversation between two arbitrary aunts, at a random wedding. The author is well aware of the risk that he's placing himself in by acknowledging this fact.
Before revealing an excerpt from their conversation, it's good to put things in perspective to the readers. The scene is set somewhere in Tamil Nadu. Not that it could not be anywhere else in India. The aunts here call each other "Mami". "Mami" is a very generic term in Tamil Nadu. It is the super of super sets that includes, but does not limit to, union/intersection/reunion/crosssection of ladies of all sizes/shapes/castes/sub-castes. It is the all encompassing term. No one is spared. It can be your mom's brother's wife, but the the bespectacled lady who lives ten streets down the road can stake equal claim to this title. The fact that you are not even remotely related to her does not matter. Period. Lest the men folk feel left out, a name "Mama" has also been made available to the general public, whose counterpart in the north is "Uncle-ji".
To further educate any unfamiliar reader, the Mamis of this day and age (space-age Mamis) tend to look for alliances in the U.S. or the states as they affectionately call it. They think the world of the US, even though it's just a country. Any US-educated, eligible boy/girl would be completely and thoroughly investigated before he/she passes their micro-screening test. (And if you thought the verbal section in GRE gave you a migraine headache, wait till you get to the aunts' screening test.)
The last thing to familiarize the reader with is that "Mami _Girl" is looking for a "smart" boy, for a girl whom she knows. "Mami _Boy", obviously has information about the boy. Without further ado, here's an excerpt from their talk:
Mami
_Girl: "Where is the boy?"
Mami
_Boy: " In Chicago."
Mami
_Girl: "Oh! that's a very windy city! Ask him to be careful
otherwise the wind will blow him away into Lake Michigan!"
What's he studying there?"
Mami
_Boy: "He's doing M.S"
M
_G: "Thesis or non-thesis?"
M
_B: "Thesis."
M
_G: "That's good. I heard that a lot of the boys nowadays escape
with non-thesis option. Hmm! To think that they dont want
to write a thesis! How very lazy of them, I say! My Suresh did MS
thesis in 4 years. Very bright boy, but advisor held him up or
something. By the way, what is your boy working in M.S?"
M
_B: "He's "doing" computers."
M
_G: "Hardware or software?"
M
_B: "He "does" both."
M
_G: "Does he know Windows '95?"
M
_B: "He must be knowing it. He's very smart. He even has
a world wide web address. I have it somewhere in my purse.
I know it starts with some http://.........
But, listen mami, you are distracting me from the
main topic. As I was saying, he's working on his thesis.
He will finish everything in 6 months.
The last I heard, he was writing up chapter 3. Only two more
chapters and conclusion to go. And he will be finished."
M
_G: "What about job prospects?"
M
_B: "After his thesis he'll get a job in computer company."
M
_G: "Will it be in San Jose or Silicon valley?"
M
_B: "I am surprised you do not know that Silicon valley is in San Jose."
She then pauses, and wonders, for a brief moment...
"Or is it that San Jose is in Silicon valley?"
Suddenly Mami
_Boy is not very sure of herself, but continues
nevertheless,
"Anyway, my point is he will get a good job. The economy is booming. Even though the government has been shutdown or suspended, I can't remember, just because Clinton can't balance his check book. I saw that in CNN the other day. But our boys don't have to worry. Job situation is good for our boys. They are especially needed in programming jobs. "
M
_G: "How is the boy's character?"
M
_B: " Good boy. He's reserved, shy, but very adjusting and homely.
He even knows to cook."
M
_G: "Mami, hold on! Is he a girl, or what?"
M
_B: "Of course not! He's just a modern man. A nineties man! He
is very helpful at the kitchen. I am surprised you have such
stereotypical views that boys can't cook...Hmph!! "
M
_G: "Does he drink or smoke?"
M
_B: "My boy is pure and gentle. He's like a cow."
M
_G: "He eats grass, then?"
M
_B: "Mami, stop kidding! He doesn't smoke or drink.
In fact, my boy cant even tell the difference between wine and vodka."
M
_G: "Yeah! Yeah! That's what they all say.
If he gets that drunk who can tell the difference!"
M
_B: "Cut it out, mami! If you are this sarcastic, I'd rather not continue
this talk at all."
M
_G: "Sorry! How old is he?"
M
_B: "He turned 25."
M
_G: "You mean he is running 26?"
M
_B: "Mami, all this running/walking business is all only in India.
In the states they round it off to the nearest integer less
than the number."
M
_G: "Does that mean a person "abruptly" grows one year older on the day
of his birthday? Doesn't that mean there's a discontinuity in the
birthday "function"? "
M
_B: "I don't know about all this discontinuity business. But that's
the way you tell age in the states. Don't ask me all this funny technical
questions."
M
_G: "O.k. O.k.. Does he have a good sense of humour?"
M
_B: "Well, people laugh when he tells jokes. But they
laugh at him; Not at his jokes. His punch line delivery
is poor. Does that count as having humour?"
M
_G: "Mami, the girls nowadays need their boys to be very funny.
The boys have to make them laugh till the girls split their sides.
Even if he is not very handsome it's ok. But humour is absolutely
essential. Without that boys don't stand a chance in the marriage
market. Zero. Nada. El zippo."
M
_B: "So..so..Please tell me what I should do to help him improve
his sense of humour?"
M
_G: "For starters ask him to watch reruns of Cosby shows. And
also Cheers. These days watching Seinfeld may also help,
but then he'll learn about nothing.
He can also watch some British shows, but that's more stiff upper-lip
type humour. British humour is itself an irony and is hard to
understand unless it runs in your blood.
From what you say, your boy doesn't have that. So it's best
that he stay away from the British comedy."
M
_B: "Should I buy him some funny books like The Witty Birbal or
Tales of Tenali Raman or Champak? Will reading these books help
him develop the needed sense?"
M
_G: "That's not a bad idea. But he has to soon "graduate" into
reading Archie, Asterix, and TinTin ok?"
M
_B: "Ok. Thanks, a lot. I really mean it.
I will invest in his humour before it's too late."
M
_G: "That's ok. Dont waste all your thanks on me. What's his height?"
M
_B: " He's at least "6".. "
M
_G: " But, mami, somebody said he is not even as tall his father.
And his father isn't even 5'7"!!"
M
_B: "Oh! When I said 6, I meant 5'6"....I always say only the inches
part of the height, because all the people in my family are 5 feet and
"some" inches...Silly me! Should have been more specific."
M
_G: "Yeah, 5'6" is more like it. The girl is about 5'7". Even though,
she's taller it's ok. We can tell everyone that she's only 5-5 and a half.
I will cover it all up. I can ask the girl to stand with a slight dip in her
shoulder on the wedding day. That way she'll look a little shorter than
the boy. Worse come worst we can make the boy wear high-heel slippers
or shoes. But let's not make height such a tall issue...Let's get to
more important issues at hand.....What car does he have?"
M
_B: "Right now he has a Huffy, I think!"
M
_G: "But, Mami, that's not a car. It's a bicycle!"
M
_B: "Oh right, I forgot. He doesn't have one. But when he
gets a job he will buy a car."
M
_G: "Which car?"
M
_B: "Honda."
M
_G: "Mami, you have to be specific. In Honda there are many types.
Accord. Civic. Then there's even Acura integra with a 4-cylinder engine
and passenger's side air bag. That is like a sports car. I personally
prefer the integra. It's kind of cool. But for our Indian
boys the best car is Accord. In fact, I heard from someone that
Honda makes Accord suited to Indian 'taste'. Why, I even heard
the Honda makers sprinkle some masala powder and other spices in
the car when Indians come to buy one. That way our Indians will
feel at home with the odor of the car and all that. "
M
_B: "Ok, I will then ask him to buy an Accord."
M
_G: "That's a good choice. And ask him to take the 3-year payment
plan. In 5-year plan he will pay interest through his nose.
M
_B: "Yeah! I heard you have to be careful with some of those car
dealers."
M
_G: By the way mami, I am hungry. It's time for lunch.
I will get in touch with you soon about the alliance for your
cousin's grandson and my sister's husband's niece....
And look who's there....Our Radha! I heard she has a granddaughter who
is about to finish MS. Let me go talk to her to see is I can find a match
for my brother's niece's 3rd son..... "
by Srinath Krishnan ([email protected])