10 Rules of Indian film-making
- Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on
different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly
turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is
the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the
last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a
heroine - see rule 2 below).
- If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the
excess heroes/heroines will (a) die (b) join the Red Cross
and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
- If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other
savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
- Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it
is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Otherwise it
will be sustained.
- The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e.
the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first
twenty minutes, and commit suicide.
- In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a
bullock-cart, or on foot.
- When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never miss or run out
of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless
the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
- Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of (a)
pots (b) barrels (c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
- Any movie involving lost & found brothers will have a song sung by
(a) the brothers (b) their blind mother (she has to be blind in order to
regain her sight in the tearful climax), or (c) the family dog/cat.
- Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two
categories: (a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father -
killed by the villain before the titles. (b) Honest, but always chasing
the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte",
only to pat him on the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's
daughter is in love with the anti-hero. (c) The corrupt inspector,
(usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the
hero(s) in the climax.
I stole this from Dilip's Dimension but he himself stole it from Diganta's World.
This is a good place to append the following extract from John Irving's "A son of the circus", an unlikely detective story set in the Bombay. It's well worth getting.
"As for twins separated at birth, the irony was tht this is an extremely popular theme with Hindi screenwriters, Such a separation frequently happens at the hospital -or during a storm, or in a railway accident. Typically, one twin takes a virtuous path while the other wallows in evil. Usually, there is some key that links them - maybe a torn two-rupee note (each twin keeps a half). And often, at the moment they are about to kill each other, the telltale half of the two-rupee note flutters out from one twin's pocket. This reunited, the two twins vent their anger on a real villain, an inconceivable scoundrel (conveniently introduced to the audience at an earlier stage in the preposterous story)."